Relationship Loopholes

Cheating is Bad.

(But.)

 There comes a time in every man, woman, non-binary monarch, and sexually promiscuous inanimate carbon rod’s life when they find themselves in a kind, loving, fulfilling relationship with somebody special, somebody they worship, and somebody they want to spend the rest of their lives with. There also inevitably comes a time when that very same man, woman, they, or slutty green bar wants to grudge-fuck the tasty treat making eyes at them from across the grocery store deli counter. Whatever shall they do? They love their partner, they really do, and they have what’s best for the relationship at heart, but darn it they also want to get horizontal with many anonymous partners. When someone is in a clearly defined, mutually exclusive relationship CHEATING IS UNACCEPTABLE.

 Luckily, there are the following Loopholes.

1)      It’s not cheating if you never admit to it.

–          Deny Deny Deny! If you never say outright that it happened, it didn’t happen.

2)      It’s not cheating if the lights are off.

–          If the room is dark, who knows who you’re sleeping with!? It could be your partner, or it could be that hot snipe you just met at the Blue Oyster Cult concert, but there’s no way to know for sure. If you can’t even prove you’re cheating, you’re not cheating.

3)      It’s not cheating if it’s a threesome.

–          You might think this is because threesome’s are awesome, which they are, but you’d be wrong. It’s actually because of basic arithmetic. The presence of two partners cancels each other out, so scientifically speaking, not only are you not cheating, you’re not even having a sexual encounter in the first place!

4)      It’s not cheating if it is a birthday.

–          Birthdays are a time of giving. Sometimes those presents may be physical.

5)      It’s not cheating if you get paid for it.

–          It’s just business.

6)      It’s not cheating if you pay for it.

–          See above reasoning.

7)      Las Vegas.

8)      It’s not cheating if you and your partner are in different time zones.

–          The further apart you are the better. Geographic separation nullifies guilt.

9)      It’s not cheating if you’re on a boat.

–          In general, cheating is a land-based avocation. International waters carry their own independent set of rules and regulations.

10)   It’s not cheating if you don’t remember it.

–          Clearly. Only things you remember actually happened.

11)   It’s not cheating if it’s Anal sex.

–        AKA the Poophole Loophole.  If it’s not recognized by God as an act of procreation, how can it be recognized by man as cheating? You’re right, it can’t.

12)   It’s not cheating if you don’t make eye contact.

–          You’re not making love until you look each other in the eye.

13)   It’s not cheating if you pretend it’s your spouse.

–          The love is there.

14)   It’s not cheating if they look like your spouse.

–          See Loophole 13.

15)   It’s not cheating if it’s with your spouse’s relative.

–          It’s only right that families share everything. Even you.

16)   It’s not cheating if it’s bad.

–          If it’s not worth mentioning, it’s not worth getting in trouble over.

17)   It’s not cheating if it’s REALLY good.

–          Would your partner truly want to deprive you of that mind-blowing fuck you just enjoyed? Not if they really loved you.

18)   It’s not cheating if Whiskey or Tequila are involved.

–          Whiskey is God’s drink, Tequila the devil’s. Anything else, and you’re still cheating you drunken scum. Until rule 10 applies.

19)   It’s not cheating if it’s with an ex.

–          You may have cheated ON your ex, but you can never cheat WITH them. You’re in the clear.

20)   It’s not cheating if it’s with anyone you slept with before.

–          AKA the finders, keepers clause.

21)   It’s not cheating if you pull out.

–          Technically you never even had sex.

22)   It’s not cheating if you leave the state.

–          Similar to Loophole number 8. Once you cross that border you’re free.

23)   It’s not cheating if your temporary partner speaks another language.

–          You’re just being an ambassador for our country, communicating without words. You should probably get a medal for that.

24)   It’s not cheating if they are a virgin.

–          The first time doesn’t count!

25)   It’s not cheating if you’re a virgin.

–          See above.

26)   It’s not cheating if it’s the first time you’ve cheated.

–          Everybody makes mistakes. You get one freebie. Per partner. Per day.

27)   It’s not cheating if they are ugly.

–          Even hideous people need some loving once in a while, but their opportunities are few and far between. If you’re willing to suspend your typical standards for one night of drunken fumping, you shouldn’t get in trouble for it. You’re practically a hero.

28)   It’s not cheating if they are REALLY hot.

–          Like SIGNIFICANTLY hotter than your spouse. You can’t be blamed for that. Your spouse should just be happy you came back to their plain ass.

29)   It’s not cheating if it’s a celebrity.

–          Unless the paparazzi film you. I hate those soulless leaches.

30)   It’s not cheating if it’s only one time. No repeat customers allowed.

–          Once it progresses past the first time, you’ve started a relationship, and you’re an adulterous whore who should be punished severely.

31)   It’s not cheating if your BF/GF is there. (but unaware)

–          If they’re in the same building, but don’t notice what’s going on, that’s their fault.

32)   It’s not cheating if it’s with a friend.

–          Friends take care of each other. It’s their job.

33)   It’s not cheating if it’s on a plane.

–          If you’re ballsy enough to join the mile high club in this era of paranoia without getting tazed by an air marshal, you’re good.

NOTE: The plane has to be at cruising altitude.

34)   It’s not cheating if it’s a full moon.

–          Arrrrooooooooo

35)   It’s not cheating if it’s to save a life.

–          Sure, this doesn’t happen often, but if such a situation arises, we can’t have you hesitating because of a misplaced sense of honor.

36)   It’s not cheating if the difference in partners ages is >E[(x/2)+7] where x=the older partner’s age.

–          Science be praised.

37)   It’s not cheating if you don’t know their name.

–          Clearly you don’t give a hoot about this person, you’re just satisfying a physical need. It’s like eating or breathing or pooping. It’s just got to be done.

38)   It’s not cheating if wigs are involved.

–          Or other disguises. If you’re not yourself, you’re someone else, and THAT person is single.

39)   It’s not cheating if Barry White is playing.

–          It’s an irresistible force. Unless you’re deaf. Then you’re just a heart-breaking hell bitch Helen Keller.

40)   It’s not cheating if it’s with a musician, AT THEIR CONCERT.

–          The douche bag playing the acoustic guitar with his shirt off in your college quad does not count, and in fact should be maimed simply for existing.

41)   It’s not cheating if you leave before morning.

–          You’re just like the tooth fairy, imaginary.

42)   It’s not cheating if you hate your spouse.

–          Alright, so you are cheating on your spouse. But damn it, they deserve it, the bastards.

43)   It’s not cheating if she’s on her period.

–          Earn those red wings and fly my pretties.

44)   It’s not cheating if it’s with a trap.

–          If you’re not sure WHAT it is exactly, how can you be sure what you’re doing is wrong?

45)   It’s not cheating if you’re just soaking it.

–          You know that weird thing where Mormons “preserve” their virginity by sticking their boner inside and just leaving it there without pumping? Yeah, I don’t know what the hell that is, but they don’t consider it sex, so we don’t have to either.

46)   It’s not cheating if you’re at a bachelor/bachelorette party.

–          Yours…or someone else’s.

47)   It’s not cheating if it’s a national holiday.

–          Pick any! Like Halloween, or Columbus day, or National Pharmacist day, or the popular Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day! Hooray!

48)   It’s not cheating if you’re in the military.

–          You kill people for your country. Screw who you want.

49)   Prison Rules.

–          And that’s the truth.

50)   It’s not cheating if it’s with Bill Clinton.

–          He’s just so damn persuasive.

51)   It’s not cheating if the sex act has a funny name on urbandictionary.com.

–          Dutch Rudder? Hairy Houdini? Alaskan Pipeline? The Hoover Manouver!? Go for it.

52)   It’s not cheating if it’s for the good of your relationship.

–          If only I could hook up with someone new, to learn some fresh moves to impress my spouse… Plus I’d feel guilty, so I’d treat them better. And I’d be in a better mood overall, since I’m getting some, so I’d be easier to live with…Why haven’t I been doing this already!?

53)   It’s not cheating if you cry during.

–          It is funny though.

54)   It’s not cheating if it is with an albino or midget.

–          Like strippers, they’re not actual people.

55)   It’s not cheating if it’s a ZJ.

–          Let’s face it, you can’t afford it.

56)   It’s not cheating if it’s just an old fashioned.

–          You do it yourself every day without getting in trouble, so what’s the problem with having a stranger do it too?

57)   It’s not cheating if it’s not human.

–          Disgusting? Yes. Illegal? Yes. Cheating? No.

58)   It’s not cheating if they’re already dead.

–          See above reasoning.

59)   It’s not cheating if you kill them afterwards.

–          See above reasoning.

60)   It’s not cheating if you videotape it.

–          When you do it, you’re an artist. When a private investigator does it, you’re fucked.

61)   It’s not cheating if it’s less than once a week.

–          I forget why this is a rule, but I’m sure there is a reason.

62)   It’s not cheating if it’s in the shower.

–          Pert Plus washes all sins away.

63)   It’s not cheating if it’s at camp.

–          It’s camp.

64)   Band camp.

65)   It’s not cheating if it’s gay.

–          As in homosexual. Unless you’re actually homosexual. Then it’s not cheating if it’s straight.

66)   It’s not cheating if it’s in/on/or near water.

–          Cheating is land-based…remember?

67)   It’s not cheating if you’re in mortal danger.

–          “Look shorty, a spider. It might be poisonous or something. Let’s bone.” “Okay!”

68)   It’s not cheating if the zombies come.

–          With brain eating corpse-beasts on the prowl, you’ve got bigger things to worry about than wedding vows.

69)   Heh.

70)   It’s not cheating if you use a condom.

–          Because you’re not actually having sex.

71)   It’s not cheating if you reuse a condom.

–          Because you’re still not actually having sex.

72)   It’s not cheating if you use sex toys.

–          So stop feeling bad about using that double-sided diesel powered monster vibrating peggerator 3000 on your male secretary.

73)   It’s not cheating if it’s violent.

–          You’re not having sex; you’re just fighting for your life. With an erection.

74)   It’s not cheating if you use mind-altering substances.

–          These snozberries taste like snozberries…

75)   It’s not cheating if you David Carradine yourself.

–          “Oh man this is hot, this feels so good…hmm…I’m getting kind of dizzy…this cord is really tight…man I can’t feel my toes…I can’t….fe….”

76)   It’s not cheating if you’re celebrating.

–          Hooray!

77)   It’s not cheating if you’re in mourning.

–          Boo!

78)   It’s not cheating if you’re at an event.

–          NOTE: Any event will do.

79)   It’s not cheating if it’s with a teacher or coach.

–          Do you know how little those people are paid? They deserve a little something something.

80)   It’s not cheating if it’s with your friend’s BF or GF.

–          Surprisingly it is however if it’s with your BF or GF’s friend

81)   It’s not cheating if it’s in a bar bathroom.

–          Good luck explaining the Crabs however.

82)   It’s not cheating if there are buckles on your shoe.

–          All good bodies of law have some obscure and obsolete regulations like this; it’s useful to know them all. Plenty of hideously guilty people go free because of inane technicalities.

83)   It’s not cheating if it’s part of a religious ritual.

–          Sign me up for that religion.

84)   It’s not cheating if you’re in college.

–          Check your schools bylaws. You’ll find that experimentation is not only admissible, it’s actually required.

85)   It’s not cheating if it feels right.

–          Who are you to fight these feelings? Feelings are what separate us from the animals.

86)   It’s not cheating if a gypsy curse prevents you from being faithful.

–          Duh.

87)   It’s not cheating if your spouse don’t take care of business.

–          You gotta get yours yo.

88)   It’s not cheating if you or a loved one have been exposed to asbestos during the act.

– Although you may be entitled to financial compensation.

89)   It’s not cheating if it’s a state of emergency.

–          You were just so scared, and Phyllis from accounting was there, and it was so very soothing to have someone to hold on to. And jam.

90)   It’s not cheating if the persons involved are of different races.

–  During these trying times, we can use all the help with racial relations that we can get.

91)   It’s not cheating if the guy/girl only has 1 leg.

–          Helping the differently abled can’t be wrong.

92)   It’s not cheating if you take off your wedding ring.

–          Little known fact: All your vows are bound to your ring, not to you.

93)   It’s not cheating if the planets align in the cosmos and the dread god Cthulhu awakens.

–          Hedonism soothes the Interdimensional Death God.

94)   It’s not cheating if you see a double rainbow.

–          Double rainbow, oh my God!

95)   It’s not cheating if it’s with a MILF/DILF

–          Score!

96)   It’s not cheating if you and your partner are on a break (from each other).

–          You would think this is a no brainer, but silly people still whine about it. You’re on a break! Get over it! Why the hell else would you be spending time apart if not to notch a few bedposts? Sheesh.

97)   It’s not cheating if you think your spouse is dead.

–          You can even get away with some action before they sign the death certificate too. See Loophole number 77.

98)   It’s not cheating if it’s a BJ.

–          Oral is moral.

99)   The loophole that cannot be written.

–          Many braver than you have tried. All have failed.

100) It’s not cheating BECAUSE THERE IS ALWAYS A LOOPHOLE!

Relationship Loopholes 2011 Max T Kramer