Max’s Unpopular Opinions

The entirety of this blog site consists of my dumb opinions on various random topics, and since I am admittedly a fairly stupid guy, most of those opinions are unpopular with at least a small portion of my readership. Sure, some opinions, like my belief that almost all politicians are greedy and corrupt assholes, are fairly uncontroversial and universally held, while others (like my opinion that our current president is every bit as much of a greedy and corrupt asshole as all of those career politicians, with the only difference being that he doesn’t even pretend to the thin veneer of diplomacy most of them adhere to and also he is much, much, MUCH stupider than your average bullying high school dropout) might really only be shared by slightly more than half of my audience. That is the great thing about opinions. Everybody has them, and they can all be different. I like to think that my opinions are based on an above average amount of information gathering, critical thinking, and reflection, but even my most logical and well-supported opinions will still have at least some naysayers and detractors. That is fair. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion on a subject. Please don’t confuse opinions with facts however. If you refuse to acknowledge a proven fact, you’re simply an idiot and an asshole, and your point of view is irrelevant.

For example, I do not like chocolate. I dislike the taste. That is my opinion, and it is an unpopular opinion, but I am entitled to it, and you are entitled to disagree with it if you so choose. If I said that chocolate does not exist however, that is not an opinion. That is just wrong. Chocolate, by every conceivable metric of measurement, does indeed exist. So while I cannot validly argue that chocolate does not exist, I can validly argue about my opinion regarding the disgusting taste of chocolate for forever and a day, even if almost 90% of the population disagrees with me.

So that is what I am going to do. I am going to argue my case for some of my most unpopular opinions, because why not? Sometimes it is refreshing to alienate and alarm as many people as humanly possible, and I am in a contentious mood today. I am confident that I have some opinions that even my staunchest supporters and closest friends will find distasteful, rude, and downright ignorant. I can’t wait to share them with you.

Unpopular Opinion 1: Sports fans are creepy weirdos.

I love playing sports, both competitively, and just for funsies with friends. I don’t really enjoy watching other people play sports though. What is the point of watching other people have fun? There is no real draw for me. Be that as it may, I have nothing against people who do enjoy watching sporting events. Those who can’t do, teach, right, so I guess those who can’t play, watch.

Enthusiastic Sports Fans on the other hand, are super creepy. You know the type. They wear all of the overpriced branded merchandise, they obsess over team rosters and statistics, they watch every game, and they are more passionate about watching overpaid strangers play games than they are about their own jobs or families. Far be it for me to gate keep what is acceptable fun and where people can derive pleasure, but come on. If someone asks how the team you root for played last night, and you say “We” did really well, you’re an idiot. You are not on the team. You are in no way essential to their success. They don’t even know you exist. Additionally, if you have a rabid fanaticism for a sports team that you probably only like due to completely arbitrary criteria like the geographic location where you were born, or the pleasing colors on their jerseys, and you’re willing to get in actual literal physical fights about them…you might be mentally handicapped. If you spiral into a depressive episode because “your” team lost the big game of shooty hoops or slappy sticks, maybe you should take a step back and remember that YOU are not on the team, and you’re upset because strangers you don’t actually know lost at a game that they were playing.

Obviously, sports are wildly popular, if they weren’t, professional male athletes wouldn’t earn hundreds of thousands or even millions of dollars, and professional female athletes wouldn’t earn hundreds or even thousands of dollars to play them. There is still a difference between enjoying witnessing peak athletes at the top of their game exhibit world class athleticism in a competitive endeavor, and being a rabid fan of one particular team or franchise.

Unpopular Opinion 1.5: I think professional male athletes SHOULD get paid more than professional female athletes, in sports where males perform better than females.

Sure, pay should be comparable in sports like auto racing, or shooting, or bowling, or billiards, or golf, or basically any sport where men and women can and do compete equally against each other, but in sports where men and women NEED to compete in separate leagues due to wildly different physical abilities, the better, more exciting league should obviously get paid more money, because that league is more entertaining to watch. Due to the fact that men are generally much faster and stronger than women…those better leagues are pretty much always the men’s league. So no, I’m not offended that male soccer teams make much more money than female soccer teams, because male soccer teams are much better at soccer than female soccer teams. In fact, a world class professional female soccer team would probably be beaten by any old average high school boys soccer team. I would actually be offended if the female teams were making the same amount as their male counterparts, because the product they provide – entertaining athletic competition – is an inferior product, so female soccer leagues have less fans and sell less tickets, and less merchandise, and consequently make less money, so obviously the athletes should be paid less money. The same goes for male vs. female basketball, or hockey, or baseball/softball, or boxing, or rugby or American football, or really anything that women athletes simply can’t do, or can’t do as well as male athletes. Which brings me to:

Unpopular Opinion 2: Transgender people are deserving of respect, love, and equal rights just like everybody else BUT they shouldn’t be allowed to compete in athletics as the gender they are transitioning to.

There have been a few recent examples of Male to Female transgender athletes, athletes that biologically were born male, but are transitioning or have transitioned to female, competing in female sports, and absolutely crushing the competition. Well yeah…of course they are. Even though they are women, and may have even undergone gender reconstruction surgery and are taking a cocktail of hormone replacement drugs to help their bodies better reflect who they are on the inside, their bodies are still male bodies. It is telling that, even though there are obviously Female to Male transgender athletes too, none of them are getting attention for dominating in male sports, because even with male hormones making their bodies stronger, hairier and more durable, they are still at a natural disadvantage because the bodies they were born with are female bodies, and female bodies are for the most part smaller and weaker than male bodies. So when a person who has a biologically male body competes in a female league, they are at an unfair advantage. If a female athlete took a bunch of performance enhancing drugs like steroids and HGH and doped their blood and did whatever else they could do to obtain an unfair advantage over their competition, they would be barred from competing in that sport. MTF transgender athletes have just as much, if not more of an unfair advantage encoded directly into their DNA. Therefore, I am of the opinion that although transgender people should be able to present how they choose, and live their lives with their outside reflecting who they are on the inside, and enjoy love and work and existence free from stigma or persecution, they should not be allowed to compete in any cisgendered sports leagues where biological sex creates an unfair advantage.

Unpopular Opinion 2.5: Transgender people do not necessarily have a right to be part of the armed forces.

Me, I think if any able bodied, physically healthy and emotionally stable person wants to serve in the armed forces, good for them, they should be allowed to. As soon as somebody’s physical or mental irregularities cost more money or make them less fit for duty however, to me they are no longer a desirable option. I mean, our current president was excused from military service because of alleged bone spurs. That simple little detail (and massive amounts of money, I’m sure) was all it took to make the Commander in Chief of our armed forces (go figure) unfit for military service.

Ultimately, the purpose of our armed forces is to deter or win wars, by efficiently delivering death to our enemies as inexpensively as possible to the American taxpayer. The purpose of the military is not to be a fair, non-discriminatory, equal opportunity employer, and not to be a safe space. So yes, while transgender people are deserving of as much respect and civil protections as anybody else, the military’s hiring policies should be exclusively focused on allowing us to win wars inexpensively, efficiently, and expeditiously. If the military came out with some sort of fusion powered power armor that made our soldiers nearly impervious in battle, but could only be worn by people above 6’7” tall, I would have no problem with them only accepting 6’7”+ soldiers into their ranks. Alternatively, if they mass produced highly effective tiny battle tanks and fighter jets that could only fit pygmy dwarf operators, I would not cry foul that my 6’2” ass would not be accepted to use one. By the same token, if allowing only cisgendered, physically healthy, mentally stable individuals to serve in the military creates the least expensive, most effective fighting force possible, in my opinion, that is fine. While we’re on the topic of the military:

Unpopular Opinion 3: Military service members are not heroes.

We’re not supposed to criticize the military. Well to that I say Phooey. The minute you can’t criticize something is the minute it most needs criticism. This idea that our military servicemen and women are all heroes is completely preposterous. Don’t get me wrong, there can be heroes in the military. There might even be a higher percentage of heroes in the military than in civilian roles, not because military members are inherently more heroic, but because dangerous situations where heroics are required occur at a greater frequency in war than in peacetime. That does NOT mean that “the military” as a whole is heroic, or even that the majority of military service members are heroes simply for wearing the uniform.

Is the local gangbanger who enlists for four years to obtain training and knowledge that will help his gang expand and control their turf upon his return a hero? Probably not.

Is the 18 year old kid whose first girlfriend just dumped him so he walked into the army recruiters office at the local strip mall all angsty and brokenhearted a hero? Doubtful.

Is the clever sociopath who simply likes killing and figures it’s easier and more convenient to do so overseas with explicit governmental permission a hero? Nope.

Granted, the hypothetical service members described above are hopefully few and far between, but that doesn’t change the fact that what our military servicemen and women most often are, are young and impressionable. Young men and women are not known for their maturity or critical thinking skills. These are boys who buy a V6 Camaro from a Chevy dealership at the edge of base with their sign on bonus and financed at 29% interest, and get married after dating a girl for 2 months to get better housing. Then after enough slimy back room deals happen in congress, they’re shipped off to some shithole oil producing country to follow orders to kill or be killed in an illegal, irrational war – not to protect the citizens  and soil of their own country, but instead just so some corporate conglomerate can make more money, and meanwhile their new wife is starring in casting couch videos on pornhub within a week of deployment.

Some people enlist to get vocational job training. Some enlist to pay for college. Some go to the academy or through OCS to become officers, and make a career out of it. To many it’s just a job, and not even an especially exciting or dangerous one, depending on their posting and MOS. Lots of people have jobs. They aren’t automatically heroes. So, it is my opinion that while members of the military certainly can and do act heroically when the situation calls for it, simply putting on the uniform does not a hero make.

Unpopular Opinion 4: Experiencing emotions is healthy, but being controlled by your emotions is immature and childish.

There is a big push to fight toxic masculinity and to teach boys to experience and express their emotions in a healthier way. Emotions are natural, and healthy, and essential to our well-being. You absolutely should be able to acknowledge and express your emotions. That is only half of the equation however. Even dumb babies can express emotions. When they’re sad they cry, when they’re happy they laugh. What babies cannot do, and what mature adults can, is remain in control of their emotions, and react reasonably to external stimuli. An immature child will feel annoyed by something and become angry, and then lash out in anger by throwing a temper tantrum. A mature adult should have the self-restraint and self-awareness to think logically through their initial surge of emotion, determine where it is coming from and whether their reaction to it is appropriate given the situation, and then avoid an unsightly loss of control.

Say somebody at work annoys you. Is it appropriate to blow up in a hissy fit, and cry and scream and throw things? No, obviously not. Should you be able to look at the situation logically and realize that maybe you are feeling so strongly about the issue because you didn’t get enough sleep last night, or you haven’t eaten lunch yet and your blood sugar is dropping, or you’re on your period and your hormones have you feeling a little over sensitive, thus allowing you to understand and then overcome your initial, illogical and inappropriate emotional reaction? Yes.

Even if your reaction is appropriate, a mature adult should always be able to overcome that emotional response anyway, and act in a calm and collected manner. Your emotions should never burden your friends and loved ones. If you’re feeling upset, you should always at the minimum be able to politely excuse yourself to go work through those negative emotions alone. If you’re a grumpy, cranky old bastard whose bitching and moaning ruins everybody else’s day, and you insist upon bringing everybody else down with your negative feelings, I think not only are you immature and childish for being controlled by those feelings, you are also incredibly selfish for forcing others to experience those feelings too. Feel all the negative feelings you want, just please stoically suffer in silence like an adult. You can practice this with my next unpopular opinion.

Unpopular Opinion 5: Abortion is not killing a person, and even if it is, so what?

First of all, I don’t think a fertilized egg is a human being, so there should be no question that a woman should be able to scrape it out of her hoo ha if she so chooses. Secondly, even if it is a potential human being, I say that the mother’s bodily autonomy always exceeds any right to life that the little clump of cells that might someday turn into an unwanted child may have. Third of all, that’s her unwanted child. She can do whatever she wants with it. I think if parents have a baby and it comes out wonky or they just decide they don’t want it, they should be able to throw it off a cliff, Spartan style. Who cares? It’s their baby, they can do what they want with it. If they tried to throw someone else’s baby off a cliff, I would understand the argument against their right to do so, but if it’s their baby, pitcher take the mound.

What are we going to do, run out of babies? Our planet is over-crowded, we can use the extra elbow room. What are we going to miss out on, some great genius inventor philanthropist who will save us all? Doubtful. Even beloved, wanted babies, from nurturing, supportive parents pretty much all turn out mediocre at best, and really rather shitty  most of the time. An unwanted baby from ill-equipped and unready parents almost always ends up worse than that. It’s no secret that access to safe and legal abortions following Roe vs Wade led to a huge down turn in crime several years later, and it’s because all of the babies that would have been born to parents without the finances, education, and desire to raise them well, were never actually born to grow up to be criminals and delinquents. So, yes, I think abortions should be legal everywhere. Comprehensive sex education focusing on actual education, along with freely available birth control should also be available everywhere. It’s our ass-backwards, puritanical, abstinence-only, outdated, religiously inspired sexual mores that actually create the need for many abortions to begin with, so I think it’s pretty fucking stupid for conservative religious zealots to oppose abortions when they’re also responsible for perpetuating the ignorance and misinformation that make the need for abortions more likely. So again, abortions should be legal, but also, so should baby murders, because fuck em, we’ve got plenty. If THAT opinion wasn’t enough to turn you against me, try this one on for size:

Unpopular Opinion 6: I don’t like dogs.

I very much prefer cats. I’ve owned both dogs and cats, and cats are way easier. First, to get a cat, you just need to leave your door open for like 12 minutes and a random garbage cat will wander out from under a bush and into your house and decide to adopt you. That’s it, that’s the entire process. To get a dog you have to choose the breed you want, find the breeder, who inevitably lives 2000 miles away, pay them thousands of dollars so they can get a brother and sister dog to mate, then they send you the neurotic inbred offspring 6 months later, and you have to go to the airport to pick it up, and it always has worms and shits all over your house nonstop for the first week, then you get to spend years teaching it not to gnaw on your baseboards or hump your furniture until finally it gets hip dysplasia and even after a 7 thousand dollar surgery it still drags itself around the house like Herbert the Pervert’s dog from Family Guy, creeping everybody out for the last two years of its short and expensive life.

Dogs are stressful. After a long tiring day at work, the last thing I want to do is to come home and immediately be bombarded by a loud, smelly, excited, jumping, barking animal whose entire life revolves around me. It’s too in your face and abrasive, and not at all relaxing. A cat on the other hand will be quietly napping on the couch and maybe open one eye for a second as if to say, oh hey, you still exist? That’s cool. Then they go back to napping. It’s only once you’re unpacked and in your comfortable house clothes and actually relaxing yourself that they saunter over to give and receive some casual affection.

Plus, you can have a more independent lifestyle with a cat. If I end up going out after work and make a late night of it, there’s no rush to get home before the cat pees or craps on the floor like a dog would. If I have a weekend away from home, I don’t need to schedule someone to come feed/walk/watch the cat, I can set out some extra food and water and he’s just fine on his own.

Not to mention, cats are less stressful for your guests. If you go to a house with a cat, you might never even know it, because the cat will leave you alone. If you go to a house with a dog, you know it immediately, because it’s barking at the door as soon as you arrive, and then it’s jumping on you and clawing you, then it’s drooling on you, then it’s barking at the window at the mailman, then it’s jumping on you again, then it’s trying to steal your food, then it’s barking if you walk into a different room, then it’s barking if you try to leave, then it’s got a weird red rocket boner and it’s humping everything, then it’s eating your shoes, then your host needs to take it for a walk to get it to poop, then they need to pick up its poop, and the entire time it hasn’t stopped making noise or being hyper, and it’s a complete nightmare.

Having a dog is like sharing your home with an insane stalker who has an unlimited supply of methamphetamine so he never runs out of energy, and also he insists on cock blocking you if you bring a girl around. Having a cat is like having a moderately aloof roommate who you’re pretty cool with, and sometimes you hang out but sometimes you don’t and that’s okay, and he’s totally down with being your wingman and helping you get laid. All he asks is to get to sit on the dresser by your bed and watch it all go down.

 

So there you have it. Eight homegrown, wildly unpopular opinions that have hopefully made you uncomfortable. If you’re wondering how I could be so monstrous, I don’t know what to tell you. That’s just the way I feel, man.

If you actually agree with me on most of them however…you’re gross and I like the cut of your jib. Let’s be friends.

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Weddings, and what comes after.

As you may or may not be aware, two months ago Mistress Kay allowed me to upgrade her to Wife Kay, because she is a foolish, foolish woman who makes questionable life choices (thank the gods). In the days and weeks since then, I have had ample time to reflect upon the wedding process, the wedding industry, marriage, and our future. Also, Wife Kay showed me her boobies, and they were neat.

Here are my thoughts regarding the wedding process – it was a pain in the buns. Don’t get me wrong, I had an excellent time at our wedding. It was one of the best days I’ve ever had. Everything leading up to it however…was less so. This is not to say that I would like to change anything, it was a learning process after all, and part of learning what works is learning what doesn’t. It’s just a bit of a bummer that after learning all these useful lessons, now that the wedding is over, we’ll never actually get to use that knowledge. We already had the wedding. I don’t anticipate having another. I suppose if Wife Kay ever comes to her senses and realizes how far down she married, she might divorce me, and then maybe I can possibly get a job as the wedding coordinator for her next wedding, but barring that unlikely scenario…our wedding planning days are over.

Most people who complain about the wedding industry complain about the costs involved. I am one of those people. Here’s the thing. I am a man of relatively modest means. I would consider our wedding to be fairly expensive. Ultimately we spent between $35-40k for everything involved. I know to some, that number would seem exorbitantly high, and to a surprisingly large amount of others, it would seem fairly frugal. My complaint is not that we spent that much money. We did it right. We both have good stable jobs. Hell, we both worked second part-time evening jobs in retail to save extra money exclusively for the wedding. We already own a house. We have no children. We have no other pressing financial obligations that we needed to be saving all of our pennies for. So over the course of the year and a half leading up from our engagement to our wedding date, we were able to save all the money we needed to pay cash for our wedding expenses. Sure, maybe it would have been wiser to have kept all that money to invest in some Roth investment accounts or moderate risk index funds or something, but fuck it, right? We wanted to throw a huge party to celebrate our life together and create special memories with our closest friends and family, and we did just that. I have no complaints about the amount of money we spent, because it was our money to spend, and our choice to spend it. I just wish some of the money was spent differently. Because that’s the thing about the wedding industry. Everybody has an opinion about what is “necessary” for a wedding to be done “right”, and I frankly didn’t give a damn.

Here is what was important to me: Gathering all my friends and family together. Eating good food. Drinking good drinks. Dancing to good music. Having comfortable and safe accommodations. Marrying the woman I love. Taking our clothes off at the end of the night for some unsupervised and mutually agreeable slime time. For those things, I would gladly pay the bill ten times over. They are what mattered.

Here is what is important according to the wedding industry: The rings. The wedding website. The save the dates. The invitations. The bride’s dress. The Grooms tuxedo. The bridesmaids and groomsmen’s matching dresses and tuxedos. The ceremony decor. The reception decor. The center pieces. The guest welcome bags. The cake. Every little piece of flotsam and jetsam you’re supposed to purchase to make your special day “special”. I could have done with out every single one of those things, and still had exactly as much fun and still ended up a happily married man, and I have a sneaking suspicion nobody else would have missed them either.

So why did we get all of those things? Because the wedding industry is insidious and it begins digging its dirty little claws into women from when they’re little baby girls, and it’s hard to walk away from all of those preconceived expectations. All of that pressure and all of that rhetoric about what is necessary and normal and traditional was targeted squarely at Mistress Kay from when she was a silly little Child Kay, so once we embarked on this wedding journey together, she had a hard time letting go of the little details that I was apathetic about or even overtly against, and in the interest of protecting myself from a potential bridezilla in the making, I just rolled over like a Vichy Frenchman in the spring of 1940 and opened my checkbook at the first hint of tears. Oh yeah, and that’s another complaint I have about the wedding industry. Whenever we went out together to meet vendors and make our purchases, nearly all of them treated Mistress Kay like she was some sort of Empress Kay, and treated me like I was nothing more than a bipedal ATM, if they acknowledged me at all. It left a real sour taste in my mouth.

Now that the wedding is over and done with, and we’ve had some time to rest and recuperate, we’ve begun dealing with the next inevitable stage in a young couple’s married life together.

The “When are you having BABIES!?” stage.

FIRST OF ALL – That’s a really uncomfortable question to me because when it is asked, I’m actually hearing ARE YOU HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX!? TELL US MORE ABOUT THE SEX!

SECOND OF ALL – I don’t know when we’re having babies. Maybe in three years when Wife Kay’s student loans are paid off and she doesn’t have to work 60 hour weeks any more. Maybe never. Maybe before then if we mess up during our WILD BOUTS OF UNPROTECTED SEX YOU WERE SO CURIOUS ABOUT AUNT MARTHA.

My feelings on children are complex. We have reached an age where most of our peers have settled down, and for the first time in our lives, we’re really surrounded by babies. They’ve changed from being an abstract thing that happens accidentally to cigarette smokers and immigrants, and become a very concrete and real thing that happens to our friends and relatives ON PURPOSE. Wife Kay is very much feeling the fever, since my sister and three of our close friends all have adorable little babies that she can squish and cuddle and coo over while her biological impulses scream like a London air raid siren during the summer of 1940.

Me? I’m a guy. I don’t really have that same biological timeline screaming at me. I could conceivably still be cranking out kids into my seventies if I ever get rich enough to employ impressionable young secretaries and I subscribe to a Viagra delivery service. Admittedly, those kids would probably come out looking half melted like the monsters from the Hills Have Eyes, but still, it’s possible. What I’m saying is, I’m not feeling the baby fever. Not yet.

I fear that for all of adolescence and into young adulthood, children were the worst possible consequence of sex, beating out HIV and waking up in a bathtub full of ice with a missing kidney by a wide margin. HIV and date rape induced black market organ harvesting are both treatable conditions. A child is a forever consequence. Asking me to suddenly consider children to be the best possible consequence of sex instead of the worst is too monumental of a paradigm shift to easily undertake. I’m trying but…it’s a work in progress.

My concerns about children are that I like sleep, and money, and a clean house, and being physically fit, and occasional binge-drinking or recreational drug use. It is my understanding that children are inimical to sleep, and money, and cleanliness, and health and beauty, and casually self-destructive risky behavior.

Everybody who has children that I’ve asked have all said Oh, yeah, you definitely should have kids, they’re WONDERFUL, THEY’RE AMAZING, YOU’LL NEVER EXPERIENCE SUCH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, IT’S THE MOST GREATEST BEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF TIME, but I can’t help but notice that their voices all sound slightly hysterical, and their puffy bloodshot sleep-deprived eyes are crying out silently for an end to their unceasing nightmare, and the raggedy unwashed clothes they use to hide their doughy amorphous shameful parental bodies are all artfully speckled with puke and snot and feces, and they look more broken then Italian supply lines in the first North Africa campaign of winter 1940, so forgive me if I’m hesitant to take them at their word on the subject.

I also struggle with the ethical implications of having children. Our world is over-crowded and dying. There are already more human beings in existence than we can practically support while bound to our one much abused planet. We don’t NEED more children. So who am I to use up more precious resources growing my family? What is so special about my particular mix of genetics that it absolutely must go on? I’m a fairly dumb guy who’s not even cool. Why should my undoubtedly mediocre offspring receive the limited resources that could be better served going to a higher potential individual?

Then again, I never said I wasn’t a selfish man, and having a little dude or dudette to pal around with would be pretty cool. So who knows.

Que Sera, Sera, right?

MarissaMax_132

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On Publication

first-printing-pressEach time I’ve released a new book, I have been quickly contacted by friends and aspiring writers who are curious about the publication process. Their questions are almost always some form of – How you do that?

Although I do not consider myself a successful author by any means, nor do I pretend to be a bottomless font of information regarding the publishing industry, I do have some limited knowledge that I am happy to share. None of the following information can really be considered a special secret or insider tip, you’ll have to speak with someone who is actually a good writer for those. This is just a very basic and general overview of the publishing process, which I gathered from my own limited experience and admittedly lazy and incomplete research into the subject.

Step one – You’ve written something, or you have something you want to write about. Awesome! It might seem silly, but that really is the most important part. If you don’t have a product, or the idea behind a product, you can’t move to step two.

Step two –Now you need to decide what you want to do with your story. Do you just want to get it out there so you can hold a physical copy in your hands, and other interested people can buy copies too? Or do you want to see your work in bookstores everywhere, while you make millions of dollars and become a famous celebrity? Or maybe you’re aiming for a more modest mix of the two?

The way the publishing world is set up currently, you have multiple options. The first option is Self-Publishing. Self-Publishing is nice because it is the quickest way to see your words in print, and you have complete control of your work. You can choose the format, you can choose the cover art, you can choose the paper size and type, you can choose literally every facet of the book, and you are guaranteed to see your vision in print at the end of the process. You simply write something, edit it, design a cover, (or have someone else design one for you), and send the files to a Print on Demand company. They’ll check to make sure the files you submitted meet their technical needs (correct margins, right page count, boring formatting stuff like that), and then they’ll print it for you, and make it available for purchase by others, no questions asked, no matter what the actual story is.

You CAN spend money to do this with a vanity publisher, but you DO NOT NEED TO. While some companies like Xlibris and others provide publishing packages where you pay an upfront fee and they help with editing and formatting your work, designing a cover, and also do some limited marketing and distribution work on your behalf, I personally don’t think the service they provide is worth the money you pay into it. Especially because there are other self-publishing companies like Kindle Direct Publishing (THIS IS WHAT I HAVE USED) which have ZERO up-front costs, and you can still end up with a completely professional, successful product that is then available for purchase online in paperback or as an ebook, and can also be ordered and stocked by independent and even large scale bookstores, if they decide they want to stock it. I don’t have enough experience to recommend any particular printing company, you’ll have to do your own research to see which company works best for you and your needs.

Most of these modern self-publishing companies work because they are Print on Demand. That means they print one copy of your book every single time it is ordered. They then take their cut of the book purchase price to cover their printing cost, and you receive the remainder as a royalty for each book sold. The royalty amount is modest, from a few cents to maybe a few dollars every book, depending on the price point you set for the book, but these amounts are comparable to or sometimes even higher than the type of royalties you might see from a traditionally published book. The reason they can be so competitive with their rates is because there is no risk involved for them. They only print a book when it is purchased, so they never run into a situation where they have thousands of your book sitting in a warehouse somewhere unsold because nobody liked it. (This can and does happen with traditionally published books, which is why traditional publishing companies are so picky about what manuscripts they accept. Every new book and every new author they choose to do business with is a risk that they might never profit from).

One problem with Self-Publishing is that you have to do a lot more by yourself, both to create the book, and to successfully sell it. First, you need to make sure the book is edited and readable, without the resources of a traditional publishing house working on your behalf. You can rely on friends and fellow writers to help with this a bit (maybe, people are lazy), or you can pay independent editors and copywriters who will edit it for a fee. Or you can just be really careful and do it yourself, if you are a dumb idiot and you think you have a good grasp of the fundamentals of writing (This is what I do because I’m impatient and foolish). I’ve seen a lot of authors fail because even though they have a really interesting and compelling story to tell, they’re simply bad writers, and their story is unreadable.

Another problem with Self-Publishing is that you’re responsible for getting exposure for your book. You won’t have the luxury of it just showing up in global brick and mortar bookstore chains where anybody might pick it off the shelf. Since literally the only barrier to entry in Self-Publishing is moderate literacy, there are a LOT of crappy self-published books out there. So consumers are cautious about buying self-published books from unknown authors. That means you need to have a plan to garner interest in your book. Basically, you need to find your fans. You can always pay for marketing and advertisements yourself, on platforms like amazon and Facebook, and that will get people who otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity to see your book to see it BUT these campaigns cost money, and don’t always pay off. How many ads have you seen on Facebook? A million? How many have you actually clicked on? Probably none.

If you have a website that people already follow, that’s a perfect platform to increase sales, because your followers will already know about you and will be interested in your book. You can also work on building a mailing list of people who you think are interested in what you have to say, or interested in the topic you’ve written about, and will appreciate getting an email whenever you have something new out for sale. If you want to sell a lot of books, you will also need to market yourself aggressively. You can rent a table at book fairs, or set up author signings at bookstores who agree to carry your book. Additionally, if there is a pre-existing group of people who would be interested in your book’s topic, you can reach out to them directly. Like say, if you write a non-fiction book about a specific type of car, you can find out of there is an owners club or fan club for that type of car, and contact them about your book. You can also reach out to local radio stations or podcasters, especially if your book relates to a topic they’re interested in, and they might be happy to do an on air interview with you. You’ll never know if you don’t ask, and as a new author, especially a self-published author, you’ll never sell many copies of your book if you don’t sell yourself first.

The road to publication via self-publishing is short. As quickly as you finish writing your story, you can get it released. If you just want to publish as an ebook, all you need is a relatively well formatted Word document that you can upload to any number of ebook publishers who will make it available for sale pretty much immediately. If you want to publish in paperback or hardcover format, you have a few extra steps to complete like designing the cover, obtaining an ISBN (International Standard Book Number), and converting your manuscript to PDF, but once you have those it’s basically the same exact upload process to have your book be available in print.

If that’s all you wanted, then congratulations, you’ve achieved your goal! You wrote a book, and now that book exists! That’s pretty cool. If you’re just interested in writing as a fun hobby and think it would be neat to have your books available for sale, Self-Publishing probably works for you.

If your goal is to actually make a lot of money self-publishing, while it is not impossible by any means, the road to SUCCESS in self-publishing is long and arduous. It is VERY rare that a self-published author releases their first book and it gets read by the right people and generates enough buzz that it sells well. There’s just too much competition out there. You CAN build a solidly successful career self-publishing however, if you continue producing good work and releasing books year after year. Your fan base will grow geometrically, and with every new book released you will make that many more sales, which will draw that much more interest to your work, which will snowball until eventually you realize hey, I’m paying my bills by writing, I’m a real writer. That’s pretty cool. To succeed at that takes a LOT of grinding however. You need to write consistently, and what you write needs to consistently be good. It’s a full time job and then some.

So what about traditional publishing? What does the life cycle of a traditionally published book look like? Here is the spark notes version of the process:

Step One – You have written a story, or at least a significant portion of a story that you are confident other people will be interested in reading

Step Two – You find an agent. Most traditional publishers do not accept unsolicited manuscripts. That means that even if you have the greatest story ever written, if you, as a random new author, send it directly to the publishing company, it will never be read. By anybody. Ever. It will be thrown out, no question. There are some smaller indie publishers that are open to direct submissions, but they will only be accepting certain types of stories, in certain months, in certain limited numbers, so your odds of finding a home for your manuscript that way are definitely limited. (But not impossible, so definitely do your research!)

This is where an agency comes in. An agent is your hype man. They will represent you to the editors of publishing companies, and will give you the greatest chance of your manuscript being successfully picked up by somebody. Different publishers are interested in different things. Some like genre fiction. Some like literary fiction. Some like non-fiction. Some like all of those things at different times throughout the year. A good agent will do their research and know what publishers are looking for at a given time, and will send your manuscript only to the ones who will likely be willing to check it out. So how do you get an agent? Ironically, it’s pretty similar to what an agent will do when they are shopping out your manuscript to the publishing company. You will have to do your research, see what agencies out there are interested in the type of story you have written or are writing, and which of them are currently accepting manuscript submissions. Then, you will follow whatever rules they have for submissions (full manuscript sent in the mail? First ten pages and a synopsis? Emailed query letter?), you will send out your submission, and then you will wait. 9 times out of 10, you will get no response ever, or if you’re lucky, you’ll get a form letter basically saying thanks but no thanks. If you are VERY lucky however, you might get an individualized denial response back with specific criticisms or advice about your story. Even though that’s a no as well, it’s exciting because it means they actually read your submission. That means you’re getting closer. Basically this process can continue indefinitely as long as you have the energy and will. You keep sending out submissions, and improving your story, and sending out submissions, and improving your story and on and on and on many times over until an agent finally responds and says YES, I would like to work with you. This can take a LONG time. Agents are the first gatekeepers on the road to traditional publication. They receive a LOT of manuscripts from hopeful authors. Some submissions they receive are great. Some are just good. And some are undoubtedly really, really bad. You need to make sure your manuscript is as good as it can possibly be, before you even think about sending it out, because you are up against a huge amount of competition.

If an agent is intrigued by what you have written, and they think it is worth their valuable time and energy to try to get published, then the hard stuff begins. You negotiate with the agency about what their representation will cost (usually commission on the published book, something in the 15% range, NOT an upfront cost from you, that would be ridiculous) and they start the manuscript submission process all over with the publishing companies, all while you’re still working to edit and improve and polish your story. Editors are obscenely busy. They’re not interested in working with  a diamond in the rough. If you’re an unknown author that they can’t guarantee will sell, they want you to already have as close to a finished product as possible before they will spend any of their time bringing it to market. You can find what agencies exist and what types of manuscripts they are soliciting with publications like the Writer’s Digest or Writer’s Marketplace, or even with simple online searches. You can also look up your favorite authors or authors of books similar to what you’ve written, and see who represented them.

Step Three – If your agent finally succeeds in selling your manuscript to a publishing company, they will have their editors review it, and even if you think it’s perfect, your revision and improvement process starts all over again. Since the publishing company has purchased the rights to your book, this is the point where they can demand drastic rewrites, if they so choose. The manuscript is now their baby, not yours. You’re just the hired labor.

Your agent will be essential to help negotiate the best deal for your book with the publisher. Since the agent will be paid from their contracted portion of your profits, it behooves them to negotiate the best possible contract on your behalf, which generally involves some sort of advance payment, and then if sales are successful enough to cover the publisher’s initial advance cost that they paid you, you will start collecting royalties on subsequent sales. A lot of sales need to occur for this to happen however, because the publishing company will be out both the money they spent on your advance, as well as all the cost tied up in printing and distributing your book to countless bookstores. If the books don’t sell well, you may never see another dime beyond that advance payment, and there is nothing you can really do because the publisher now owns the rights to the book, not you. You can probably buy it back from them, and they would likely be willing to do it to cover the rest of their costs on an unsuccessful book, but then you’re right back where you started if you were to self-publish from the get go.

Traditional publishing is risky to you as an author because you might never get to see your book in print. You just might never find an agent or publishing company that is interested in it, and that’s as much due to luck as anything else. The rewards if you succeed however are so high! If your book is published, and it is a hit, and the right people start buying it and talking about it, you can become rich and famous! Talk shows, movie options, book signings, the whole enchilada. Obviously that result is pretty rare. Especially for new authors.

My biggest advice to you is to keep writing! The more you write, the better you get at writing, AND the more opportunity you will have to sell something successfully. If you’re thinking about writing as a business, your stories are your products. The more products you have, and the better they are, AND the better you get at making your stories visible to potential buyers, the more successful you will become.

If there is any particular part of this whole process you’re most curious about or want some help with, let me know! Conversely, if you know of a better way, or think that some of the information I’ve provided is just plain wrong, by all means, educate me.

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Happy Halloween, here’s The Night Ripper!

It’s Halloween! Whether you plan on dressing up as a sexy (insert random job title here),  gorging yourself on candy and sweets until you slip into a diabetic coma, suffering a terror stroke on a haunted hayride, or curling up on the couch to watch your favorite holiday movie (Hocus Pocus, obviously), you should add one more item to your spooky to-do list: Buy my newest book!

The Night Ripper is now available for purchase as both a Paperback and Kindle eBook!

This novel is the first book in my new Watchers in the Dark science fiction series, and has everything your little Halloween Hearts might desire. A haunted spaceship. Hungry vampires. Bloodthirsty pirates. A pretty princess. Friendly aliens. Unimaginable cosmic horrors. Hot Chocolate. Penis jokes. All the holiday essentials!

Give it a read…you know you want to. Then, be sure to leave a review on Amazon or Goodreads to let others know what you think!

The Night Ripper

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Why are liberals such garbage people?

stripes

Until our current presidency, I never really thought about politics. I knew when elections were, and I knew that my parents and friends and coworkers voted, but I never knew who they voted for. To be sure, this was partially due to my general apathy on the subject, but there is no question that it was also because at that time, political affiliation was a more private, less polarizing, relatively minor facet of somebody’s character. Now, it seems that whichever direction you lean politically inevitably provokes judgment from friends, relatives, and even strangers. If you express a liberal point of view, you are immediately labeled a retarded communist fairy snowflake by more conservative peers. If you espouse any conservative biases, accusations that you are a retarded greedy heartless Nazi fascist are sure to follow. Here’s the thing, I know a lot of liberals, and I know a lot of conservatives, but I don’t actually know any retarded communist fairy snowflakes, or any greedy heartless Nazi fascists. The people I know, on both sides of the political spectrum, are just that – people. People who are, for the most part, good, and kind, and generous, and so very intelligent. I miss the days when learning somebody’s political affiliation wasn’t an immediate call to battle, because we could all remember that we were not actually enemies. We’re actually all teammates, working toward the common goals of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, and yeah, sometimes we have different ideas on how to reach those goals, but as mature, responsible, fully-functioning adults we should always be able to extend a little empathy and compassion, and continue working together to achieve those shared goals, even if it requires a little bipartisan compromise.

So where did this disturbing level of vitriol and lack of mutual respect come from? The internet mostly. Never before have we been directly connected to so many other people. Never before have we been able to indulge so easily in masturbatory, self-congratulating echo-chambers of agreeing viewpoints, while drowning out any divergent opinions. Never before have we ever had immediate access to so much information, all conveniently collected, organized, and distilled into understandable chunks and placed right at our fingertips. I mean, really, the entire breadth of human knowledge is at most one or two mouse clicks away, more information than we could possibly absorb even if we lived for a thousand thousand years, but what do we actually use the internet for? Porn mostly, and sharing political memes that are  ALWAYS biased, and almost always promote information that is misinterpreted, incorrect, or outright lies. And I think, for the most part, we know it too, but we share anyway, because all of those likes and shares and affirmations we receive on our posts from like-minded individuals are addictive, and feeding that addiction is more important than fact-checking or engaging in a fair and honest dialogue.

So, what are we going to do about it? Since it is beyond my abilities to bookmark Snopes.com on the favorites tab of everybody’s web browser to help them determine if the preposterous meme factoids or viral stories they’re sharing are in any way true, and since I don’t have the resources to teach everybody even the basics of media-literacy, statistical analysis, or the rudiments of the scientific method (Correlation doesn’t equal Causation guys), I’m stuck with this – Let’s have that fair and honest dialogue. I need to believe that most of the fear and discomfort and disrespect currently simmering between liberals and conservatives is due to simple ignorance. Conservatives don’t get liberals, not necessarily because they don’t agree with the liberal viewpoint, but because they literally don’t even know what that viewpoint is. The same goes for why Liberals don’t get Conservatives. So let’s try to change that. Let’s actually have a discourse, and explain our viewpoints. I have a sneaking suspicion we might find that we have more in common than we think.

I’ll go first. Warning, this is MY viewpoint, so you might very well disagree with it in whole or in parts. That’s OK. That’s fine, really! If you feel differently, I’d LOVE to hear why. That’s the whole point!

I am a white, heterosexual, upper-middle-class American male. I love this country, and consider myself a true patriot. I like crass jokes, red meat, fast cars, and big titties. I’ve lifted every truck I’ve ever owned. I like guns and hunting. I think the government are a bunch of corrupt incompetent fucks, and I prefer that they leave me alone. I approve of the death penalty. I want nothing more than to work hard, become rich and successful, and protect and support my family.

In a surprising twist worth of M. Night Shyamalan at his prime however, I am a liberal.

Let me explain. Since I am a real, complex human being, I do not agree with the entire liberal agenda. I also do not disagree with the entire conservative agenda. I am allowed to decide what is important to me, and to hold my own unique opinions, just like everybody else. Very few people I know fit neatly into either camp without overlap.

I am a white, heterosexual, upper-middle-class American male. I have A LOT to be thankful for. I receive almost universal respect, and am honestly treated quite well, both by fellow American citizens, and the system itself, based solely on my skin-color, sexual orientation, and financial security, all of which are circumstances of my birth completely outside of my control. I LIKE the way I am treated. I enjoy being respected. I like how the system works for me. BUT, I am aware that the way I am treated and the way the system works for me, does not work similarly for everyone. I believe that our country’s issues with racism and bigotry and small-mindedness are a SYSTEMIC problem, if not created by, then certainly perpetuated by the government, and are only able to be completely changed at the federal level. I am aware that non-white, non-straight, non-financially secure, and non-male American citizens do not have equal access to the same American dream that I do. I don’t think that is fair, I think that everyone deserves to receive the same advantages I have received my entire life.

Even if you have brown skin, or weird clothes, or a funny accent, you are still entitled to the same Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness as me.

Even if you like mushing your genitals somewhere I would prefer not to mush my genitals, you are still entitled to the same Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness as me.

Even if you worship different gods, or the same god differently, or no god at all, you are still entitled to the same Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness as me.

Even if you happen to get sick, or lose your job, or fall on tough times, you are still entitled to the same Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness as me.

Even if your family looks different than my family, you are still entitled to the same Life, Liberty and Pursuit of happiness as me.

It is NOT the government’s role to enforce traditional values. It is the government’s role to protect everyone equally under the law.

That is why I am a liberal.

I am pro-choice. Based on my understanding of the science, I don’t think a fertilized egg is a person, nor should it be granted the same rights as a fully formed human being, and I don’t think life starts right at conception, but a little further down the pipeline, but that opinion shouldn’t even matter. I am pro-choice because I support the bodily autonomy of women. I am an organ donor. That means when I die, if I have any ripe juicy usable organs left in my squishy meat sack body, they can be harvested and used to save another person’s life. That is my choice. If I decided NOT to be an organ donor, upon death, even if my organs were perfect and could save 20 lives, they wouldn’t be touched. Because it’s my body, and my choice. Not being pro-choice on abortions, but accepting as a matter of common sense that a person can choose to not be an organ donor upon death to me means you are giving a DECAYING CORPSE more rights than a living, breathing, thinking, feeling, human woman regarding what can be allowed to stay in or taken out of her body.

That is why I am a liberal.

I’m no commie bastard. I like money. I like the free-market in so much as I like earning and spending money, and I don’t like anything that causes me to earn less money, or infringes upon my ability to spend said money once earned. BUT, I think that we need government regulation to protect us little folk from the greed of big businesses. I think businesses are very short-sighted, they do what they do to maximize short-term profits for their owners, and board, and stock-holders at the cost of the welfare of the environment, their employees, and their consumers. Businesses aren’t moral. Businesses aren’t kind. Businesses are unthinking, unfeeling systems designed to do one thing, and one thing only. Make money. I don’t think a federally mandated minimum wage that you can actually survive on, or higher taxes levied against the richest of the rich, who will feel the pain of those taxes the least, are unreasonable. I am not worried that since I am a “Have”, by helping the “Have Nots” I will be come a “Have less” or a “Have Not” myself. It’s not a closed system. We haven’t achieved peak Having. I truly believe I can still “Have” while everyone else “Haves” as well.

That is why I am a liberal.

I consider myself a patriot, not because I think this country is perfect, but because I love this country, but I admit that it is flawed, and I want to work on fixing those flaws. What is more patriotic? Being proud of your country no matter what? Or actively working to make your country something worth being proud of?

If you love your house, but the roof was leaking, what makes more sense? Telling people if they don’t like the roof leak they can leave, because your house is perfect and anybody who says otherwise is a traitor? Or admitting that the roof is leaking, and working hard to fix it, so your house can be the best damn house ever?

The United States has problems. Ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Our prison system is obscenely over-crowded, a huge amount of the inmates are doing time for non-violent drug crimes, and the rate of people of color incarcerated is disproportionately high. This is not because poor black men are more likely to do drugs. It is because poor black men are much more likely to be convicted for doing drugs, while a rich white boy named chad who’s father is a lawyer who plays golf with the judge on Sundays can do all the drugs he damn well pleases with no consequences except maybe spending a few weeks at a Malibu beach resort rehab center. Do you know what is happens prison? Free labor. So, slavery. If you think there wasn’t a conscious decision somewhere to convict as many black and brown men as possible of bullshit crimes to put them back to work as literal modern day slaves, you’re a more optimistic person than I am.

Our public education system is in shambles, and should be invested in. An intelligent, mature, well-adjusted, well-educated future work force is necessary to our continued survival and success. We shouldn’t cheap out to save a few tax dollars now, we need to invest in our nation’s future with well funded primary schools and affordable graduate programs. We can’t blame the youth of America of being dumb stupid idiots if we’re the ones who voted to defund their education.

Our environment and our natural resources are our greatest wealth. We should be focusing on ways to husband and protect and extend their long term value, not strip-mining and polluting and ruining everything for extra profits now at the expense of future generations. Why not invest in solar, wind, water and other renewable energy sources? Why not protect our wildlife, and keep our water clean? So what if we magically don’t run out of coal and oil and natural gas some day, and never need clean renewable energy? What is the down side to having invested money into making the world greener, cleaner, healthier, and happier?

Our healthcare is overpriced. Our health insurance is expensive, and is a for profit system. That’s fine. There is nothing wrong with making money. If people want to purchase health insurance, they should be able to purchase health insurance. BUT health insurance should be UNNECESSARY. Just like we pay taxes to the government to maintain usable roads and infrastructure, and to have a huge big dick swinging military that is better funded then the next 12 biggest militaries combined, we should also be able to pay a modest amount and receive top-notch, cutting edge, inexpensive nationalized healthcare. It’s not a hopeless pipe-dream. Other countries have nationalized healthcare, and some of their systems work. If we adopted a nationalized healthcare system, people could go to the doctor if they get sick or injured, and receive the care they need without going bankrupt, losing their house, starving their family, and annoying their friends with GoFundMe accounts. If other countries can figure this system out, we should be able to as well. Maybe we can use some of that crazy military money.

At the end of the day, I’m a liberal because I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of people who are different than me. I’m not afraid that giving everybody the same advantages I’ve always had will in some way harm me. I imagine that conservatives likely view the liberal mindset as unrealistic or overly optimistic. I imagine they think trusting the government, corrupt and incompetent as it is, with any extra control beyond the bare minimum is a foolish idea.

My question is, can you really trust individual people instead? Can you trust individuals to act for the good of everyone? Or is it more likely that they’ll act in their own rational self interest to make sure that they and their families have what they need, and the rest of us, especially those of us who are different, can burn in hell?

That is why I am a liberal. What are you, and why?

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FINALLY, another book

Barring any last minute printing issues, my new book – The Night Ripper will be released in FIVE DAYS. That’s pretty exciting. (for me anyway) It is a science fiction novel with all the best parts of science fiction. Like space ships! and aliens! and ominous Lovecraftian horrors from another dimension! Also, Vampires. Why wait FIVE DAYS however, when you can read an excerpt now!
In the meantime, or if that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, you should definitely check out my old book – Apostate Konstantin. That book is about witches battling a dangerously militant church in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. You know, that old song and dance. It is already available in paperback or as an eBook, and the kindle eBook version will be FREE to purchase for the next FIVE DAYS.
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Supporting local artists who suck, and other tricky situations.

My town is not what you would consider an especially sophisticated community. The restaurants are mostly all chain restaurants. The ones that aren’t are pizza parlors. It doesn’t have trendy coffee shops for young hipsters to mix and mingle, it has multiple Dunkin Donuts where grumpy blue collar professionals can get their morning caffeine injections. The local dive bar’s patronage has an average age of 102. They all drive 4×4 pickup trucks. Writers, musicians, painters, and other more esoteric creatives do not flock here for its vibrant and dynamic artistic scene. It has no artistic scene.

My town has warehouses. It has tobacco fields. It has tobacco barns. It has assorted tobacco-centric farm equipment retailers, resellers, and servicers. Its only nod to high culture is one museum. It is a tobacco museum.

For all of that, there are artists here. There are painters, musicians, and writers. Against all odds, they exist. I wouldn’t say they’re thriving, but like a persistent fungal infection they lurk in the dark sweaty crevices of this fine rural hamlet, stubbornly plying their craft with little fanfare or support. To them I say – Thank You. Keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t let anybody discourage you from your dreams. Also, maybe don’t read the rest of this post.

As a dedicated consumer of art, especially strange paintings and genre fiction, and a creative dabbler myself, mostly of strange paintings and genre fiction, I want to support their endeavors. I want to take pride in their accomplishments. I want to enjoy the fruits of their labors, the results of their efforts, the expulsions from their imaginative wombs.

To that end, I recently visited the small independent bookstore down the road from my house in order to browse the local authors section and, hopefully, find a new favorite author that I could stalk and imprison a la Stephen King’s Misery. To me, an independent bookstore should be a cramped and disorganized place full of crooked, teetering stacks of second or third-hand cookbooks, Harlequin romance novels, and John Grisham paperbacks. The type of place where time has no meaning and hours of browsing can result in the discovery of countless How-to manuals for rebuilding obsolete automobile carburetors, or a stack of dusty travel books for now defunct nation states, or a signed copy of J.R.R. Tolkien’s lesser known and controversial Hobbit sequel Radagast’s Revenge – There and Back Again Two, Electric Boogaloo, or even a hitherto undiscovered copy of the forbidden Necronomicon of the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred. It should be the sort of establishment which smells more than faintly of cat piss, the overweight bewhiskered culprit has laid claim to the most comfortable armchair, and the elderly proprietor is clearly just barely tolerating your patronage, and would really prefer if you left immediately without touching another one of their precious yellowing  and dog-eared paperback treasures.

The independent bookstore near my house is not like that. For one thing, the owner is young, and SO NICE. Truly, a credit to her profession. For another, her store is well-lit, clean, and organized, with only two walls of books, all of which appear to be new prints. If I’m being honest, the small amount of books actually available for sale in the bookstore is surprising. I might have more on my bookshelves at home. In a world with Amazon, and digital readers, and mega-bookstores like Barnes and Noble however, this perhaps is not insanity. Instead of trying to compete with those businesses, my local independent bookstore offers something different, something you can’t get with the click of a mouse online. Events. Book signings, Book clubs, Author lectures, Arts and Crafts lessons, whatever you can think of, it’s probably scheduled. This place is less of a store for buying books, and more of a venue for literature related activities. It’s an interesting business model, and I truly hope it succeeds.

For all its lack of actual books, it does have a fairly large shelving section dedicated to local authors, so I went there with high hopes that I’d find something at least remotely interesting. It was a bit of a wash I’m afraid. The section had all of the expected non-fiction biographies on local historical figures and fixtures, the type of obsessively but amateurishly researched fare that exists everywhere because any time a town has a person or a thing there is someone who feels the urge to write about that person or thing. There were also some young adult fiction stories which were recommended as good sellers, but I wasn’t in the mood for young adult, especially because good young adult fiction is often fairly bad, and I don’t imagine debut young adult fiction from an unknown local author would be any better. The store owner, who so solicitously helped me in my search was able to recommend one local author’s science fiction book, which I happily purchased because local and science fiction were exactly what I was looking for. I should have requested that the book also be good.

Unfortunately, it sucked. It sucked so bad. It was the opposite of good. It was, in fact, terrible. This thing was an abortion from start to finish. Obviously a self-published job, I was immediately annoyed by the amateurish formatting errors present throughout.

Like how the author indented every new paragraph. But also put a space between every new paragraph. I mean, you do one or the other. That’s an obvious rookie mistake that even the slightest editorial oversight would have caught.

In addition the dialog read like it was written by a non-native speaker with Aspergers overhearing and transcribing the conversation between two other people who also have Aspbergers, and also all three of them have never heard anybody else ever have a normal conversation but they kind of know what words are and that you need to put a few in a row and then put a comma or a period, so they’re going with that and hoping for the best.

I don’t want to go into too much detail but the premise was shaky, the plot was shit and the execution was weak. 0/10, I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul. The most upsetting part however, was that I really wanted to like it. I wanted to become a fan. I wanted to be impressed and excited by the literary genius of a local author. Because I wanted to support him. I want to support all my local artists. But what does that mean? Am I obligated to support my local artists, even when they suck? If they produce garbage, do I have to happily consume that garbage with a smile on my face, because hey, they’re local? Tell me the rules here.

If I was just a consumer, it wouldn’t really matter at all. This author made a product, I didn’t like the product. End of transaction. The complication is that, I also write. It’s a small town. If we both keep writing, we will potentially cross paths. Maybe even at an event at the aforementioned bookstore. What if he asks me if I’ve ever read his stuff? What if he’s read mine? What if he actually likes my writing? I mean, he probably wouldn’t, it’s pretty bad too, but still. Stranger things have happened. How do I navigate this tricky situation? Advise me, Friends.

 

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