First off, there is no heaven. Secondly, there is a hell. It’s the DMV in New Britain.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me rock your box with some inconvenient truths. I’m going to focus my attentions on the Christian faith, not because I feel any special animosity toward it, but simply because I am most comfortable speaking about its basic tenets and doctrines, having been exposed to it the most growing up.

According to the Bible, and those Christian sects that consider it the exact word of God, all you have to to to get into heaven and chill with the saints for all eternity is BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST. That’s it. That’s the whole process. If you believe Jesus was real, was the messiah, and died for your sins, you will be forgiven for whatever it is you do in your life, and you will go to heaven. That’s not so bad, in fact, its pretty easy. Say you spend your life murdering hookers, eating panda-meat, and clubbing baby seals just for the fun of it, as long as you accept Jesus, when you die, you’re in the good guy club. No hell for you.

Unfortunately, if you spend your entire life doing good deeds, give the homeless booze money, clothing those weird egyptian hairless cats, curing cancer and creating peace on earth, etc. etc., if you don’t do it in Jesus’s name Amen, you’re going to spend eternity in Hell (or the New Britain DMV as it were).

I for one say Fuck that Shit. If Hitler and Dahmer can be roomates in heaven because they followed the one essential rule, it’s not a very exclusive club, and i’m not interested. If Faith is literally the only qualification, and Islamic Suicide bombers really do get their 72 virgins, I don’t think the eternal paradise thing is my bag baby. I have a conscience you see.

And if that is the only rule, then why do all the different Christian churches have so many weird rituals and rules they force upon their congregations? Why do people spend their sunday mornings cooped up in a big room, giving money to strangely dressed people who aren’t even speaking the same language, plus the food and music sucks, and old ladies smell weird, and its just creepy when kids pray, and even creepier when kids pray alone with middle-aged, un-related men who aren’t married, when according to their own beliefs, they can be out playing a round of golf instead, and still get the big bonus payoff when they die? It just doesn’t make sense to a Maximus.

Not to mention that the Bible was not written by God, it was written by Dudes. A lot of them. Over the course of years and years. And then it was compiled and edited by other Dudes. And then translated and retranslated by loads of other Dudes. Most of which barely had GED level educations, and probably beat their wives. And definitely had ulterior motives for crafting a piece of literature that would pacify, constrain, and control an entire population of people who were even less educated. So lets just say the veracity of the word of God, as delivered by the holy bible, is suspect.

Then we have the problem of God himself (herself?). Which one is the most popular this week? The Christian-Judeo-Muslim God? What about Ron Hubbard (scientology), or Anansi, or Ba’al, Chalchiuhtlicue, Dawn, Enlil, Forseti, Gaia, Horus, Ishtar, Juno, Kukulkan, Leto, Medb, Nemesis, Osiris, Pan, Quezalcoatl, Rhea, Sol, Tlaloc, Utu, Vishnu, Xi Wang-mu, Ymir, or Zeus, or is it something even older, or newer? Do you know what I am saying? These are just a sampling of all the Gods of the world, whom people worship, and believe in. You would think that if there was any one true God, or any number of true Gods, they would do a better job of monopolizing.  Odds are the God you worship is a phony, because, hey, they all are. Jesus rose from the dead? So do Zombies. We don’t worship those, do we? (do we?) Besides, Hercules was real strong, and he was just half a god. Odin had a beard and a hat. They’ve all got cool stuff going on, but you haven’t been worshipping them, have you? Even if there is a GOD, I think it’s safe to say that our interpretation of him is WRONG, and not something we should base our lives around, because lets face it, he’s not here to argue. IF there was a GOD that made us (highly unlikely), and he is omnipotent, then he made EVERYTHING. I’ve looked through a telescope before, there’s a lot of cool shit out there in the universe. Hes probably busy with that crap. Hell, I doubt he knows we exist. He definitely, positively, one hundred percent doesn’t give one flying fuck about you. (Like anyone in a position of power) And if he does know about us, but continues to let us fuck up so badly, well then he’s a stinky dick cheese, and you don’t need him anyway.

If you’re too egocentric to think things through, and instead insist upon blind Faith with no evidence or proof that your life choices have any credibility whatsoever, you can carry on killing in the name of. That’s what religions do.

I on the other hand will continue adhering to my own personal code of honor, and living my life as I see fit. I don’t need a God to explain why the apple falls from the tree. I have physics for that. From where i’m standing, God is dead, and that’s a good thing.