As I sit here in my underwear, slowly merging into one sweaty unified mess of a creature with the leather sofa, borrowing an unidentified neighbor’s wireless internet, I must admit that there are pros and cons to living in a close-knit neighborhood like a suburb. The pros? People are close. The cons? People are close. Close enough to easily visit, close enough to steal internet from, but also close enough to accidently see me naked on at least six seperate occassions throughout an average day. Also, close enough to get all up in your business. Please, read a draft of the letter I just recently composed and placed in mailboxes up and down my road. I believe you will see what I mean.

Friends, I give you THE LETTER

(Place names have been erased on this internet version to protect our privacy. Whatever is left of it. Which isn’t much. Fucking Suburbs.)

Dear Neighbors,

Greetings from ___________! We are new to the block, and we thought it would be polite to introduce ourselves. We have been lucky enough to meet some of our neighbors in person already, and we have nothing but nice things to say about them, and this street. Everyone we have met has been very welcoming, and has really helped make our new house become
our new home. Good neighborhoods are like that, and we feel blessed to be able
to share yours. For those people who we have not had the good fortune of
meeting yet, please feel free to stop by and say hello at any time! Until our
paths cross however, we would love to tell you a little about ourselves.

Frank is the proud new owner of the house at ___; you probably noticed him moving in a couple months ago. For your reference, he drives the white Honda, and the beautiful black Yamaha motorcycle. He was only recently joined by myself (Max) and my lovely
girlfriend Marissa. I have been friends with Frank for many years, and when
recent career moves brought Marissa and I to the________ ________ area, and we
found that Frank had this wonderful new home that was just a little bit lonely,
we jumped on the opportunity to fix that problem for him. For further
reference, since it is always nice to put faces to names, I (Max) drive the
orange Chevrolet coupe, and the orange Suzuki motorcycle, and Marissa drives
the white Mercury sedan. She is also the girl. So that’s easy.

Like I said before, if we have not yet met, don’t be shy, we would love to! Also, if you ever need a hand with anything, a cup of sugar, or even an emergency roll of toilet paper,
don’t hesitate to ask! We want to be the good neighbors that you deserve.  Also, since we are new to the art of home ownership, and we may unknowingly break some unwritten code of suburban life, PLEASE LET US KNOW IF SOMETHING WE ARE DOING IS BOTHERING YOU IN ANY WAY.

I must stress this, because today Marissa got home from work, and received a fright when a couple police officers knocked on our door. They explained that a neighbor called them in regards to our cars being parked on the front lawn. That is just silly. Police
officers exist to respond to emergencies, and they do an excellent job, but their resources are finite, and calling them in regards to something as insignificant as cars parked non-traditionally is highly irresponsible. Especially when you could have just come
to us with your concerns instead. Had you voiced your concerns to us, we
would have been able to explain that this arrangement is only temporary as we
complete work on our driveway, and the cars will soon return to their proper
place on pavement. We take pride in our property and our neighborhood; we are
simply in the middle of some needed upgrades to modernize our home. If you were
the person who called the police regarding this, please give us a call or stop
by. As neighbors, we value your opinion, and we would like to apologize for
offending you. Even if you were not the person who called the police, please,
please, please come to us first if there is anything bothering you. We will be
happy to listen. That is what friends do after all. And if you have no idea
what I’m talking about, since only one person felt upset enough about our
naughty, naughty yard-cars to involve the authorities, and it probably was not
you, all I have to say is hi! We are glad to be here, we love ___________, we
love ____________, and we can’t wait to meet you!

Respectfully yours,

Max, Marissa, and Frank

(___) ___ ____

Yeah, right around the end of the third paragraph is where that went sour, huh? All I can say is really? Really? I love our house, but living in the ‘burbs is a real adjustment for this rural boy. The vast majority of our neighbors appear to be at least 300 years old, probably have names like “Gertrude” and “Howard” and are bitterly waiting to die alone and forgotten.Oh, and also their grandchildren are probably hipsters. Vile creatures.

Where I grew up, my neighbors still had teeth, minded their own business, respected other people’s privacy, and were usually just coyotes or the Sasquatch. I have worked up a righteous rage, and I sincerely hope that whoever called the cops for this stupid shit finds the stones to tell me face to face. Because then they won’t have a face. I will have torn it off and taken to wearing it myself, a la buffalo Bill, or that texas chainsaw freak.

It puts the lotion on the skin.