Camping in the Cold

This time, the fault is not mine. I wanted to write. I had things to say. I tried, I really tried, but we have no power. Depending upon what part of the country/world/omniverse you reside in, you’re probably experiencing the same problem, in which case you probably have bigger issues on your mind than my lack of blog post updatery. For the lucky uninformed, a large part of the northeastern United States has been without power for days, following an unseasonable and truly bizarre snowstorm, which knocked down every single tree between here and the rocky mountains. It would appear that “autumn” has fallen out of style, and will no longer be observed in the Eastern Time zone. In this brave new world, summer transitions immediately into winter and beach-goers perish from frostbite by the hundred. What can I say? We’re trend-setters.

As I have been incommunicado for a semi-extended period of time, and I’m not certain when I will again have the opportunity, since my house still has no power, I have multiple topics I wish to discuss.

Topic 1: We threw a Halloween Party last Saturday. Mother Nature wrecked it. Not that we didn’t have fun, in an “only twelve people made it here before the roads were closed, and we’re probably experiencing the end of the world; so we might as well drink more beer,” kind of way, and then later in an “I know it’s really late, it’s still snowing, and we’re pretty drunk, but we should definitely move these fallen trees off the driveway using unreliable chainsaws and brute strength,” kind of way. It’s just that we were expecting to have fun in a “damn, there are a million hot hotties at this party, let us comport ourselves with wild abandon,” kind of way. Oh well, you win some, you lose some I guess.

Topic 2: I’m older than the last time we spoke. Significantly older. If lying on the floor in my living room, freezing to death, staring off into the darkness, and contemplating my approaching mortality can be considered “celebrating”, then I celebrated the shit out of my 26th birthday on Wednesday. Things, in my ancient wisdom, I have since realized, are as follows:

– I am now in my “late” twenties. Go fuck yourself.

– My knees, hips, and ankles really DO hurt when it is cold or rainy.

– I think my hair might be thinning and/or turning grey, except on my back. It’s doing just fine on my back.

– Drinking at breakfast is no longer funny. It’s necessary.

– Ten years ago I couldn’t avoid walking around with unwanted raging mega-hard boners. Now I can barely summon a usable semi without my vision going a little blurry.

– I get the bubble guts if I eat any food containing extravagant characteristics like “taste” or “flavor”. I also get the bubble guts if I eat bland food. What I’m trying to say is I always have the bubble guts.

– I used to dream about the future. I now dream about the past.

– I’m old. Haggard. Beat. Worn out. I have reached an advanced state of decrepitudination.

– I have achieved very little.

Topic 3: What the hell is Occupy Wall Street? I have ignored whatever it is that is going on in NYC until now, because when you ignore something whiny and annoying, it usually goes away and leaves you alone, but god damn it they’re still there doing whatever it is they’re doing. All I know is that they don’t seem to like corporate greed, which doesn’t sound very American if you ask me, and they make me feel ashamed of my generation. I shall explain.

I support their constitutional rights to freedom of speech, but their disorganized, unfocused, shitty efforts are a complete waste of time. The Civil Rights movement, Women’s Suffrage, Gandhi’s independence movement, all of these achieved incredible and incredibly necessary advances. Why? They were focused. They knew what they needed, and they were able to effectively communicate their needs. They were organized. They had powerful, visible, unifying leadership. They were relevant. They involved respected, respectful, integrated members of society.

The Occupy(insert-unlucky-urban-area-here) has none of these things. No, that’s not a fair assessment. They have all these things. They just don’t have enough of them. For every educated, coherent, righteous person with a real grievance, there are three idiots from my generation. The entitlement generation.

“Escuse me Chad from Seattle, why are you protesting in New York?”

“Hey man, you know, the pot is pretty good here, and I’ve totally been playing some sweet ultimate in the park with my new friends, but really it’s because the government just needs to step up and say enough is enough, and corporations are being all corporationy, and you know we’re the 99 percent, you know? Because like, Obama was supposed to mean change, but then, how come the sun still rises in the East? I mean like I can barely live off my unemployment and food stamps, you know?”

Well Chad, since you look like a hobo, you’re clearly stoned, nothing you just said makes any sense, and you smell like bigfoot’s dick, I certainly don’t understand why nobody seems to be taking you seriously. I mean, you’re the 99 percent, right? Actually, I think I might have some advice that could help you out. First, stop calling yourself the 99 percent. I’m not a greedy corporation, but I still don’t want to be associated with you. Second, quit your bitching. If you don’t like your situation, change it. Get a job. Work hard. Learn something. Become valuable. Stop demanding handouts. You want something? Earn it. Why should the government take care of you? You’re not crippled or handicapped. You’re a grown ass adult, take care of yourself. You can’t find a job? Fuck you, there are jobs available. You just don’t like that they’re not your dream jobs. We get it, you’re overqualified. So what? Where in the constitution does it say “and ye shall be granted exactly the job you want, just because you want it, with no regard to the laws of supply and demand, or underlying economic conditions”?

“But, I have a job and I still can’t pay my bills.” So learn how to balance a fucking check book you goob. Stop living beyond your means. Move into a shittier apartment. Sell your Xbox or your Fixie bicycle. Pack a bag lunch and stop drinking Coffee. Cancel your Netflix. You know, streamline. Be smarter.

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. You’re right, the government is fucked, and corporate greed is appalling, and the system is broken. It’s bad. Whining about it like spoiled children isn’t going to change anything. You know what might?

Doing something about it.

Our founding fucking fathers knew a thing or two about taking action. They achieved a thing or three they could be proud of. Correct me if i’m wrong, but I don’t recall reading in the history books that this country was formed because George Washington led a drum circle at Valley Forge.

Let that sit on your noodle for a bit.

About Max T Kramer

Max has been better than you at writing since the third grade. He currently lives in Connecticut, but will someday return to the desert.
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1 Response to Camping in the Cold

  1. Mike Schaedler says:

    I think this is my all-time favorite post of yours

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