My mother never hit me, but I sure wish she did.

Our country is a wonderful, amazing, incredible place. Sadly, it is full or horrible, useless people.


We suck, and for the most part, we are frustratingly ignorant of this fact. I don’t believe that we are willfully self-delusional. We’ve just never been told the truth. From the moment we are born to the minute we die, we are lied to. We’re told that we’re beautiful. We’re told that we’re special. We’re told that we can achieve great things. Well guess what. We’re not, we ain’t, and we won’t.

Our great-great grandparents whipped our great-grandparents asses. Our great-grandparents went on to do incredible things. Our great-grandparents whipped our grandparents asses. Our grandparents went on to do great things. Our grandparents rarely whipped our parents asses. Our parents went on to become disgusting hippies. Our parents never whipped our asses. We haven’t gone on to do anything. We still live in our parents basements.

Everybody is too damn emotional, and it’s crippling us as a nation. Instead of valuing incredibility and awesomeness, we value useless things like sensitivity. Two of those three traits won the Revolutionary War. The same two out of those three traits put a fucking man on the moon. Guess which two.

Once upon a time, when a child failed a test in school, their parents would give them a slap in the mouth and tell them to study harder. Now if a child fails a test in school, more often than not their parents will call the school and threaten to sue the teacher until the grade is changed. Which reaction do you really think is more beneficial to the child? I’ll give you a hint. It tastes like knuckles.

We seem to have forgotten the value of failure. Failing causes shame. Shame is an excellent motivator. If we take away the threat of failure, we also take away the incentive to succeed. If you allow yourself to live in a world where mediocrity goes unpunished, don’t be surprised when mediocrity is what you get.

I’m told that children can no longer play dodgeball in gym class, because everyone always throws balls at the fat kids, and its embarassing for them. Come on. We’re not helping the overweight kids by not chucking balls at their faces. Here’s the thing. They weren’t getting targetted because children are exceptionally cruel. They were getting targetted because they’re easier to hit. If there are no tangible, immediate unpleasant repurcussions to being overweight, what’s the incentive for a child to shed the pounds? Not So Little Timmy doesn’t give a hobo’s fart about diabetes or high blood pressure, but if he knows that he could avoid getting popped in the face with a playground ball just by eating a carrot and running around outside, Not So Little Timmy might just turn off his video game system, eat a carrot, and run around outside. Eat less. Exercise more. No more playground balls to the face. Even a child could figure that equation out.

As parents we have to realize that our children are dumb. Every single thing they want is exactly the opposite of what they actually need. If a child was left alone, they’d eat 8 thousand Twinkies, crap their pants, stick a belt buckle into an electrical socket, and die. Are you really concerned about what this horrible, stupid creature wants?

Of course they don’t want to eat broccoli, or study hard, or go to sleep early. They’re kids. They can’t see the correlation between those unpleasant activities, and leading a long, healthy, successful life. You can though. That’s why you have to dish out the tough love. Your kids might think you’re mean now, but odds are they’ll thank you later.

If only our parents had been meaner to us. Our country might not be in quite such bad shape now.




About Max T Kramer

Max has been better than you at writing since the third grade. He currently lives in Connecticut, but will someday return to the desert.
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