It’s been over a month since I last posted. Normally I’d apologize for that…but none of you even checked to see if I was alright. Really? I’m gone for a month, and…nothing? No phone calls to my next of kin? No slightly out of date black and white photo printed on a milk carton? Not even a global mass suicide? I’m disappointed in you world. You let me down bro.

I wish I could say I haven’t posted anything recently because I’ve been so busy working on my other creative projects, or I was kidnapped and forced to lurk in a basement pit slathering myself with moisturising skin creams. At least then I would have soft skin.

Unfortunately, neither of those were the case. I’ve just been working. I received a “promotion” you see, to a salaried position, ie my employer can now give me infinite hours of work a week, and only pay me for 40 hours, and make up the difference in beatings about the face with an argyle style sock full of nickels, which would be alright if I got to keep the nickels, but I don’t. For a young gentleman who enjoys using his “me” time for various beloved activities like writing, reading, writing, stencil style graffiti art, working out, writing and vigorously masterbating to internet porn, losing 99.2% of my “me” time to a soul-destroying bill paying job is eminently frustrating.

Luckily for you, I,  being the eternal optimist that I am, have come up with an elegant solution.

Bring back patronage of the arts, as it existed in medieval and Renaissance era Europe, and give me a patronage.

What I require: Shelter (preferably in a secluded tower or dungeon style suite of rooms in a hopefully drafty and ominous castle), food (the blander the better), a modest living stipend, and free reign to pursue my creative impulses.

What my patron receives in return: My slavish devotion to any particular artistic pieces they commission. The social benefits of having a half-mad art wizard lurking in the shadows of your manor. My dazzling company, should you choose it. My not-inconsiderable sensual prowess, should you demand it. (caveat: be female, don’t tell Mistress)

Interested applicants may inquire via email, facebook, and aeronautical sky writing.

Smashing Pumpkins said it best. Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage. Please, rich, eccentric, patronly types. Help me escape from the mundane. Allow me to create. Who knows, given the opportunity, I might even create something good.