Dark times, America. Dark times. I’m not saying that we’re solely responsible for the world’s devastating income disparity, dangerous climate change, greedy and short-sited military-industrial complex, increasing tensions at home and abroad between various ethnic, racial, religious, and social groups, or atrocious violence in Central/South America, Africa and the Middle East…but we’re pretty much solely responsible for all of those terrible things. But those aren’t what I want to talk about today.

No, what I want to talk about is something far, far, far worse. It’s an evil so pervasive, so all-encompassing, so unforgivable, that if some advanced alien civilization encountered our species, and decided that we were too wretched, too stupid, too horrifying to allow to live, and they summoned a shower meteors to end all life on earth…I’d understand. They’d be right to do it.

What I’m talking about of course, is driving slowly in the left lane on the highway.

For those of you who have never driven on a multi-lane highway in the United States, the far right lane is the “slow” lane, reserved for buses, large trucks, and other vehicles incapable of safely traveling at a very high rate of speed. The center lane is the “travel” lane, designed for, you guessed it…traveling. This is where cars and trucks can set the cruise control, and glide safely and efficiently to their destination. The left lane however, the glorious left lane, is the “passing” lane, or “fast” lane. As its name implies, this lane is for when you wish to overtake someone, or drive at a higher rate of speed than the majority of traffic.

In most States, it is actually illegal to squat in the passing lane, and drive slowly. This is for several obvious reasons. It ruins the safe and efficient flow of traffic, causing faster drivers to change lanes erratically in order to maintain their chosen speed. This leads to accidental traffic collisions, horrific injuries, trillions of dollars of property damage, and countless deaths. It also causes blinding road rage, for those drivers who get stuck behind a slow person in the fast lane, which naturally also leads to on-purpose traffic collisions, horrific injuries, trillions of dollars of property damage, and countless deaths.

All because some slow-poke decided not to obey the posted traffic laws/adhere to the slightest modicum of common-sense, and chose instead to drive in the fast lane.

This choice to me is inconceivable. I literally cannot conceive of why somebody would do something so wretched. I’ve wracked my brain, and done thousands of hours of research, and I’ve come up with some theories, but ultimately, the thought process behind this terrible choice remains so foreign, so absurd, that I simply cannot process it.

Here is why I think, maybe, people drive slowly in the fast lane:

1. People are dumb – This one actually makes a lot of sense, because hey, people certainly are dumb. This theory relies on the hypothesis that people driving in the slow lane might not even realize that what they are doing is wrong. Perhaps they are blind, or deaf, or so downright stupid that they can’t see the line of cars behind them, and they don’t even realize that they’re causing a traffic jam. If this is the case, while they are not necessarily malevolent, they are clearly unforgivably unintelligent and dangerously oblivious to not notice the cloud of palpable rage and violent intent rising behind them. This is worrisome, because these slug-brained failed abortions, who are incapable of functioning at the complex level of a soggy banana peel, are in control of a gigantic hunk of metal traveling hundreds of feet per second, and by sharing the roadway with them, we are placing ourselves in direct mortal danger. As these amoeba-like genital warts trundle complacently about their day, how many dogs, cats, turtles, and families of four have they unknowingly crushed to death with their murder-mobiles? Probably like, a million.
2. People are inconsiderate – The next hypothesis is where things turn darker. While the dumb idiot theory is bad enough, at least it was accidental. The rest of my theories are that the slow lane drivers do it on purpose. Well. Yeah. Of course people are inconsiderate. In this regard though, the level of inconsideration at hand is..I just don’t understand. The thought that somebody would drive slowly in the fast lane, and know that they’re holding up traffic behind them, and consciously not move out of the way…it hurts me. That somebody could feel so entitled, so greedy, so self-centered to do something so blatantly, obviously, unacceptably wretched is really upsetting. Because really, what’s the cost of moving over into the travel lane? No cost whatsoever. If you happen to be traveling slowly in the fast lane, for whatever reason, and there’s nobody else on the road, fine, whatever, you do you. But if you are traveling slowly in the fast lane, and you see a car catching up to you, MOVE. THE. FUCK. OVER. Let that person pass. Let them use the lane as it was intended to be used. By not moving over, you are saying loudly, clearly, and specifically, “Although I don’t even know you, I hate you individually as a person, and I want to ruin your day immediately, for no other reason than because I am an evil lumpish flap-mouthed canker blossom.” Whereas if you move over, which again, takes almost no effort on your part, and is the safe, responsible, and legal thing to do, you are expressing respect for the individual behind you and acknowledging their worth as a fellow human being with hopes and dreams. Also, you know that after they pass you, you can move right back into the fast lane, right? Like, why not just do that? Why not move over for faster cars for a fucking second, and make the world a better place? Oh yeah, because you’re unadulterated evil and you hate happiness and the things that are good.
3. People are controlling – This one is the worst, because it’s a mixture of the two. This hypothesis states that, because people are dumb and inconsiderate, they think they know what is best, and they then take steps to impose their opinion on others. So the people driving slowly in the fast lane think they are doing it for our own good. What-what-what-what. Even if this were true, and these spongy pock-marked hedge-pigs really were saving us from ourselves, and our dangerous predilection for fast movement, how dare they? Is this not the land of the free? In our great nation, it is not society’s role to enforce their opinions and taboos upon anybody else. No, it is our responsibility to police ourselves, and make our own decisions, as the free, responsible, mature adults that we are. This truth, you would think, would be self-evident. But no, there are still those humble-do-gooders who drive slowly in the fast lane, all while simultaneously patting themselves on the back, taking car selfies with their smartphones #blessed, and furiously masturbating, all so they can save us from our sinful speedy ways. This of course doesn’t make any sense, as their actions cause far more dangerous driving conditions, and are responsible for far more accidents and death, than using the highway system as it was designed/intended ever would. But keep patting yourself on the backs and fisting your own anuses you yeasty incestuous miscreants. I know it’s an American tradition to hold tight to stupid opinions in the face of overwhelming truth and scientific evidence. But seriously, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I hope you fall of and get trampled.

These are the top three theories I have, through exhaustive research and rigorous application of the scientific process, come up with. Should additional information ever be discovered in the field of slow-left-lane-driving studies, I will certainly provide you with that up-to-date information as quickly as feasibly possible, as befits my responsibility as a scientist and advocate for the people.

In conclusion, the left lane is for fast driving/passing only. If somebody is driving faster than you, get out of their way immediately. If you don’t, you’re either dumb, villainous, or unforgivably self-righteous (IE dumb AND villainous). If this is you, a pox upon your families. Your entire line deserves to be expunged starting from the beginning of time on. Your family tree needs to be chopped down, peed on, burnt, peed on again, and the ashes scattered to the four winds, while the ground it grew on is salted with the frustrated tears of all the poor innocent people you’ve inconvenienced and harmed by driving slowly in front of them.