In case you missed it, I recently explained how America’s presidential election system works. You can reread that post here.
Now that you know the HOW of the 2016 presidential election race, let’s meet the WHO! Although there are several additional candidates running, I will only be profiling the handful who have a possibility of winning the nomination. While I clearly have certain preferences regarding specific candidates, I’m neither staunchly Republican nor Democrat. My political ideologies in a nutshell are socially liberal, pro-women, pro-LGBT, pro-POC, pro-choice, but also pro-gun, and financially conservative. I’m Anti-big government, anti-big business. I want to keep religion out of politics. I’d like to tax the f*ck out of the rich. I think we need to raise minimum wage. We should spend our tax dollars on healthcare, education, and social security/social welfare programs. We can probably cut military spending by like half without significantly effecting our ability to defend ourselves at home. We need to leave the rest of the world the f*ck alone. We need to invest in renewable energy and focus on climate change. So basically, I desire the same things as most normal people of my generation, and I know that my hopes and dreams will never be realized because too many people in government are too greedy and too stuck in a flawed system. Let’s meet some of the players, shall we?
First, the Klu Klux Klan sponsored carnival freak show that is the Republican Party:
This rascally Lost-Boy is best known for being Peter Pan’s second-in-command, and for being a Florida Senator since 2011. As the Great-Great-Great-Grandson of the famous Marco Polo, Rufio’s campaign is funded mostly by the sale of fine silk and exotic eastern spices. His fiscal and social policies are both conservative, which means he wants to see the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and he hates women and gays. Despite showing a limited capacity for independent thought by working on bipartisan immigration reform, and having his supporters chant Ru-Fi-Oh, Ru-Fi-Oh, Ru-Fi-OHHHH as he wind-skateboards into Republican debates, this fish-out-of-water has little chance of earning the Republican party nomination because he’s not a complete dick.
Hates: Big government, captain Hook, women, gays, his job.
Husband of Hollywood heartthrob Penelope Cruz, Teddy Cruzevelt is a Texas senator, and one of those scary Christians who is probably willing to violently defend cherry-picked passages from his particular interpretation of the Bible while ignoring other passages which don’t fit neatly into his narrow world view. Despite having a Spanish last name, as a Republican he is contractually obligated to consider all Latinos Mexican, regardless of what country they’re actually from, and as a Texan he is contractually obligated to shoot any Mexicans or suspected Mexicans he might find, on site. Theodore “Ted” Cruzynski, while an American citizen, was not born on American soil, a meaningless piece of trivia that, should he win, will undoubtedly be obsessed over by his Republican rivals, to the point where they might even forget to demand Obama’s birth certificate for a day or two.
Hates: Big government, women, gays, poor people, people of color, liberal-arts-majors, the literate, Saturday morning cartoons.
This anti-establishment outsider and billionaire scrote-sac is attempting to prove that you really can buy anything in America, even the Presidential election. He’s a loud, egotistical, delusional, thin-skinned, lying, self-aggrandizing buffoon, with almost no actual knowledge about or logical plans to resolve any of the important issues concerning America today. He has heroically decided to battle the ingrained corruption and greed of American politics by being more corrupt and greedier than the incumbents. By using the exact same methods Hitler used to rise to power, including sensationalism, bullying, fiery rhetoric, antiestablishmentarianism, and playing off of peoples fears of outsiders and the “other”, Chump has garnered the vote of mostly uneducated racist white christian males, who remember the good old days when a man could slap his wife around or kill a black guy with complete impunity. Ironically, those same people who Rump is targeting for votes are people he has spent his entire life, up until this election season, at best ignoring, and at worst actively exploiting, and yet now when he says “jump”, they ask “how high?”. Fundamentalist Christians have conveniently forgotten Plump’s multiple divorces, or unmitigated greed. Struggling blue collar workers have conveniently forgotten that Dump is a multi-billionaire who built an empire using family money, and when left to his own devices experienced multiple bankruptcies. Those same people also seem to forget that while he’s telling them he’ll bring jobs back to America and “Make America Great (for white dudes) Again”, factories in China are cranking out Plump merchandise. He’s had decades to build factories and bring manufacturing jobs to American soil. You’d think if he truly cared about the American worker, he might have done something to benefit them in the past. He has not done so. Nor has he expressed any interest in being taxed at a more appropriate level like other super rich guy Warren Buffett, or contributing to significant philanthropic endeavors, like Bill Gates. No, Trump is out to help exactly one man. Trump. Naturally, thanks to the prevalence of the type of people who believe and share a lot of false hoaxy internet memes on Facebook, he is the Republican front-runner.
Hates: Anybody who is not Trump.
The three listed above are the current leaders for the Republican nomination, but they are by no means the only contenders. There’s the charismatic-as-bread-mold Jeb Bush, the evolution defying Ben Carson, and the Stay-puft marshmallow man Chris Christie, among others, but since they won’t win, let’s not waste our time learning about how horrible they are.
On the Democratic side of the ticket, the players are significantly more limited. There are:
Probably the heaviest hitter, politically speaking, in this year’s election race, Wild Hill is the former First Lady, and current Secretary of State. According to mainstream media sources, who have donated heavily to Clinton’s campaign, and may be slightly less than unbiased, Clinton is a shoe-in for the Democratic presidential nomination. According to the unregulated internets however, things are much more murky. Billary has an unfortunate history of mixing private and public matters, such as the Monica Lewinsky affair scandal with Mr. President, or the more recent personal email scandal. These, compounded with her alleged habit of flip-flopping on major issues depending on political expedience in order to connect with whoever her current audience is, and the fact that she is in a fact a lady, who has a vagina, and lacks a penis, means that there is no shortage of criticisms being leveled at her from the peanut gallery. ‘Murica already had to weather the embarrassment and shame of having a negro president. If you think they’ll allow a girl to lead them!? You’ve got another thing coming, mister. It’s a well known fact that women are weak and have menstruations and can’t be successful political leaders. Angela Merkel is a fluke. So is Dilma Rousseff. And Sonia Gandhi. And Cristina Fernandez. And Nancy Pelosi. And Julia Gillard. And Aung San Suu Kyi. And Queen Elizabeth II. And Queen Raina Al Abdullah. And Yingluck Shinawatra. And Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf. And Laura Chinchilla. Barring them, and you know, all the others, women just aren’t capable of being good leaders.
Hates: Monica Lewinsky.
This guy. This f*cking guy. This f*cking guy right here. I have expressed my discontent with the American political system in the past by refusing to vote in any elections. I always felt that our campaign finance system was too corrupt, and that normal schmucks like me had no real say in anything, so there was no reason to participate. This f*ck is trying to change my mind. And he’s succeeding. The Berninator is an independent senator from Vermont who identifies as a democratic socialist. He has been in Congress for over twenty years. Weekend at Bernie has been making waves as the one candidate who is campaigning solely off of small donations, meaning he is beholden only to the American people, not to any big corporate sponsors or political lobbyists. In his twenty plus years of service to the American people, the Sandman has remained a staunch proponent of basic human rights for everyone, whether they’re white, black, brown, yellow, piebald, guy, girl, cis-gendered, trans-gendered, non-gendered, binary, trinary, rich, poor, smart, dumb. It doesn’t matter. If you’re a people, Bern’s got love for you. I mean, the dude marched with Martin Luther King Jr. That’s awesome. Bernie, accordingly to Hillary’s mainstream media, doesn’t have a chance in hell at winning the Democratic nomination, or the general election, but again, according to the actual numbers compiled from internet polls, he’s the real MVP and he might go all the way. Especially if all the disenfranchised youth who love him actually vote.
Hates: Current campaign finance law, climate-change deniers, combs.
So those are our options. The jerk Republicans, a woman embroiled in scandal, or an idealistic old man. At the end of the day, who is sitting in the White House probably doesn’t matter that much, since people will always find something to complain about, and antagonistic bipartisan politics being what they are, even the easiest, best, no-brainer decisions will probably always be blocked by some self-serving idiot, but still,whether you agree with them or not, all of the candidates would probably do more or less what they think is best for America. Except for Trump. That guy’s a f*cking lunatic.