Friends, we have something important to discuss. A danger which already affects one in six Americans according to a study I conducted in my mind. No, for once i’m not talking about the imminent threat of Zombie apocalypse. I’m talking of course about unprovoked badger attacks on innocent badger farmers, or as they are called in the biz, badg-herds.
Thanks to nationally standardized school curriculums, most students between the ages of 8 and 14 learn to respect and fear the ferocity of the Badger (taxidea taxus), aka nature’s Chuck Norris. Recent statistical evidence proves however that we have gravely underestimated the true danger posed by these omnivorous weasels of doom.
The badger, due to its many uses, along with its stunning good looks and rugged charm, has ingratiated itself into every facet of American culture. Badger based jokes and puns inundate the late night talk show circuit. Badger-hair tampons have all but replaced the once popular Cherokee brand as the discerning environmentalist’s lady-plug of choice (side note: How do you piss off an archeologist? Answer: Give them a used tampon and ask them what period it’s from.) If you have been to the supermarket recently, you have no doubt noticed that delicious and nutritious badger-milk is starting to compete with traditional cow derived milk for supremacy of the dairy aisle. The good people of Wisconsin even worship the badger as their god. These are facts.
It is undisputable. Badgers have become the it creature in the American psyche. BUT AT WHAT COST?
Scientists predict that by 2015, every single American family will have lost a nuclear member to badger-related assault. I know. Shocking. Every year there are reports on more and more badg-herds lost to the very badgers they rely on for their livelihood. The majestic sight of a thousand head badger clan thundering across the midwestern prairie is so romantic that it is easy to forget the human beings that have lost their lives to these cruel and capricious animals. It is a tragic, but easily ignored trend. Until now.
It won’t be so easy to ignore when these cunning beasts, probably in conjunction with their coyote familiars (badgers sometimes hunt cooperatively with coyotes, look it up) sneak attack grandma mildred in her tomato patch, in broad daylight, in her Chicago suburb. If you don’t believe badgers are capable of such violence, look one in the beady little eye. You’ll see the truth. That nasty little beast wants nothing more than to rip your tender throat out with his gigantic terror fangs. He’ll do it too. He’s the fucking man.
We invited these abominations into our hearts, and sometimes, foolishly, into our homes. Now we are poised to pay the price. Do your research. Lobby your local congressperson. Prepare yourselves as best you can. And when they come for you, please remember that I tried to warn you.
Max Kramer 