It’s been a minute since I last posted. That’s mostly because i’ve been working on writing a super sweet new story about astronaut vampires that’s totally going to blow your mind penises while gently cradling your soul balls.

Let’s catch up. There’s a new study which links eating red meat to early death. You can read the CNN news article about it HERE. The study, which tracked the diets of over 128,000 participants for as long as 28 years pretty conclusively shows a link between eating red meat, and dieing horrible disease ridden deaths at a younger age than people who don’t eat as much red meat. What the study failed to mention however, is the indisputable fact that those people not eating red meat, while technically biologically alive, haven’t really lived at all. Therefore, when comparing data on “days lived”, as opposed to “length of existence”, I believe you will find that the study shows quite the opposite results.

Not eating red meat is three orders of magnitude more torturous than…torture. Jesus once equated a day without meat to an eternity in Hell, or New Jersey. Given the choice between possibly dieing in my seventies of a massive heart attack while gnawing on the succulent flesh of a dead, preferably endangered beast, or lingering on into my nineties, trapped in a rotting body fueled by vile substances like “plants” and “nutrition”, wishing for a death that just won’t come, i’ll take the steak-assisted suicide thank you.

As a whole, I think we worry about things far too much. We could all die tomorrow in the zombie apocalypse, so who really cares about trans-fats, and msg’s, and lead-based paints? I had an earnest young hippie fellow knocking on my door a few weeks ago, trying to get me to donate to his cause, which was some act or bill to ban certain plastics in household items, because some studies sometimes show a possible link between these plastics, and the extinction of unicorns, or something. I politely told the young man I was not interested, and he then had the poor manners to become pushy, and demand an explanation as to why I wouldn’t give him money.

Why? Here’s why. I make it a habit to not give money to anybody ever, because well, that’s my money. I also definitely don’t give money to people that smell like crap. And I certainly don’t want any laws passed which tell me which plastics I can and can’t have in my home. Good intentions aside kid, this is my home, and if I want to fill it floor to ceiling with asbestos cream cheese, I should be able to do whatever I damn well please. If you want to waste your time and money on educating people about how I might possibly get cancerous tumors the size of grapefruits in my scrotum if I eat my shower curtains that’s fine, but you have no right to tell me that my snacking habits are illegal. Besides, i’ll probably be dead from all the red meat I eat long before the plastic effects me.

While we are on the topic of bills and laws, there is a bill currently trying to make its way through congress to forgive student loan debt, ostensibly as a way to stimulate the economy. Over 300,000 people have shown their support for this bill by signing an online petition. I would like to personally punch every single one of those people in the face. It would probably do irreparable damage to my hand. I don’t even care. You can read a moderately insightful article about the bill HERE.

You know what people used to do when they were in debt? Pay it off. Not my generation however. That’s too hard. “You don’t understand, I went to a really expensive school to get my masters degree in philosophy and douchebaggery, and i’m having a super hard time paying my loans on my barista’s salary. It’s hard, so I shouldn’t have to do it.”

No. You don’t understand. You didn’t have to go to that over-priced private university, you chose to. And you chose to do it by taking out monstrous loans. That wasn’t your only option. You probably don’t need your Phd to serve coffee. You could have gone to trade school for cheap, and learned something useful. Then, you could have applied that useful skill to a decent paying job. Then, with the money you made at your job, if you wanted to, you could have gone to a better school to get a more prestigious degree. And so on. Sure, it would have taken a few more years, and you would have to work, but you’d be debt free, and deserving of the right to call yourself an adult.

I’m not against higher education. I have a degree, and i’m working on a second. The difference is that I worked full time in construction before I went to school, I worked full time in the food industry while I was in school, and now i’m working full time as i’m back to school. Oh, and also I don’t have ANY debt. Do I have my dream job? Have you seen any of my books on a shelf in Barnes and Noble? There’s your answer. Do I have any complaints though? No. I have a job, my bills are paid, and i’m putting money in the bank. I work toward my personal goals in my spare time.

What I am against is people spending money they don’t have on degrees they don’t need, and then bitching when the real world comes knocking a few years later, and they can’t pay their bills. That’s dumb. That would be like buying a fancy mansion that you couldn’t afford. Oh wait. People do that too.

This brings me to my third, and final topic for the day. The Occupy movement. I guess it still exists? I blame the mild winter. Those turds should have frozen long ago, or wandered in front of a bus in a salvia induced stupor, or something. I’m sad to say Connecticut is home to one of the last infestations, at Occupy New Haven. They’ve been clogging up the New Haven green for six months now. Come on. How can these people camp out for six months? That’s not a protest, that’s homelessness. They need to get some damn jobs, and make something of themselves. Maybe they can get jobs with the New Haven Parks department cleaning up the mess they’ve made? It’s an idea.

These Occupiers were only brought to my attention because they’ve been in the news recently, first because they staged some sort of demonstration where they lay down in the road and blocked traffic for a while. That was a wise move. I’ve always found that the best way to win sympathy for a cause is to annoy and enrage the people you’re trying to recruit. Then, most recently, they were in the news again, because one hobo raped another hobo in their tent city.

Sounds like a real utopia over there fellows.

I hate that I sound like a grumpy old man when i’m talking about my peers, but they make it really hard to be sympathetic. Get it together guys, you’re totally blowing it.