I work for a fortune 100 company. I am not on the board of directors. I am, however, often bored.

Growing up, I never considered myself the kind of person who would thrive in a corporate environment. I thought that because I enjoyed showing my wiener to strangers and breaking into spontaneous interpretive dance routines, I wasn’t the “corporate type”.

Then life happened. I grew a little older and a little more desperate, and I realized that I valued things like “job stability” and “medical benefits” far more than I valued frivolous extravagances like “happiness” or “not-wanting-to-murder-everyone-ness”. When I discovered that I could get paid a nearly adequate salary to do nothing but glare angrily at a computer screen for forty hours a week, at the minimal cost of all my hopes and dreams, mental stability, physical well-being, child-like sense of wonder, and faith in all mankind, I became the “corporate type” real quick.

Now, i’m not one to critizice the job that makes the glamorous lower-middle class lifestyle that I’ve grown accustomed to possible, but I must admit to a certain amount of dissatisfaction with the level of morale shown by my peers and co-peons throughout the course of our daily drudgeries. If I had to describe the general attitude of our department at any given time, “repressed-rage” would fit rather nicely, maybe with a dash of “near-hysteria” thrown in for some extra flavor.

Being a problem solver by nature, I have of course come up with several – I think – brilliant solutions to our morale problem. I have even expressed an interest in sharing these ideas with my 86 immediate supervisors. Unfortunately, through what I assume are a series of completely innocent and unrelated bureaucratic mix-ups, an invitation to their monthly work environment meeting never quite gets sent out to me.Thanks to the unholy magiks of the internet however, I can share share these solutions with you, to the betterment of all mankind. Without further adieu, I give you:

Ideas to Improve Corporate Morale, Volume I

1. Office Pet – This one is a no-brainer. It has been proven, having an office pet is good for morale. In fact, this one is so obvious that, rather than suggesting it to my bosses and having them be embarassed for not thinking of it themselves, I went ahead and did it without asking. I rescued a cute little kitty cat I found lost in the wilderness and brought him in to the office this morning. Now when everyone comes back to work after the weekend, they’ll have a delightful surprise waiting for them. His name is Sir Bites Alot. Don’t let the name fool you however, he just wants to be friends.

Isn’t Sir Bites Alot a little cutie pie?

2. Change the Dress Code – Nothing says “go ahead and kill me now, my life has lost all meaning” like wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants. The same goes double when it’s a woman wearing that ensemble. When was the last time life felt full of promise and the anticipation for what came next was almost overwhelming? You guessed it, highschool prom. In an effort to recapture that glorious feeling I suggest changing the dress code to mandatory Tuxedos and Ball Gowns. How can you feel sad when you look like Cinderella? Trick question. You can’t.

3. Inter-Departmental Competition – A little us against them attitude goes a long way toward bringing people together. Therefore a lot of us against them attitude must be even better. I’m talking about taking this shit to clan of the cave bear levels. Having a tough day? Need to blow off some steam? Why not join up with the 2:00pm raiding party? I hear they’re heading up to collect some scalps and steal toner cartridges on the seventh floor. It’s about damn time too. Those seventh floor freaks are different from us and can’t be trusted, and the last document I printed out had streaks in it.

4. Booze – Booze takes the pain away. America, and America’s Corporations were great in the 1950’s, thanks in no small part to the fact that it was acceptable to drink scotch in the office at 11am. Now I have to hide my drinking while i’m working, and that’s just bush league right there.

5. Naptime – I’ll admit it, sometimes all that drinking makes me sleepy. A twenty minute power nap would do wonders for my focus and productivity. A cot would be nice, but i’d even settle for one of those little carpet squares they used to hand out in kindergarten. The only danger would be inadvertant morning wood upon waking.

6. Spontaneous Dance Parties – Great for the body, great for the soul.

These are just some of the many ground-breaking ideas I’ve come up with which could improve not just my department’s morale but, with minor tweaking, basically any job. If you’ve thought of any others, by all means let me know. I’ll share it with my bosses at next month’s work environment meeting. I’m sure my invitation is due to arrive any day now…

Disclaimer: In all honesty I sincerely like my job. I’m too pretty to be homeless.