Mistress Kay is so…so angry. She is sick and tired of being objectified by insensitive guys every time she goes out in public. They stare, and they flirt, and they make crude remarks. She shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable or unsafe doing something as simple as going to the grocery store or sitting in her car at a red light. I agree. That’s the love of my life right there. If I had my way, her existence would be all happy, all the time. Sadly, I don’t always get my way, and even more sadly, sometimes Mistress feels sad. “It’s inappropriate how strange bro-dudes stare at my magnificent boobies and my sweet ass,” She says (i’m paraphrasing). “They make me feel uncomfortable and objectified, and they have no right.”

Cat calls, leering, creepy advances. Of course it is inappropriate. Of course they have no right. And yet, it happens anyway. Mistress doesn’t like that, and therefore it is the thing that is bad, and must be stopped.

Let me tell something to you. Pay attention, because this is real talk right here. I personally don’t fully get what the problem is.

Now hear me out, please! Hopefully I will be able to articulate myself well enough to avoid having a vicious gang of Mistress’s feminist friends murder me in my sleep, crack open my rib cage like a rotten banana peel, and eat my sweet mushy insides.

I don’t feel like a monster. On the descriptive scale of man, I would consider myself significantly closer to “sophisticated gentleman” than “brutish thug” or “raving sociopath”. I know what is appropriate and what isn’t, and I act accordingly. I am however, unavoidably, a man. As such, my entire existence is experienced through the filter of manness. I don’t know how upsetting and degrading it can feel to be a woman being objectified, because I don’t know how it feels to be a woman, period. I’m not qualified to speak on the matter, and I will never be qualified to speak on the matter, and therefore it is best if I just keep my mouth shut. But I won’t! Fortune favors the bold! Seize the Carp! Woo!

On the rare occassions when females cat-call or leer suggestively at me, no matter how horrifying they are, all I think is ooh, she thinks i’m seeeexy. And then I walk a little taller for the rest of the day. There are literally no bad vibes associated with this type of occurence. Of course, as a guy, there’s nothing deeper attached to it, no learned insecurities or reason to fear. I mean, what’s the woman going to do to me? Be smaller and weaker in my direction? Women obviously feel differently when they’re on the receiving end of such behavior. Like I said, i’m a guy. I don’t understand. I’m not qualified.

I DO however, feel qualified to explain the other side of the coin, the male perspective. No, no I don’t. Even that is too broad. I’m qualified to explain the perspective of young, handsome, well-educated, affluent, generic white guys. Actually, even that is too broad of a generalization. Every single person, no matter how similar they appear, are different. Everybody’s thoughts and feelings and choices are the result of their personal life experiences, cognitive abilities, and surroundings, and are therefore uniquely their own. At the end of the day, I am qualified to explain my persective, and that’s it.

So I shall.

If you wanted to apply my logic to other guys and hope for the best…that would be okay.

I objectify women. Every woman I see is immediately catalogued as “Yes”, “Maybe”, or “No”. They are catalogued thusly because every time I see a woman, my body instantly asks “do I want to fuck her?” I’m not saying it’s right, but i’m not saying it’s wrong either. I have two gigantic saggy balls swinging between my legs screaming “Propogate! Your genes depend on you!” at all times. That doesn’t make me a monster. That just means i’m a living creature and not a toaster oven.

Don’t be offended, ladies. Men are objectified differently than women, but we still get objectified. By each other. Do you know how all the males I see are immediately catalogued? Definitely not as people. “Threat.” “Threat, threat, threat, threat.” That’s because mine fuzzy testicles also want me to kill all of my male competition and take their land and treasures. Compared to that, Girls might have it easy. All I must do is suppress the urge to make sweet love to them. That’s not so bad. Not compared to….murder. You know, that thing I want to do to all men as a matter of principal. I don’t do it though. I barely kill anyone. And the only lady I take on glorious trips to pound town is Mistress Kay. How do I do this? How do I resist my natural hormonally driven urges?

Good upbringing I guess. I have manners. But still, horrifying, isn’t it? And i’m one of the good ones!

Please understand, the behavior of  some men is inexcusable. But why does it even happen? Do you want to know why some men are such creepy bastard-jerks my wonderous lady friends?

Because they hate you. That’s right, they hate you. Do you know why? Because they know they can never have you, and they are terrified of you. Big burly contractor guys hooting at you from the job site are terrified of you. Gangsta pimps rolling past you in their 1986 Caprice classics with 45″ rims…are terrified of you.

Of course they’re terrified of you! You’re women! You’re the most incredible, mysterious, intimidating creatures in existence. You are  beautiful, and sensual, and powerful. You are magical creators of life. You are goddesses. You are perfection incarnate. There is nothing scarier in existence than you.

So what do we do? We can’t rightly admit our fears. Of course not, we’re guys. So we bluster. We bluff. We walk around with our chests puffed out, pretending we have the power. Women don’t even get the worst of this machismo bull-shit. The things that guys, all guys, whether close friends or strangers, call each other, the shit they talk is WAY worse than anything they’ve ever said to a woman. So the next time some jackass says something like “daaaaamn, look at that ass” by all means be offended. What he said was rude, and you deserve to be offended. But also try to put it in context. He’s just a scared little boy, yelling at the boogie man. And six minutes before that he just told his best friend that he was going to pop out his eye with a popsicle stick and shit into his brain case ’cause he’s a little bitch, and guess what, his friend was fine with that, because talking shit is a part of life for guys, and also because he did start it by saying that his pal is a poop smear on a bloody tampon shoved up the butthole of a syphilitic badger.

Again, i’m not saying it’s right. But it just might be a little less wrong than you think too. Do you really believe that the type of guy who makes inappropriate remarks to women treats men respectfully? NO. He isn’t treating you badly because you’re a woman. He is treating you badly because he is a douche. But he’s probably an equal opportunity douche. Feel free to hate him because he sucks at life. Just try to remember that he sucks at his entire life. If he says something too offensive to a guy, eventually he will get punched in the face, and learn a valuable lesson.

What i’m trying to say is, if some cretin says something rude to you, don’t get upset and complain about the unfairness of life. Life IS unfair and always will be. Just punch him in the snout and fix the problem. He’s a dumb guy. They’re like apes. They only understand brute force. It is a sad truth. There are really only two types of creatures (on a simplified, metaphorical level). There are predators, and there are prey. Dudes are taught to think of themselves as predators. Women are not.

It’s not fair that some women feel threatened or unsafe when they go into public places and people act inappropriately. Best way to fix that ladies? Be the predators.