If you’re Jewish, you can’t eat delicious pork. If you’re Hindu, you can’t eat glorious beef. If you’re Muslim, you can’t take a joke. If you’re Christian, you can’t have sex without feeling guilty.
Allow me to adjust the emphasis with some cleverly placed capslockery. If you’re Jewish, YOU can’t eat delicious pork. And I pity you. If you’re Hindu, YOU can’t eat glorious beef. And I pity you. If you’re Muslim, YOU can’t crack a smile. And I pity you. If you’re Christian, YOU can’t take a strumpet to pound town without getting all bent out of shape about it. And I pity you.
I pity you, because everybody else can do those wonderful things. Their parents didn’t force the same beliefs onto them that your parents shoved down your throat when you were young and impressionable and incapable of making your own rational decisions. They have a different set of rules than you do. So shut your damn face bones and mind your own business.
Don’t like gay marriage? Great. Awesome. Don’t get gay married. Don’t believe in cartoon drawings of Muhammad? Alright. Don’t drawn cartoon Muhammads.
Me on the other hand, I can draw the biggest, gayest Muhammad I want, because i’m not you, and I have a different set of rules governing my actions. (I won’t, because i’m not sure what Muhammad looks like…Gee, I wonder why…plus I’ve already got this sweet blasphemous picture to enjoy)
Spoiler Alert: I’m an atheist. I don’t think there is a god or gods. I don’t really care. I do know that every religion, ever, is wrong, and should shut the funk up.
Here’s why :
1. Humans made up religion. Humans do A LOT of dumb stuff. There are a million different religions, with a trillion different Gods, and a gazillion different fully documented “miracles”. But yours is totally the correct one, probably, maybe, possibly. (Not really, don’t be an arrogant doo doo stain)
An example: Christians base their beliefs off of the Bible, since it’s the Word of God. You know the Word of God, as written in coptic Egyptian, septuagint Greek, and ye olde Hebrew by dozens of smelly imperfect humans (who also believed that the sun revolved around the earth) over the course of nearly half a millenium, and then compiled, edited and translated by poorly educated Romans into Latin, and then re-edited and re-translated by even poorer educated English speakers into a version which, depending on what flavor of Christian you happen to be, somewhat resembles the book sitting in the top drawer of the nightstand at the Best Western you just had a weird experience with a tranny hooker in last night. You’ll have to forgive me, but I find the ultimate veracity of your religious literature to be somewhat suspect.
I’m not certain of the exact history of all the other religions, but their books, scrolls, runic stones, and whatever else are probably all wrong too, since they were written by people…and people are dumb.
2. Bad things happen, literally all the time. This one should be a no brainer. If there was an omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent God, she would be able to keep bad things from happening. But bad things do happen. So either God can stop the bad things, but doesn’t want to, and is therefore a jerk, or God can’t stop the bad things, and therefore is a jerk AND a liar. Either way, she’s not worth our worship.
3. Religious folks is judgemental. I don’t know, the Buddists might be cool. Other than that though, what a bunch of intolerant hypocritical anus spelunkers. I think all of the major religions have a “love thy neighbor” clause and yet there are always, always, alllllllways violent clashes between different religious groups.
It’s easy to hate someone if you think they’re different from you, and at the end of your life, you’ll be going to an eternity of paradise, and they’ll be consigned to an eternity of torment. If you really think that you can be a jerk to people who don’t agree with your beliefs your whole life, and then you’ll be rewarded for it forever after, that’s on you.
Me, I don’t have that luxury. I believe all we have is this life, which we happen to be coexisting in right now, for real, no foolsies, and since all we’ve got is the one life, i’d much rather spend it as your friend than your enemy.
Dear religious/spiritual people,
Please stop wasting your lives hating each other. Stop with your protests and your wars and your outrage. We’ve only got one life to live. We’re stuck with each other. We might as well all get along. Please realize, your particular religion isn’t for everybody. No religion is for everybody. It’s not for me. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not for you. If your beliefs give you peace and solace, by all means, do your thing. If you beliefs lead you to be a bully however, and you force your mindset on others through any type of coercion or force, if your beliefs lead you to violence, THAT is when you should go ahead and shut up.
PS San Dimas Highschool Football Rules!
PPS I don’t need Paradise, or Nirvana, or Moksha, or Heaven, or Elysium, or Valhalla to live forever. I have my writing for that.
(Also, i’m hoping to have my brain thoughts transferred into an unstoppable war robot sometime in the future. Fingers Crossed!)
LOL you should read my post about facebook. I talked about this.
ZEBRA FACE: First off…if you don’t know if there is a God or many gods, then you are NOT an athiest, you are AGNOSTIC. I don’t mean to burst your bubble, but it’s true. I studied all the different religions so I know what they all believe. (I’m Christian myself by the way..) and I bet just because I said that you are upset. Oh, and secondly, if anyone is “religious”, you wouldn’t hate people in the first place. Do I support gay marriage? No, but I don’t hate gay people or people of other religions. That’s all I have to say here.
LION QUEEN: I shall refrain from calling you names because my “religion” states that i am above that, so the words “butthole, jerk, ignorant meanie face, and extremely confused little boy” will not be used. but please let me remind you of freedom of speech….you commanding us to “shut up” also allows me to say that you have no right to say the ill-informed statements that you may post…..please just keep this in mind, sir.
Dear Zebra Face and Lion Queen,
Thanks for the comments, it’s always nice to meet new loyal readers!
In all seriousness though (which is hard for me, as this is a humor blog where I often post snarky, inappropriate, or controversial things…you might not have known that) I do appreciate your comments, and your views. It sounds like you are good people, who are tolerant of others, and for that I thank you. Unfortunately, this post was directed at the other, less tolerant, religious EXTREMIST type people, who force their beliefs on others, often with violence. People like that DO exist in all religions, and sadly those are the people who gain their religions the most publicity, not the kind and caring Mother Theresa types. There’s no news like bad news, right? Some Muslims in some places are currently acting out violently against Christians, specifically American Christians, because of a controversial video and some comics. They are killing people…because of a video…and some comics. That is unacceptable behavior being perpetrated by very “religious” people. I’m sure you will agree that there have been so-called Christians who have acted equally as abysmally in the name of their beliefs.
Are you, personally, like that? No, of course not. Is my mother, an active member of a very welcoming and loving protestant congregation like that? Not at all. Are some people, some places like that? Yep. Thooooose are the people I wrote this post for. Like I said in the post, we’re all people. I’d very much prefer if everyone got along. Is that such a terrible attitude to have?
So in conclusion, do I think your beliefs are wrong? Nah. Those are your beliefs. Do your thing girls. Do I think your beliefs are wrong the instant you raise your hand in violence or hate toward another human being because of those beliefs? Oh sweet baby Jesus in his manger yes.
It is much appreciated your mature response to our “ramblings”, and I can most certainly agree that violence was never meant to be a path of any religion and alot of people dont get that. As Ghandi once said when appealed to covert to Christianity, “I like your Christ but not your Christians” and the reasons you listed above are some of obvious examples why he wouldnt. Thank you for clarifying, I cant speak for Zebra Face, but as a new Christian, I have become a little spirited and overly passionate. -Lion Queen
I am a Christian, and I have sex ALL time, without one ounce of guilt…. with my husband hehehe. Guess what, God still loves you even though you deny Him!