If you’re Jewish, you can’t eat delicious pork. If you’re Hindu, you can’t eat glorious beef. If you’re Muslim, you can’t take a joke. If you’re Christian, you can’t have sex without feeling guilty.

Allow me to adjust the emphasis with some cleverly placed capslockery. If you’re Jewish, YOU can’t eat delicious pork. And I pity you. If you’re Hindu, YOU can’t eat glorious beef. And I pity you. If you’re Muslim, YOU can’t crack a smile. And I pity you. If you’re Christian, YOU can’t take a strumpet to pound town without getting all bent out of shape about it. And I pity you.

I pity you, because everybody else can do those wonderful things. Their parents didn’t force the same beliefs onto them that your parents shoved down your throat when you were young and impressionable and incapable of making your own rational decisions. They have a different set of rules than you do. So shut your damn face bones and mind your own business.

Don’t like gay marriage? Great. Awesome. Don’t get gay married. Don’t believe in cartoon drawings of Muhammad? Alright. Don’t drawn cartoon Muhammads.

Me on the other hand, I can draw the biggest, gayest Muhammad I want, because i’m not you, and I have a different set of rules governing my actions. (I won’t, because i’m not sure what Muhammad looks like…Gee, I wonder why…plus I’ve already got this sweet blasphemous picture to enjoy)

Spoiler Alert: I’m an atheist. I don’t think there is a god or gods. I don’t really care. I do know that every religion, ever, is wrong, and should shut the funk up.

Here’s why :

1. Humans made up religion. Humans do A LOT of dumb stuff. There are a million different religions, with a trillion different Gods, and a gazillion different fully documented “miracles”. But yours is totally the correct one, probably, maybe, possibly. (Not really, don’t be an arrogant doo doo stain)

An example: Christians base their beliefs off of the Bible, since it’s the Word of God. You know the Word of God, as written in coptic Egyptian, septuagint Greek, and ye olde Hebrew by dozens of smelly imperfect humans (who also believed that the sun revolved around the earth) over the course of nearly half a millenium, and then compiled, edited and translated by poorly educated Romans into Latin, and then re-edited and re-translated by even poorer educated English speakers into a version which, depending on what flavor of Christian you happen to be, somewhat resembles the book sitting in the top drawer of the nightstand at the Best Western you just had a weird experience with a tranny hooker in last night. You’ll have to forgive me, but I find the ultimate veracity of your religious literature to be somewhat suspect.

I’m not certain of the exact history of all the other religions, but their books, scrolls, runic stones, and whatever else are probably all wrong too, since they were written by people…and people are dumb.

2. Bad things happen, literally all the time. This one should be a no brainer. If there was an omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent God, she would be able to keep bad things from happening. But bad things do happen. So either God can stop the bad things, but doesn’t want to, and is therefore a jerk, or God can’t stop the bad things, and therefore is a jerk AND a liar. Either way, she’s not worth our worship.

3. Religious folks is judgemental. I don’t know, the Buddists might be cool. Other than that though, what a bunch of intolerant hypocritical anus spelunkers. I think all of the major religions have a “love thy neighbor” clause and yet there are always, always, alllllllways violent clashes between different religious groups.

It’s easy to hate someone if you think they’re different from you, and at the end of your life, you’ll be going to an eternity of paradise, and they’ll be consigned to an eternity of torment. If you really think that you can be a jerk to people who don’t agree with your beliefs your whole life, and then you’ll be rewarded for it forever after, that’s on you.

Me, I don’t have that luxury. I believe all we have is this life, which we happen to be coexisting in right now, for real, no foolsies, and since all we’ve got is the one life, i’d much rather spend it as your friend than your enemy.

In conclusion:

Dear religions,

You’re wrong.

Dear religious/spiritual people,

Please stop wasting your lives hating each other. Stop with your protests and your wars and your outrage. We’ve only got one life to live. We’re stuck with each other. We might as well all get along. Please realize, your particular religion isn’t for everybody. No religion is for everybody. It’s not for me. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not for you. If your beliefs give you peace and solace, by all means, do your thing. If you beliefs lead you to be a bully however, and you force your mindset on others through any type of coercion or force, if your beliefs lead you to violence, THAT is when you should go ahead and shut up.

Love,

Maximus

PS San Dimas Highschool Football Rules!

PPS I don’t need Paradise, or Nirvana, or Moksha, or Heaven, or Elysium, or Valhalla to live forever. I have my writing for that.

(Also, i’m hoping to have my brain thoughts transferred into an unstoppable war robot sometime in the future. Fingers Crossed!)