10 reasons why camping is the worst

If the popularity of horrible websites like Buzzfeed has taught me anything, it’s that the secret formula to internet success is: Phase 1 – make a list. Phase 2- ?????. Phase 3 – Profit.

The fact is, stupid people will read just about anything in list form. And they’ll think it’s insightful. And then they’ll share it on Facebook, where their friends will read it, and like it and share it, thus creating an ever expanding mountain of internet smegma which will eventually blot out the sun and kill us all.

I understand why Buzzfeed does what it does. It’s a business, and it needs the best possible Return On Investment. If meaningless, poorly written, blatantly obvious lists created in no time at all with no real effort involved can drive page views through the roof, and page views mean ad revenue which means profit, then obviously they’re going to keep shitting out banal tripe like that from now until the end of time.

Some of us however, maintain that writing is an art, not a business. We have scruples. We hold ourselves, and our websites to a higher standard. We would never sell out to the lowest common denominator in such a demeaning fashion.

Also, here’s a list of why Camping is the worst:

  1. Homeless people do it. Of course, it’s not called camping when they do it, it’s just called depressing.
  2. Bugs exist. Mosquitos, Ticks, Gnats, Tarantulas, take your pick. They’re all out there, and they’re all hungry for your sweet sweet blood nectar.
  3. You won’t sleep well. No matter how smooth the ground looks when you pitch your tent, you are guaranteed to spend all night being stabbed by a rock or a stick or samurai sword sticking up from the ground. Guaranteed. And the people with you WILL snore. Guaranteed. Also, you will either be freezing cold, or boiling hot, because you’ve spent your entire life with the temperature regulated by a thermostat, and your body can’t take the outside world. Additionally, you’ll spend all night wondering what that noise was.
  4. It’s unnecessary. Hiking? Biking? Fishing? Drinking? All the things you can do while camping, you can do just as easily without camping. Because roads and cars are a thing now, and after you finish your outdoorsy activity, you can just leave and go to a hotel. Or home.
  5. Somebody will get hurt. The closest thing to physical activity your jerk kids partake in is Wii Jeopardy, so obviously as soon as they go somewhere even remotely wildernessy, they’re going to shatter an ankle stepping on an acorn, immediately get gangrene, and most likely die.
  6. It’s costs money. A surprisingly large amount, considering this is something homeless people do literally all the time. Buying supplies and gear costs money. Driving to wherever you’re staying costs money. Depending on where you’re staying, getting a campsite may cost money. Gangrene medicine afterwards costs money. Staying home however, surrounded by all your treasures, is free.
  7. You’ll stink. Like bug spray, and body odor, and stale smoke, and poop, and regret.
  8. If you’re a teenager and you have sex while camping, Jason Vorhees will stab you through the spine.
  9. The locals suck. The locals being bears, and wolves, and anacondas, and Sasquatch, and hillbillys.
  10. You’ll probably die. By burning down the forest. Or from an allergic reaction to Poison Ivy. Which you wiped your butt with. Because you’re an idiot.

In case I actually need to define “camping”, Camping is when you, and probably other people, stay in a tent, or under the stars, somewhere…for no particular reason. If you’re sleeping in a tent because you’re halfway up Mount Everest, or on a big game hunt in Africa, or at the annual gathering of the Juggalos, then fuck yeah, it makes sense that you’re slumming it in a tent for a bit, because it’s simply the means to an end, not the end in and of itself. If you begin your camping excursion however with the words “Let’s go Camping!”, and you go camping for no other reason than to be camping, then I hope Bigfoot raids your campsite and chokes you to death with his dick, because that’s dumb. Note, camping is only camping if you’re in a tent, or less. You aren’t camping if you’re staying in a cabin or an RV. Bigfoot can still choke you with his meat stick however.

In conclusion, camping is the worst, and here’s a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon:

Calvin and Hobbes

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About Max T Kramer

Max has been better than you at writing since the third grade. He currently lives in Connecticut, but will someday return to the desert.
This entry was posted in Max's Journal and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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