Max Kramer

As far as holidays go, Halloween is near perfect. Twelve out of a dozen scientists agree, and they have Venn Diagrammical proof. Allow me to  briefly summarize their findings.

1: Halloween, like Thanksgiving, celebrates gluttony. Unlike Thanksgiving however, you can spend time with your friends, who, through a rigorous screening process, you have chosen to include only people you actually enjoy being around. Conversely, you don’t have to spend time with your family, who everyone agrees is an odious cluster of freaks and weirdos, and you’re lucky to be as normal as you are (you’re not normal). Secondly, Halloween gluttony involves candy, you know, something you actually want to eat, whereas at Thanksgiving time you are reduced to playing gastric-roulette with aunt Mirna’s “famous stuffing surprise”. Fuck surprises. I’d rather risk finding razor-blades and AIDS needles in my pre-packaged candy treats than seeing another raisin or cranberry in my fucking stuffing.

2: Halloween is not even a pretend Christian holiday. Sure Christmas is fun, since you get presents, but it has certain integral flaws, like that you’re supposed to give other people presents back, and also feel guilty if you don’t pray for peace on earth and instead just pray for more presents. What about the more debauched holiday traditions? Did you know that Mardis Gras is a Catholic celebration? Yeah, i’m sure the drunken co-ed showing her tits for beads and bourbon shots knew that too. Halloween, on the other hand, has embraced its original roman/pagan roots wholeheartedly, and if there is one thing we know about the Romans and Pagans, it’s that those dudes could party.

3: Halloween is fun for all ages. New-years is a fun, non-christian holiday event that usually involves friends and heavy drinking, but it really brings nothing to the table where kids are concerned. So they get to stay up a little late and watch a blinking electric ball on television. Big whoop. They would rather have stayed home and beat off watching Sponge-Bob marathons, at least then they wouldn’t have had to sit on creepy uncle Fester’s lap, he pinches too hard and always smells like what they will someday realize is crystal meth.

Halloween, on the other hand, is more fun than swearing at a slumber party, starting at about oh, age 3 and ending never. First, you prepare yourself for the big night by butchering innocent pumpkins, and displaying their grisly remains upon your front stoop, proclaiming your ultimate bad-assery to the entire neighborhood. Then, you get to dress up like whatever you want to be (this is important, we’ll come back to it), and THEN you get to go out in public in your hilarious costume, which is the ultimate cloak of anonymity. You are officially safe in the knowledge that for once you are unencumbered by any distinguishing features, and can behave in exactly the way you, as a child, have always wanted to, with no threat of reprisal or consequence, so what do you immediately do? You gather up a bunch of similarly disguised hooligans and you run rapant through your town, looting and pillaging, assaulting, extorting, and burgling neighbors and strangers alike. For most kids, who end their night with an orange plastic pumpkin or a pillowcase full-to-bursting with candy-treats, this is heaven. OR, if you were like my sister and I, your mother called ahead and told the neighbors what you were wearing, so they’d be sure to give you the healthy “treats”, so you come home with a sack full of apples and peanut-butter crackers, now confident in the knowledge that there indeed is no god, and that every person in the entire world will someday betray you, so at least the night retained value as a learning experience for you, if nothing else.

Now, what about when you are no longer a child? What joys beyond the petty larceny of sugar snacks could implied anonymity possibly provide for an adult? I can think of one big one.

Chicks dress slutty. Not just slutty chicks, who I submit are America’s unsung heroines, but all chicks. Sure, for some of them it is probably not a great idea, since they’ve missed a few 8-minut ab workouts and kind of look like over-cooked sausages splitting their casings, but the vast majority are crazysexyglorious. This is especially the case for women who tend to be more reserved in their dress and demeanor on a daily basis, as their transformation is more drastic, and therefore, more of a treat to behold. Your friend Georgine, the 2nd grade teacher, is usually kind of a square, but for this one night she’s not Georgine the 2nd grade teacher, she’s a sexy nurse/police officer/bumble bee/rodent/princess, and that sexy nurse/police officer/bumble bee/rodent/princess is a real party animal, AND is totally willing to make out with you. Well, not YOU. Nobody would make out with you. Luckily tonight you’re not you though, you’re a super hero/villain/ironic outfit wearing guy, and that super hero/villain/ironic outfit wearing guy definitely has a chance with Halloween-Georgine. AND if you get her home from the party, bar, or train station where you found her, and pop in a horror movie, you have a good chance of making that sloppy make-out session turn into a really sloppy visit to pound town. (Because nothing is a better turn on than cuddling while watching B-grade slasher flicks…I guess?) Yes, maybe your morning will be full of regretful crying and awkward silences, but those are problems to be faced by the real you, not whatever persona you have adopted for the evening.

It’s a magical time. Candy, costumes, and unleashed inhibitions. Like I said, Halloween is the best holiday ever.

So how can I possibly hate it? Very personal reasons, I assure you.

1. All the women friends who normally cook for me are usually dieting for about a month or so preceding the holiday, to better fit into their slut-suits, and i’m collateral damage. Instead of getting my normal menu of steaks soaked in bacon i’m left choking down whatever slop their eating, which appears to be slightly moistened dust sprinkled on old-chinese newspapers, with two fingers down the throat for dessert. Yum.

2. I have a twin sister, and we tend to roll with the same crowd. I usually enjoy partying with her. Halloween is the exception. Thinking that she is there in the crowded party somewhere, judging me, as I bask in the sea of exposed cleavage and upper thigh that is a proper Halloween get-together, is a real buzz-kill. Is this mildly uncomfortable guilt something Christians feel all the time? It sucks. Also, if she choses to wear a slutty costume herself, that raises a whole different tier of discomfort and judgement. I know, “just don’t mix your party life with your family life, Max.” It’s a cardinal rule. Problem. She’s a twin. We’re the same age. We have the same friends.  It wasn’t a big deal in college, but now that we’re young professionals and we realize that we’re pretty unlikable and have about 6 friends left between the both of us, yeah, it’s hard to find a good party that she won’t be at. Especially because I happen to be the one that throws “THE” Halloween party every year.

What am I going to do, not invite my sister? That would be a dick move. I’m not that much of a douche. My Halloween character on the other hand….

I love Halloween.