God I hate hipsters so much. Everything they stand for is a piece of crap, and they are all richly deserving of a slow and ironic death. They didn’t always bother me so much, mostly because I had no interaction with any whatsoever, and therefore could conveniently ignore their worthlessness. Not living in an urban environment, I have been able to avoid complete exposure to their elitist craptopia, but unfortunately their subculture as a whole has gained enough momentum that bits of their style and credos are now popping up in suburban and even rural environments. Consequently, it’s becoming personal.

What, pray tell, is a hipster? According to The Hipster Handbook, by Robert Lanham, a hipster “\hip-stur\n.  is one who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. (Note: it is no longer recommended that one use the term “cool”; a Hipster would instead say “deck.”) The Hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat.”

Or if you prefer the Urban Dictionary Version a Hipster is a “Pretentious Asshole”.

Basically, here are my issues with the vile creature that is a “Hipster”.

You mooch off your parents. This is my biggest peeve. Your parents did not slave away for their corporate masters for the past 40 years just so they could pay for your college degree, and then continue paying for your trendy apartment after you graduate and fail to get a job. They have done enough for you damn it, it’s time for you to be an adult now, and not a little weiner boy or girl. Guess what, the real world sucks. Jobs suck. Working sucks. So what? Stop being selfish. Nut the fuck up and get a soul crushing shit job like the rest of us so that you can pay your bills and be a relevant member of society. Grow up asshole. You are not entitled to the weak turd that just oozed out of your own unwashed butthole, let alone an instantaneous dream job just because you graduated with a B average from a private liberal arts college. You’ve still got to earn that shit son. Work hard, pay your dues, take some risks, crack a few skulls and eventually you will reach your goals. Nobody is going to hand them to you on the silver platter you usually snort coke off of.

You celebrate androgyny and physical weakness. For some reason seeing people who look healthy and capable offends you and therefore you shun such common sense necessities as “food” and “sunlight” and “bathing”. I know you think you’re supporting feminism in some obscure way by wearing tight pants and growing out a weak wispy child-molester mustache (this applies to both males and females), but you are grossly misinformed. Guess what? I am well educated. I come from a background of white priviledge. I am smart and witty and funny and snarky and charming. I even enjoy wearing goofy clothes from the goodwill and salvation army. In these ways we are similar. Here’s how we are different. I ALSO work hard, support my family, and eat a steak now and then. I can wrestle a god damned POLAR BEAR, and WIN. I can survive the FUCKING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. I’m not angry that you have a weird sense of style. I’m angry that you conciously make a decision to be weak and fragile and incompetent, instead of striving for the strength and vitality that our nation so desperately needs. I mean, when your average asian sweat-shop laborer can beat you and three of your best friends up, you’re doing something wrong you little man-bitch.

You drink expensive coffee, and cheap beer. Yeah, that actually makes sense. IN BIZARRO WORLD.

You grow out your hair and beard. It’s rad as hell when Zack Wylde, or a viking does it. It sucks balls when you do it. Cut your hair, shave your beard, put on one of the suits your daddy bought you and get a job you lazy beatnik scum.

You ride fixed-gear bicycles. Don’t get me wrong, I like bikes. I like mountain biking, I like BMX biking, and I like street biking. Hell, my favorite street bike is a single speed. Bikes are an excellent and efficient way to get around, especially in an urban environment. so why, WHY do you insist on making it inefficient and annoying by building a fixed gear? Why must you always take things that are good, and make them worse? For those readers lucky enough to not know what a fixie is, it’s basically a bike where the rear wheel does not freely spin, but only turns as you pump the pedals. So even when you are going downhill, you have to be pedaling, because the bike simply can’t roll. Let me be clear about this. A bike that can’t roll is BROKEN. It is an embarassing shit smear on the underpants of our collective conciousness.

I guess when it all comes down to it, i’m not offended that Hipsters dress funny, or act childish, or listen to bad music, or think they know about good literature. I’m offended that they are wasteful. They are wasting their parents money. They are wasting their educations. They are wasting their lives. They think they are the coolest of the cool, but I disagree.

You know what’s cool? Being an adult.