Superbowl XLVI: Us Versus THEM

I had the poor luck of working last night, while most everyone else were home eating buffalo and beer flavored treats, so this morning as I held court in the poo-poo palace, sitting on my porcelain throne, I thought to catch up on some of the exciting TV programming I missed from my laptop. There was one TV event in particular that captured the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere last night.

You guessed it. I am of course talking about the continued coverage of the “civil unrest” going on in Egypt. According to CNN and FOX news sources, the unrest is the result of a highly educated egyptian people demanding an end to the president Hosni Mubarak’s thirty-year regime, a new, fully democratized government, and answers to perennial unemployment and cost-of-living issues.

That’s what our American news corporations want us to believe. You’d be right if you smelled a cover-up. And not even a particularly good, or effective one. It’s pretty clear what’s going on here. It’s the Zombies. They’re smarter than I had first thought.

A few weeks ago I commented on the strife and riots happening in North East Bumblefuckistan, and irrefutably proved that they were the result of a burgeoning Zombie population. I then concluded that we had time to prepare, as it was winter and the spread of infection would be slowed by sub-zero temperatures. It turns out I was wrong.

The Zombies went south for the winter. Into Egypt obviously. I now submit a new theory.

The Zombies are going home. Egypt, as one of the main birthplaces of human civilization in antiquity, might just be where the Z-virus first began. Why are we always so blind? In retrospect, it’s all so painfully clear.

What the hell do you think a mummy is afterall?

You’re right. It’s a rambling, rickety, toilet-paper covered, undead zombie freak. Who also happens to be worshipped. Well played my pestilential friends. When faced with the option of either toughing out a cold dead winter full of numerous peasants with AK-47s and the depredations of ever ravenous siberian wolves, or emigrating to a warm desert nation whose ancestors called them Gods, and built them pyramidal palaces, this newest Zombie threat made the wise choice.

Great. Perfect. Keep a close eye on Egypt my friends. Before we know it the dust from this little coup will clear, and Mubarak will have been displaced by Tutenkhamen’s great great great great great great great…great grandson Pharoah Iamrotten, and his gangrenous hordes.

When that happens, we’re all shit-fucked.

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About Max T Kramer

Max has been better than you at writing since the third grade. He currently lives in Connecticut, but will someday return to the desert.
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