We have a cat. I’m not proud of this fact, and it is not one I generally broadcast, but at the risk of seeming like a weirdo, I want to tell you something about him. His name is MiniTruck III, but he also seems to enjoy ignoring us when called “Truck”, “MiniSucks”, “Sucks”, “SquintyTruck”, “SquintySucks”, “Squinty”, “Squeeeee”, and “Dumb Stupid Idiot.” When Mistress brought him home two years ago, I made my feelings clear about him on my old blog, which you can see HERE if you wish. As you may recall from an earlier post on this blog, I am not an animal person. Basically, I loathed the vile creature the instant I saw him. My initial feelings have only deepened and matured with time, like a finely crafted hate-wine.

I don’t like that animal.

I am one to give credit were credit is due however, and he does seem to be slightly more intelligent than say, lichen. He did teach himself to use the toilet after all. I’m not certain how, Lord knows I didn’t train him. My best guess is that we just let him hang out with us in the bathroom too often, and after repeatedly witnessing our habits, he has taken to using it by himself. If he is near his litterbox, that still gets a visit, and the majority of his business is done outside, but every now and then when nature calls, if he happens to be near a bathroom, he wanders on in and does his urinary thing. (He doesn’t crap in the toilet yet, thankfully, since he doesn’t seem interested in flushing, and coming home to floating cat turd deposits would ruin my day really quickly)

Here is the little jerk’s process. He wanders around the house, most likely annoying me in some way, and he realizes, man (cat?), I have to pee. So he lurks on over to the closest unoccupied bathroom, and hops up onto the seat, like so.

He then checks out the water with a few experimental paw taps, and when satisfied, slings himself spread eagle across the bowl, like one of those little water strider bugs. He then lowers his can down toward the water, carefully keeping his tail elevated, because everyone hates a wet tail, and once situated, he pees, like so.

The animal is clearly strange. This is a cat who hops into stranger’s cars because he enjoys going for rides, and climbs into the shower with us and runs outside during storms, because he likes the rain. Now we have the dubious pleasure of him pissing in our toilets and when he is done, he checks out his handiwork and wanders away, pleased as punch.

Look at that little cretin, so pleased with himself. God, I hate him.