First of all, Happy New Year to you. With the mighty Krampus still bafflingly absent, and the Mayans once again proving themselves terrible at armageddical mathematics, I trust that your holiday season was as devastatingly peaceful and pleasant as mine. Since this is my first post of 2014, I wanted to write something especially poignant and insightful. Then I thought, fuck it, I might as well just offend as many people as possible, like normal. So here we go.
You’re welcome, The World.
Disclaimer: I’m a man. I’m a heterosexual white man. I’m an upper-middle class heterosexual white man. Therefore, since the instant I was born, I have been given every advantage in this world, even though I have done nothing of merit to actually deserve these unasked for benefits. I’m “privileged”. Every facet of the society I live in has been systematically designed from the ground up to empower people like me (ie rich heterosexual white male), while inhibiting the success of anyone not like me (ie not rich, heterosexual, white, or male). This is the world we live in.
I must admit a dirty little secret. I don’t hate it.
Please try to understand, all the benefits I receive simply by looking how I look…are nice. It’s nice to earn a dollar for every dollar my peers earn. It’s nice to be looked in the eye when I’m spoken to. It’s nice to be viewed as a leader when maybe i’m just being a bully. It’s nice to shop without suspicious sales clerks following me around. It’s nice to automatically be listened to, even when I have no idea what the funk i’m talking about. It’s nice to be able to marry whoever I wish. It’s nice to be picked up by taxis.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “It’s a heterosexual white man’s world.” Well, I fit all the criteria, and baby I can tell you, it certainly is.
Don’t kill me. Not yet. Bear with me just a bit longer here. I promise i’m going somewhere with this, and i’m not just admitting i’m a racist, sexist, homophobic asshole. I’m not. Well, i’m an asshole. But not those other things. It’s true, I don’t hate the status quo, since it was designed specifically to benefit people who look a lot like me, but that doesn’t mean i’m not committed to changing it.
Why would I, a rich straight white dude, want to change the status quo? I won’t reap any significant benefit from it. I already have everything.
The answer is, because I need to. I need to because I love my girlfriend. I need to because I love my sisters, and I love my mother. I love my gay friends, and my black friends, and my brown friends. I need to because I didn’t earn this crown, and it’s time to step down from the throne. I need to because I want a world that is equal, equitable, and fair. I need to because it’s the right thing to do.
I’m not a racist. I mean, I hate black people. But I only hate specific black people. Along with specific white people, and specific other multi-hued individuals. My hatred is focused and personal, and I only hate people I actually know. There is no generalized blanket hatred from this fellow. Except for hipsters. Who are usually white. So i’m safe on that one.
I’m also not a sexist. If I was, my feminist girlfriend and her rage-filled army of militant man-hating unshaven she-beasts would surely choke me with their unwashed Diva cups, and then tear me limb from limb in an orgy of violence. Or at least they would try. I would likely outwit them, because they’re girls, so they’re dumb, or I could simply outrun them, since they are girls, so they’re hilariously slow. I joke, I joke.
Lastly, I’m not homophobic. What do I care who someone else loves or lusts after? I’ve got my Mistress, and even if she ultimately leaves me to squish gienies together with a certain butch looking coffee barista from Starbucks, there are enough other beautiful women available in the world who like the D, so i’ll probably find that special someone that’s right for me someday. They’re not all going to be stolen from me by “the gays”. And gay dudes, if you’d rather get a boner and sword fight with your partner, or play space station and dock wieners, or whatever other strange and wonderful things it is that you do, than bounce a woman’s titties around, that’s fine too because that means there’s more titties available for the bouncing by yours truly.
So how then, if i’m not racist, not sexist, and not homophobic, could I support a system that is?
You’re right. I can’t.