I’m upset America. It’s the fourth of July, the sixth most American holiday in the history of man. I should be spending my time having freedom sex on top of a pile of money and double bacon cheeseburgers, or riding my genetically modified American Eagle into glorious battle, but instead I’m forced to come here, to tell you something you should already fucking know.
Nobody likes Selfies.
A “selfie” is when you take some type of camera device, hold it out at arms length, or point it at a mirror, and take a picture of yourself, which you then promptly upload to some sort of social media because…well, there’s no real reason for it. Currently, we take more than 380 billion photos a year, and that number is rising exponentially. 97.7 percent of those photos are duck-face selfies.
I don’t even like normal pictures where you stand with your arms around your friend’s shoulders and have a confused Asian tourist take pictures of you with your iPhone. (why are they so confused? they build the damn things) You know you’re friends, you don’t need photographic proof that you sometimes stand in close proximity. The best photos are candids, because they capture actual moments. Anything staged is a waste. Selfies though. Selfies are worse than Hitler.
It’s not called a selfie because you take a picture of yourself. It’s called a selfie because it is eminently, irrevocably, unforgivably selfish. I think I speak for all of us when I say nobody wants to see another too-close photo of your stupid ugly face. I hate to do this, but girls, I’m calling you out on this one. Guys are also guilty of the extremely narcissistic, self-indulgent, attention-seeking phenomenon, but chick selfies are way more prevalent.
You can add any caption you want, and do it for any alleged purpose, but we know the truth. You’re the most important thing in your life, and you just can’t bear to spend one more second not being paid attention to.
Here are some popular selfie themes, with the supposed reason for the photo and the actual reason:
1. The cool place selfie – So you visited Niagara falls, or the Amazon jungle, or the beach in Bora Bora. You think it’s amazing. You also think you’re amazing. Way MORE amazing. Therefore, you’d better take a photo of your dumb stupid self, with a blurry little bit of (insert impressive place) visible over your shoulder. That way people will know that you went to said amazing place, and that you’re amazing by association.
Don’t do that. If you go somewhere neat, by all means, take a picture of the neat place. Leave yourself out of it though. You’re not neat, and nobody loves you.
2. The I got a new accessory selfie – This is when you get a new necklace, hat, outfit, gold tooth, etc. so obviously you need to take a picture of yourself modeling said piece of junk, because these things matter.
They don’t. They don’t matter. And you don’t matter. You disappoint your parents daily.
3. The oh, no, i’m stuck in traffic selfie – You’re stuck in traffic. People need to know! You know what you should do? Take a picture of yourself sitting in your car with a hilarious angry face, and the caption “Traffic on I-95! A car crashed ahead. A 6 year old died. Lolz.”
Do me a favor. Keep your car in gear, get out, put your face under the front tire, and let it slowly roll over you, crushing your skull like a juicy zit.
4. The look what I can do selfie – Also known as the look how active I am selfie. The photos go something like this: This is me on a bike! This is me having a picnic! This is me choking on a fat dick!
Well, I hope it’s Bigfoot’s barbed dick, and you die.
5. The I just worked out selfie – The idea of working out so that you look good is reprehensible anyway. The act of taking a photo during or after the work out to show just how sexy you are, is sickening. You should work out so that you’re healthy, and strong, and capable. So that you can run a marathon, or climb a mountain, or survive the impending zombie apocalypse. You shouldn’t work out for aesthetic reasons you shallow fuck.
6. The duck-face selfie – At some point, some fat turd somewhere discovered that if you purse your lips in a photo, your cheekbones look more pronounced, and you look a little less like a fat turd. What they have yet to figure out, is that everyone else also knows this, so you’re not tricking anyone. As soon as we see a duck-face selfie where only the face, and maybe some cleavage is visible, we KNOW the rest of the body is a disaster zone of spare tires and cottage cheese. Give it up.
7. The me and Mr. Nibbles selfie – You know what people need to see? Me! and my horrible pet! Hooray!
…It is my sincere hope that the Korean restaurant down the street steals your cat, cooks it, and then serves it to you as take-out. And then you take a photo of the delicious food and post in on instagram. #devastatingirony
The next time you feel the need to take and post a selfie on any social media platform, please ask yourself the following question first:
Am I a cretinous douche?
If the answer is no, don’t do it bro. If you do it anyway, I’ll find you, rip off your dick, put it in a crossbow, and shoot it into your heart.
Now here’s a selfie of me pooping. Happy 4th of July!