2016 Political Post part 2 of 2

Posted on January 18, 2016 by Max T Kramer

In case you missed it, I recently explained how America’s presidential election system works. You can reread that post here.

Now that you know the HOW of the 2016 presidential election race, let’s meet the WHO! Although there are several additional candidates running, I will only be profiling the handful who have a possibility of winning the nomination. While I clearly have certain preferences regarding specific candidates, I’m neither staunchly Republican nor Democrat. My political ideologies in a nutshell are socially liberal, pro-women, pro-LGBT, pro-POC, pro-choice, but also pro-gun, and financially conservative. I’m Anti-big government, anti-big business. I want to keep religion out of politics. I’d like to tax the f*ck out of the rich. I think we need to raise minimum wage. We should spend our tax dollars on healthcare, education, and social security/social welfare programs. We can probably cut military spending by like half without significantly effecting our ability to defend ourselves at home. We need to leave the rest of the world the f*ck alone. We need to invest in renewable energy and focus on climate change. So basically, I desire the same things as most normal people of my generation, and I know that my hopes and dreams will never be realized because too many people in government are too greedy and too stuck in a flawed system. Let’s meet some of the players, shall we?

First, the Klu Klux Klan sponsored carnival freak show that is the Republican Party:

Marco Rufio

Rufio

This rascally Lost-Boy is best known for being Peter Pan’s second-in-command, and for being a Florida Senator since 2011. As the Great-Great-Great-Grandson of the famous Marco Polo, Rufio’s campaign is funded mostly by the sale of fine silk and exotic eastern spices. His fiscal and social policies are both conservative, which means he wants to see the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and he hates women and gays. Despite showing a limited capacity for independent thought by working on bipartisan immigration reform, and having his supporters chant Ru-Fi-Oh, Ru-Fi-Oh, Ru-Fi-OHHHH as he wind-skateboards into Republican debates, this fish-out-of-water has little chance of earning the Republican party nomination because he’s not a complete dick.

Hates: Big government, captain Hook, women, gays, his job.

 

Ted Cruz

outsiders-tom-cruise

Husband of Hollywood heartthrob Penelope Cruz, Teddy Cruzevelt is a Texas senator, and one of those scary Christians who is probably willing to violently defend cherry-picked passages from his particular interpretation of the Bible while ignoring other passages which don’t fit neatly into his narrow world view. Despite having a Spanish last name, as a Republican he is contractually obligated to consider all Latinos Mexican, regardless of what country they’re actually from, and as a Texan he is contractually obligated to shoot any Mexicans or suspected Mexicans he might find, on site. Theodore “Ted” Cruzynski, while an American citizen, was not born on American soil, a meaningless piece of trivia that, should he win, will undoubtedly be obsessed over by his Republican rivals, to the point where they might even forget to demand Obama’s birth certificate for a day or two.

Hates: Big government, women, gays, poor people, people of color, liberal-arts-majors, the literate, Saturday morning cartoons.

 

Donald Trump

Trump

This anti-establishment outsider and billionaire scrote-sac is attempting to prove that you really can buy anything in America, even the Presidential election. He’s a loud, egotistical, delusional, thin-skinned, lying, self-aggrandizing buffoon, with almost no actual knowledge about or logical plans to resolve any of the important issues concerning America today. He has heroically decided to battle the ingrained corruption and greed of American politics by being more corrupt and greedier than the incumbents. By using the exact same methods Hitler used to rise to power, including sensationalism, bullying, fiery rhetoric, antiestablishmentarianism, and playing off of peoples fears of outsiders and the “other”, Chump has garnered the vote of mostly uneducated racist white christian males, who remember the good old days when a man could slap his wife around or kill a black guy with complete impunity. Ironically, those same people who Rump is targeting for votes are people he has spent his entire life, up until this election season, at best ignoring, and at worst actively exploiting, and yet now when he says “jump”, they ask “how high?”. Fundamentalist Christians have conveniently forgotten Plump’s multiple divorces, or unmitigated greed. Struggling blue collar workers have conveniently forgotten that Dump is a multi-billionaire who built an empire using family money, and when left to his own devices experienced multiple bankruptcies. Those same people also seem to forget that while he’s telling them he’ll bring jobs back to America and “Make America Great (for white dudes) Again”, factories in China are cranking out Plump merchandise. He’s had decades to build factories and bring manufacturing jobs to American soil. You’d think if he truly cared about the American worker, he might have done something to benefit them in the past. He has not done so. Nor has he expressed any interest in being taxed at a more appropriate level like other super rich guy Warren Buffett, or contributing to significant philanthropic endeavors, like Bill Gates. No, Trump is out to help exactly one man. Trump. Naturally, thanks to the prevalence of the type of people who believe and share a lot of false hoaxy internet memes on Facebook, he is the Republican front-runner. 

Hates: Anybody who is not Trump.

The three listed above are the current leaders for the Republican nomination, but they are by no means the only contenders. There’s the charismatic-as-bread-mold Jeb Bush, the evolution defying Ben Carson, and the Stay-puft marshmallow man Chris Christie, among others, but since they won’t win, let’s not waste our time learning about how horrible they are.

On the Democratic side of the ticket, the players are significantly more limited. There are:

Hillary Clinton

hillary clinton

Probably the heaviest hitter, politically speaking, in this year’s election race, Wild Hill is the former First Lady, and current Secretary of State. According to mainstream media sources, who have donated heavily to Clinton’s campaign, and may be slightly less than unbiased, Clinton is a shoe-in for the Democratic presidential nomination. According to the unregulated internets however, things are much more murky. Billary has an unfortunate history of mixing private and public matters, such as the Monica Lewinsky affair scandal with Mr. President, or the more recent personal email scandal. These, compounded with her alleged habit of flip-flopping on major issues depending on political expedience in order to connect with whoever her current audience is, and the fact that she is in a fact a lady, who has a vagina, and lacks a penis, means that there is no shortage of criticisms being leveled at her from the peanut gallery. ‘Murica already had to weather the embarrassment and shame of having a negro president. If you think they’ll allow a girl to lead them!? You’ve got another thing coming, mister. It’s a well known fact that women are weak and have menstruations and can’t be successful political leaders. Angela Merkel is a fluke. So is Dilma Rousseff. And Sonia Gandhi. And Cristina Fernandez. And Nancy Pelosi. And Julia Gillard. And Aung San Suu Kyi. And Queen Elizabeth II. And Queen Raina Al Abdullah. And Yingluck Shinawatra. And Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf. And Laura Chinchilla. Barring them, and you know, all the others, women just aren’t capable of being good leaders.

Hates: Monica Lewinsky.

 

Bernie Sanders

bernie-12-commandments

This guy. This f*cking guy. This f*cking guy right here. I have expressed my discontent with the American political system in the past by refusing to vote in any elections. I always felt that our campaign finance system was too corrupt, and that normal schmucks like me had no real say in anything, so there was no reason to participate. This f*ck is trying to change my mind. And he’s succeeding. The Berninator is an independent senator from Vermont who identifies as a democratic socialist. He has been in Congress for over twenty years. Weekend at Bernie has been making waves as the one candidate who is campaigning solely off of small donations, meaning he is beholden only to the American people, not to any big corporate sponsors or political lobbyists. In his twenty plus years of service to the American people, the Sandman has remained a staunch proponent of basic human rights for everyone, whether they’re white, black, brown, yellow, piebald, guy, girl, cis-gendered, trans-gendered, non-gendered, binary, trinary, rich, poor, smart, dumb. It doesn’t matter. If you’re a people, Bern’s got love for you. I mean, the dude marched with Martin Luther King Jr. That’s awesome. Bernie, accordingly to Hillary’s mainstream media, doesn’t have a chance in hell at winning the Democratic nomination, or the general election, but again, according to the actual numbers compiled from internet polls, he’s the real MVP and he might go all the way. Especially if all the disenfranchised youth who love him actually vote.

Hates: Current campaign finance law, climate-change deniers, combs.

 

So those are our options. The jerk Republicans, a woman embroiled in scandal, or an idealistic old man. At the end of the day, who is sitting in the White House probably doesn’t matter that much, since people will always find something to complain about, and antagonistic bipartisan politics being what they are, even the easiest, best, no-brainer decisions will probably always be blocked by some self-serving idiot, but still,whether you agree with them or not, all of the candidates would probably do more or less what they think is best for America. Except for Trump. That guy’s a f*cking lunatic.

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2016 political post part 1 of 2

Posted on January 2, 2016 by Max T Kramer

With 2016 upon us, and the American presidential race gaining steam, there are a lot of different political opinions being thrown about with, as per usual, the least informed people expressing the most strident opinions. Since those people don’t rely upon actual facts to make decisions, a clear, reasoned presentation of empirical evidence and unbiased information would be wasted on them. They’ve made up their minds, and that’s that.

Oh how I envy those people. Regrettably, I have found, like Einstein, that the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know. You would think that with knowledge comes certainty, but quite the opposite is actually true. The more you know, the less you know you actually know, and the less you actually know, the more you think you know. Besides being an interesting philosophical point, the consequence of this is that unfortunately, those people who are least qualified to share their opinions are the very same people who are most vocally opinionated, while more sensible people, being acquainted with the idea of self-doubt, are less likely to shove their more reasonable views down your throat.

This means of course that most of the more enthusiastic political discourse being disseminated as we enter election season is coming from radically opinionated dumb idiots who lack opposable thumbs or the ability to comprehend the potential merits of differing points of view, but somehow retain the base animal cunning necessary to utilize cherry-picked statistics and skewed pseudo-data to lend perceived-credibility to their particular brand of insanity.

This post is not for those people. This post is for the rest of us. The doubters. The thinkers. The reasonable. The people asking: how does the United States electoral system work, and who are the current candidates? In this section I will focus on the former question, and save my thoroughly researched biographies of the political candidates for a follow up post.

How the United States electoral system works:

1.

Rich people take money from other rich people, and spend the money lying to poor people and throwing fundraisers for more money in an attempt to get nominated as the representatives of their chosen political parties. Ostensibly, there are several political parties, as well as the freedom to run as an unaligned independent. In reality, there are two political parties, Republican and Democrat. Republicans believe in greed, small government, deregulation of business, and being proudly evil. Democrats believe in greed, ineffective government, bloated bureaucracy, and being secretly evil.

Republicans
Democrats

2.

Some states have their primary nominations for presidential candidates earlier than others, so the candidates focus on the early states and ignore the later states, because only the early ones matter. Candidates also ignore states that predominantly vote for the rival party, and focus on the few “swing” states who consider candidates based on actual merit, and not entrenched political affiliation. (example: a Democratic candidate isn’t going to win in Texas, a die-hard Republican state, so they don’t bother campaigning there, but both Republicans and Democrats campaign heavily in Ohio, because Ohio, a “swing” state, might vote either way)

3.

Once the candidate receives their party’s nomination, they become the official options for who can become president of the United States during that election cycle. Although it is legal to “write-in” a different candidate of your own choosing when you cast your vote on election day, the possibility of this write-in candidate winning is exactly zero, and likely doesn’t even serve a useful purpose as an expression of social rebellion, or even a clever joke, since in a time-honored tradition, the voting ballots are promptly discarded in the nearest active volcano and replaced with fake, made up results, thanks to Obama, who has been rigging elections since the world began in 1798.

thanks obama

4.

With the candidates chosen, a popular vote is cast for the nominated party candidates. This vote occurs with eligible voters throughout the nation, and votes can be cast for individual candidates, or as an umbrella vote along party lines. (So voters don’t have to know anything about the particular candidates or go through the stress of making an informed decision, they can just go Durr, me like red, so me vote Republican, or Gee golly, I’m blue (dabba dee dabba dye) and vote Democrat). Depending on the State, eligible voters usually include adult white male landed gentry, and sometimes grudgingly the plebeian rabble consisting of gays, womens, peoples of color, and other undesirables.

5.

M. Night Shyamalan plot twist however, the popular vote is not actually a direct vote for the presidential candidates, it’s for “electors” who are people that represent their state as a smaller pool of actual voters and will supposedly vote for a particular candidate on behalf of the rest of the State population.

6.

The “electors”, temporarily gifted with complete immunity from all State and Federal laws, now descend into an orgy of brutality and violence as they hunt the most dangerous game of all, their fellow man. This period of bloody power consolidation is heavily televised from the Capitol, and followed by the general populace with the rabid fanaticism usually reserved only for sporting events such as the Superbowl or the World Series. Once the field of electors has been suitably self-winnowed, the survivors then cast their votes. Usually they vote for the presidential candidate they said they’d initially vote for, but sometimes they’re sneaky snakes, or driven mad by the nightmarish election process, and pull the old switcheroony. This has on no less than 33 occasions led to the election by the electoral college of a new president who had actually lost the popular vote. Ah, representative Democracy at its finest.

7.

Once the Presidential elect is identified through the mystic art of shaking a magic eight ball, the American populace slowly subsides into its normal state of disgruntled malaise and depressed apathy, while the losing candidates return to their respective political parties castles to lick their wounds and plot how to be sore losers and disrupt all of the the winner’s efforts to effectively govern and help the American people. The winner meanwhile has to begin the thankless task of giving their campaign contributors their promised infinity blow jobs, and in between taking sticky loads to the face from lumpy diseased corporate wieners, they need to come up with a plan on how to best betray the American people at the behest of those selfsame corporate overlords.

 

 

Now that I’ve clarified HOW the American electoral process works, I’ll introduce you to the players in this exciting political drama, and answer the burning question: WHO are the candidates?

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The Ultimate Evil

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Max T Kramer

Dark times, America. Dark times. I’m not saying that we’re solely responsible for the world’s devastating income disparity, dangerous climate change, greedy and short-sited military-industrial complex, increasing tensions at home and abroad between various ethnic, racial, religious, and social groups, or atrocious violence in Central/South America, Africa and the Middle East…but we’re pretty much solely responsible for all of those terrible things. But those aren’t what I want to talk about today.

No, what I want to talk about is something far, far, far worse. It’s an evil so pervasive, so all-encompassing, so unforgivable, that if some advanced alien civilization encountered our species, and decided that we were too wretched, too stupid, too horrifying to allow to live, and they summoned a shower meteors to end all life on earth…I’d understand. They’d be right to do it.

What I’m talking about of course, is driving slowly in the left lane on the highway.

slow fast

For those of you who have never driven on a multi-lane highway in the United States, the far right lane is the “slow” lane, reserved for buses, large trucks, and other vehicles incapable of safely traveling at a very high rate of speed. The center lane is the “travel” lane, designed for, you guessed it…traveling. This is where cars and trucks can set the cruise control, and glide safely and efficiently to their destination. The left lane however, the glorious left lane, is the “passing” lane, or “fast” lane. As its name implies, this lane is for when you wish to overtake someone, or drive at a higher rate of speed than the majority of traffic.

In most States, it is actually illegal to squat in the passing lane, and drive slowly. This is for several obvious reasons. It ruins the safe and efficient flow of traffic, causing faster drivers to change lanes erratically in order to maintain their chosen speed. This leads to accidental traffic collisions, horrific injuries, trillions of dollars of property damage, and countless deaths. It also causes blinding road rage, for those drivers who get stuck behind a slow person in the fast lane, which naturally also leads to on-purpose traffic collisions, horrific injuries, trillions of dollars of property damage, and countless deaths.

slow sign

All because some slow-poke decided not to obey the posted traffic laws/adhere to the slightest modicum of common-sense, and chose instead to drive in the fast lane.

This choice to me is inconceivable. I literally cannot conceive of why somebody would do something so wretched. I’ve wracked my brain, and done thousands of hours of research, and I’ve come up with some theories, but ultimately, the thought process behind this terrible choice remains so foreign, so absurd, that I simply cannot process it.

Here is why I think, maybe, people drive slowly in the fast lane:

  1. People are dumb – This one actually makes a lot of sense, because hey, people certainly are dumb. This theory relies on the hypothesis that people driving in the slow lane might not even realize that what they are doing is wrong. Perhaps they are blind, or deaf, or so downright stupid that they can’t see the line of cars behind them, and they don’t even realize that they’re causing a traffic jam. If this is the case, while they are not necessarily malevolent, they are clearly unforgivably unintelligent and dangerously oblivious to not notice the cloud of palpable rage and violent intent rising behind them. This is worrisome, because these slug-brained failed abortions, who are incapable of functioning at the complex level of a soggy banana peel, are in control of a gigantic hunk of metal traveling hundreds of feet per second, and by sharing the roadway with them, we are placing ourselves in direct mortal danger. As these amoeba-like genital warts trundle complacently about their day, how many dogs, cats, turtles, and families of four have they unknowingly crushed to death with their murder-mobiles? Probably like, a million.
  2. People are inconsiderate – The next hypothesis is where things turn darker. While the dumb idiot theory is bad enough, at least it was accidental. The rest of my theories are that the slow lane drivers do it on purpose. Well. Yeah. Of course people are inconsiderate. In this regard though, the level of inconsideration at hand is..I just don’t understand. The thought that somebody would drive slowly in the fast lane, and know that they’re holding up traffic behind them, and consciously not move out of the way…it hurts me. That somebody could feel so entitled, so greedy, so self-centered to do something so blatantly, obviously, unacceptably wretched is really upsetting. Because really, what’s the cost of moving over into the travel lane? No cost whatsoever. If you happen to be traveling slowly in the fast lane, for whatever reason, and there’s nobody else on the road, fine, whatever, you do you. But if you are traveling slowly in the fast lane, and you see a car catching up to you, MOVE. THE. FUCK. OVER. Let that person pass. Let them use the lane as it was intended to be used. By not moving over, you are saying loudly, clearly, and specifically, “Although I don’t even know you, I hate you individually as a person, and I want to ruin your day immediately, for no other reason than because I am an evil lumpish flap-mouthed canker blossom.” Whereas if you move over, which again, takes almost no effort on your part, and is the safe, responsible, and legal thing to do, you are expressing respect for the individual behind you and acknowledging their worth as a fellow human being with hopes and dreams. Also, you know that after they pass you, you can move right back into the fast lane, right? Like, why not just do that? Why not move over for faster cars for a fucking second, and make the world a better place? Oh yeah, because you’re unadulterated evil and you hate happiness and the things that are good.
  3. People are controlling – This one is the worst, because it’s a mixture of the two. This hypothesis states that, because people are dumb and inconsiderate, they think they know what is best, and they then take steps to impose their opinion on others. So the people driving slowly in the fast lane think they are doing it for our own good. What-what-what-what. Even if this were true, and these spongy pock-marked hedge-pigs really were saving us from ourselves, and our dangerous predilection for fast movement, how dare they? Is this not the land of the free? In our great nation, it is not society’s role to enforce their opinions and taboos upon anybody else. No, it is our responsibility to police ourselves, and make our own decisions, as the free, responsible, mature adults that we are. This truth, you would think, would be self-evident. But no, there are still those humble-do-gooders who drive slowly in the fast lane, all while simultaneously patting themselves on the back, taking car selfies with their smartphones #blessed, and furiously masturbating, all so they can save us from our sinful speedy ways. This of course doesn’t make any sense, as their actions cause far more dangerous driving conditions, and are responsible for far more accidents and death, than using the highway system as it was designed/intended ever would. But keep patting yourself on the backs and fisting your own anuses you yeasty incestuous miscreants. I know it’s an American tradition to hold tight to stupid opinions in the face of overwhelming truth and scientific evidence. But seriously, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I hope you fall of and get trampled.

These are the top three theories I have, through exhaustive research and rigorous application of the scientific process, come up with. Should additional information ever be discovered in the field of slow-left-lane-driving studies, I will certainly provide you with that up-to-date information as quickly as feasibly possible, as befits my responsibility as a scientist and advocate for the people.

In conclusion, the left lane is for fast driving/passing only. If somebody is driving faster than you, get out of their way immediately. If you don’t, you’re either dumb, villainous, or unforgivably self-righteous (IE dumb AND villainous). If this is you, a pox upon your families. Your entire line deserves to be expunged starting from the beginning of time on. Your family tree needs to be chopped down, peed on, burnt, peed on again, and the ashes scattered to the four winds, while the ground it grew on is salted with the frustrated tears of all the poor innocent people you’ve inconvenienced and harmed by driving slowly in front of them.

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It’s my birthday! Buy this book I wrote!

Posted on November 2, 2015 by Max T Kramer

Here is a book. I wrote this book. You should buy this book. Then, presumably, you should read this book. Then I’d appreciate it if you reviewed this book on Amazon and/or Goodreads.

Apostate_Konstantin_Cover_for_Kindle

Intrigued? You should be. You can purchase the book HERE.

I love you all.

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On Babies

Posted on October 15, 2015 by Max T Kramer

I’m just a few weeks out from my 30th birthday. What a mind-fuck. I don’t think I’m old, but I remember back to when my parent’s friends were turning thirty, and child me was lurking underfoot during their boring, Zima drinking, no cake or pinata having, adult birthday parties, in all my thumb-sucking, rat-tailed, preschool glory. Back then I knew without a shadow of a doubt that thirty was some Jurassic period Methuselah type bullshit and that they were literally older than time itself. Now that I myself have reached that venerable age, I’m surprised to admit that..thirty ain’t that old.

Granted, my body isn’t what it was ten, or even five years ago, but it’s not a complete wreck either. I can still do practically everything I used to be able to do, I just pay for it in pulled muscles and regret later. I’m certainly not a child anymore, that’s for sure.

What is interesting to note however, is that I’m still me. It’s hard to articulate, but as a kid, I always assumed that the person I would grow into would be a complete stranger, since adulthood was so unfathomable to me at that time, but I’m really not. The Max that lives in my head is the same Max that lived in my head thirty years ago. Sure, I might have learned a thing or two in the intervening years, but I still like building pillow forts, and having nerf-gun battles with my friends, and staying up too late reading, and not eating my vegetables, and being generally naughty. I’m pleased to report that, at thirty, the world is still a magical place, and since I’ve kept that attitude for this long, I’m cautiously optimistic that it will stay with me for at least the next thirty as well.

With that being said, there are certainly distinct differences between child Max and adult Max. With adulthood comes a breadth of new and novel experiences. In my teens I learned how to drive and how to bone everything that moves. In my early twenties I learned all of the essential life lessons that college has to offer, like how to make Dubra drinkable using coffee filters, and how to steal industrial quantities of toilet paper from public restrooms. In my later twenties I learned that no amount of coffee filters makes Dubra drinkable, and that maybe it is not wise to bone everything that moves. My late twenties also brought with them the unavoidable onslaught of friends experiencing various adulting milestones. Careers were started. Homes were bought. And weddings were had. Oh so many weddings. I’ve worn so many tuxedos in the past few years that I don’t even have to show up for fittings at Men’s Warehouse anymore, I just drive slowly past the store on the day of the wedding and they throw my rental tux in through my passenger window. It’s a convenient system, if expensive. Luckily for my wallet, I believe that the glut of weddings has passed its peak. Most everybody I know with even the slightest prospects of marriageability have already done so, and those that remain, well…I think we can safely assume that they’re unlovable cretinous freaks who will die forgotten and alone, their desiccated corpses left to feed their million cats. Or in my case, yard-wolves.

Now that the marriages have passed however, the final threshold to adulthood is upon us. As the prophetic nursery-rhyme “sitting in a tree” accurately predicts – first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.

Oh how right you are mean-spirited playground rhyme. The babies. They come.

Because of their disgusting babies, I now know for a fact that several of my friends have had the sex at least once. It’s proven. They. So. Nasty.

I’ll admit, I’m having a hard time adjusting. Not just because friends that I used to watch snort PCP out of strippers’ butt-holes are now investing in child safety locks for their kitchen cabinets, and buying baby powder in bulk for irritated poop poop fannies. Also because, for the first twenty-something years of my life, the appropriate response to “Max guess what, we’re pregnant!” was “Oh god no. Oh gross. Oh I’m so sorry. Do you guys need me to drive you to planned parenthood? Or the top of a steep flight of stairs? I’ve got like a million coat-hangers in my closet if you need them… or are you just going to accept that your lives are over and you’ll never achieve your dreams or be happy again?”

Now all of a sudden I’m supposed to be all like “Oh neato, congratulations. So excitement. Much happy. Very wow.”

I think not.

Here’s the thing. As a man, my respect for someone is based almost exclusively on the quality of their jokes, the speed they can run a forty yard dash, and the amount of pull-ups they can do in a row. A baby has zero jokes, can’t even run a little, and is incapable of even a single pull-up. Babies are literally the worst people. Babies are even worse than pets, which are useless. Simply put, they’re pieces of shit.

I refuse to debase my tightly held values because your pull-out game weak, and an alien monster grew inside your woman’s belly-hole, and burst out of her in a slimy horror show mess, ruining her front-butt for all time.

Here is a typical human woman experiencing the miracle of childbirth for the first time

Here is a typical human woman experiencing the miracle of childbirth for the first time.

No I do not want to look at pictures of your gross baby. It’s gross. All babies are gross. If your baby was a full-sized human being, but retained its freakish baby proportions, medieval Frenchmen would be chasing it into Notre Dame with pitchforks and flaming torches as it yelled Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Nor do I want to hold your baby. I want your baby to stop shitting itself, get a job and stop being a mooch.

Don’t get me wrong. I myself would like to have babies someday. Hopefully quite a few. My work offers two weeks of paid paternity leave so…yeah, I’d call that worth it. I think that it’s two weeks per pregnancy, so you better believe that’s a loophole I plan on exploiting. I figure if I start getting busy on two week intervals for the next few years with a new partner every time, I can be out on endless paternity leave until it’s time to collect my 401k and retire. It’s the American dream.

I don’t have any special desire to raise, or pay for, or otherwise interact with said babies of course. We’ve been over this, babies are gross. The very idea of me having a daughter is laughable, and I won’t even dignify it with another second of thought. As is my family’s long-standing tradition however, any sons I sire will be released into the wild as infants, and if they survive to adulthood they will have one chance on their 18th birthday to best me in hand to hand combat. If they win, they take my place as head of the household, and get to enter into society. If they lose however, they must remain in the forest until they die, while periodically allowing grainy pictures to be taken of themselves by excitable tourists, to keep the legend of Sasquatch alive. It’s a heavy burden, I know, but it’s a legacy my family has been proud to uphold for centuries.

To recap this absolute train-wreck of a post, which I just re-wrote quickly after accidentally deleting the very insightful and meaningful post I was originally writing tonight…um, yeah, I’m turning thirty soon, it’s not so bad, and babies are gross.

Max Out.

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