So you’re saying you’re a racist.

Posted on August 7, 2016 by Max T Kramer

Let’s talk about privilege. I don’t think that anybody would seriously disagree that an able-bodied person is more privileged in our society than a physically handicapped person. Why would you? It’s fucking common sense. What might that privilege look like? Well, for example, an able-bodied person never has to worry about whether or not a building has a wheelchair ramp, or an elevator, because an able-bodied person can walk up stairs. Since not all buildings have handicap access, that’s a pretty clear case of being disadvantaged if you are physically disabled, and being privileged if you’re physically able. Are you with me so far? Can we fucking agree that being physically able is a form of privilege that not everybody gets to enjoy?

So how about class? Class is another clear indicator of privilege that you’d have to perform some serious mental acrobatics to deny. The richer you are, the more privileged you are. That’s self-evident.Say you want to… I don’t know, buy something, or go on a trip, or go to college, or get a job, or murder a hooker, or do crime and get away with it, or eat an endangered species, or literally fucking anything else. Obviously, OBVIOUSLY, any of these desires are easier to attain if you can throw a shit ton of cash at the problem. Just as obviously, any of these desires will be harder to attain if you don’t have a fucking dime. So yes, class privilege is a thing. Have I lost you yet, or ARE WE STILL IN AGREEMENT?

Now, what if you’re rich, but disabled? Does your class privilege somehow counter act or negate your physical disadvantage? What if you’re poor, but physically fit? Are you no longer privileged by your able-bodied state because you don’t have financial security? Or ::GASP:: can you be both privileged in some ways but disadvantaged in others, because life is fucking complex and convoluted and confusing? Here’s the thing. Privilege exists in many forms, and it is entirely possible to be both privileged and disadvantaged by different things at the same fucking time.

Take me for example. I have really bad eye-sight. That means, when it comes to vision-based activities, I am at a disadvantage. I can admit that because I’m really, really brave and heroic. It also helps that I am privileged in basically every other possible way there is to be privileged. I’m healthy. Anything you can do physically, I can usually do better. I’m young(ish). While death comes for us all, he probably isn’t breathing his nasty-ass graveyard fart breathe over my shoulder quite yet. I’m cis-gendered. So I can use any bathroom with a little dude on the door without worrying about angering some close-minded bigot,because I physically look like that little door dude, and I’m so comfortable in my own body that I can helicopter my dick around my house without feeling anything but pride and humor, and maybe a little bit of physical pain when I accidentally smack said dick against the refrigerator door. I’m straight, so I never have to worry about businesses refusing me service, or a friend, family member, or stranger judging me based solely on who I like to stick my wiener in, at least once it heals from the refrigerator door incident. I’m a guy, which, obviously is pretty cool for me, but sucky for anybody who isn’t a guy, because male privilege is a thing, and feminism exists for a reason.

Oh also, I’m white. and White Privilege is real. And that’s the purpose of this post. For those of you who recognize and acknowledge white privilege, right about now you’re probably thinking hell-yeah brother, preach. And for those of you who perplexingly disavow white privilege, you’re probably thinking oh, fuck this guy, I knew I always hated him, he’s a dumb idiot who isn’t even cool.

First off, I’m SUPER FUCKING COOL, so go fuck yourself you soggy floor noodle. Secondly, how can you even say that white privilege isn’t a thing? What you’re basically saying is “Hello, I’m racist.” If you admit that you’re racist, then okay, that’s that. If you like to think you’re not racist however, but you still really don’t believe that people of color have the short, shitty end of the stick in America, we might be living in different Americas.

We exist in what historically was, and still is, a systemically racist society. All you need to do to prove that is take a quick peek into your nearest jail or prison. The numbers don’t lie. There are EXTREME racial disparities within our criminal justice system. While people of color only make up about 30% of our population, they account for over 60% of inmates. How many white men are incarcerated? Less than 1 in 100. How many black men? 1 in 15. In fact, 1 in 3 black men can expect to go to prison in their lifetimes. One third of fucking black dudes can expect to end up behind bars at some point. What the shit? So how can this be? What is the reason for these crazy statistics?

Well. Either you think that people of color are just more predisposed to crime, that there is something just inherently wrong with them, which does in fact mean that you’re a damned racist, OR you have to admit that there MUST be something wrong with the system itself. The system must benefit whites. Whites must be privileged.

Now, by all means, try to make an argument against those numbers. Try to explain them away as something other than what they are, which would be the result of historic and continuing systemic racism against people of color. Give it a shot. Talk to me about affirmative action and how it makes your white life so unfairly difficult, without doing any research on the hiring practices and socio-economic issues which made and still make affirmative action programs necessary. Regale me with your completely unbiased tales about how the war on drugs isn’t really just a war on race. Tell me, oh, it’s not about race, it’s about money. More poor people end up in prison, and black people in America just so happen to, completely randomly by chance and nothing more, be poor in higher ratios than white people (26% blacks vs 10% whites), and that’s why there’s more black people in prison. Hmm. Okay. But those poverty numbers don’t exist in a vacuum either. Why, if that is your argument, are more black people poor? Is it because they’re just simply not as good at making money, because they’re naturally lazy, or dumb, or whatever racist fucking thing you want to say, although I suggest you don’t say it to me in person because I’ll punch your sternum through your spine, OR, are black Americans at greater risk for being poor because of a complicated system of social and economic factors that basically amount to the fact that we once exploited them as fucking slave labor, and the effects of that don’t disappear overnight, and our society remains racist as fucking fuck? I mean, black people weren’t even guaranteed the right to vote until 1965. There are congressmen STILL SERVING who were voted in to their positions before black people were allowed to vote. I’m not saying that they’re responsible for racist policies, I’m just stating a possibly pertinent tidbit of fact. We went to war with Britain over a minuscule tax on tea because we weren’t properly represented in British parliament when it came time to make the tea taxing decision.  And yet we wonder why movements like Black Lives Matter have such anger and vitriol over something minor like hundreds of years of oppression.

If you’re white, and you really believe that your whiteness doesn’t contribute in ANY WAY to your privilege in our society, then you’ve clearly never been pulled over just for DWB. Your parents have never had to have “the talk” with you about law enforcement. If you’re white, and you don’t understand why passionate movements like Black Lives Matter exist, then you clearly really don’t think black lives matter.

It’s like the All Bones Matter meme from twitter. Disagreeing with Black Lives Matter and countering with All Lives Matter is like having a broken fucking arm, and saying wait, All Bones Matter! Yeah, all bones matter, but MAYBE WE SHOULD FOCUS ON THE FUCKING BROKEN ARM RIGHT NOW.

I don’t know how else to say this. I’m white. I certainly don’t feel guilty for being white. I love being white. It’s pretty awesome.I just think that too many white people are hearing their black friends and neighbors say hey, something’s fishy here, something’s not right, and instead of listening to them, they’re going nope, your experiences are invalid, you’re wrong, shut up, shut up, shut up.

You can be white and experience various disadvantages. You can be black, and experience various advantages. Hell, you can even be a gun-toting, fiscally conservative, pro-law enforcement, pro-military, pro-women, pro-LGBT, pro-choice, pro-People of Color, white, middle class, mother fucking Champ from Connecticut who admits that one of his many privileges is white privilege because he’s not a racist dingbat. Life is complicated like that. Simply put, at the end of the day, your whiteness is more likely to be an advantage, and your blackness a disadvantage, in the fucked up, mixed up, muddled up world we live in here in America. That’s called white privilege.

white-priv

 

Posted in Max's Journal | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

house.

Posted on June 20, 2016 by Max T Kramer

I did a thing. I bought a house.

house

There she is. A little 1300 square foot Cape on the edge of the woods in South Windsor. My own little slice of the American dream. How did I achieve this milestone of successful adulting when so many of my peers are still languishing in their parent’s basements, crushed under a mountainous burden of student loan debt, and broken dreams?

Naturally, I cheated.

The reasons I was able to afford this little piece of paradise are threefold:

  1. I don’t drink coffee. You can accept this statement at face value. I really don’t drink coffee, caffeine does nothing for me, and I think it tastes like a handful of beach sand scraped from the butt crack of a nudist hobo. You can also accept this statement as a clever metaphor for the fact that I just don’t buy stuff. I generally avoid all the little expenses that most people accumulate throughout the day, like snacks, drinks, cigarettes, chewing gum, herpes medicine, Plan B,  you know, all the tiny impulse buys that most people indulge in on a near constant basis. This is partially because I’m not a wild beast and I have self discipline, and mostly because I don’t really like to eat or drink, I find both activities to be a boring and joyless chore, so by default my bank account isn’t hemorrhaging a constant trickle of small bills on little crap. At the end of the year, all those dollars and cents saved add up to a not-insignificant amount of extra money.
  2. I’ve always had cheap places to live. I’ve lived alone exactly once in my life, and that was briefly. Other than that short stint as a crazy desert hermit, I’ve always lived in a friendship-house, bro-house, pack-as-many-roommates-as-you-can-under-one-roof-to-share-rent-a-million-ways, type situation. The cheapest my rent has dropped in the past ten years was $280/month, and the highest was a lofty $400/month. So obviously, I’ve had dirt cheap housing for a long time. (Cheap, financially speaking. I’m sure the appalling lack of privacy during that entire time has had a significant impact on my overall psyche.) While this worked fine for me because I’m willing to undergo severe inconvenience for the sake of a humorous joke, not everyone is willing or able to live for over a decade with three or more roommates to keep living costs low. But I was, so during that time I was able to save a respectable amount of money.
  3. I don’t have student loans.

That third one. That’s the big one, isn’t it. I have friends with upwards of $200k in student loan debt, for an undergraduate degree. Bro. Come on. That’s the cost of a nice house. How can you be expected to pay a mortgage on a nice house, when you’re already paying a mortgage’s worth of payments every month on your financed education costs? Now, is that a stupid amount of debt, that the debtor should really have thought twice or three or four times about, before enrolling in that costly of a higher education? Yes. Obviously. But is it also wrong that education can even cost that much to begin with? Also yes. A thousand times yes.

Before you draw the wrong conclusions, don’t think too highly of me for not having crippling student loans. I was able to pay cash for school, not just, like I usually say, because I worked full time throughout, but really because my dad was killed at work, and I received a large amount of money in the settlement. So that’s all it takes to afford college in America these days. A conveniently timed horrifyingly violent tragedy.

Here is where it all went wrong. Our grandparents probably didn’t go to college. After World War II, The United States became a powerhouse of manufacturing, innovation, and financial prosperity. Our grandparents were able to buy a house, a car, raise children, go on periodic vacations, spend a little something on their mistresses, all on a single salary blue collar income. They were ALSO able to send their children to college, which they did, because they naturally wanted an even better life for their beloved offspring. Their children, our parents, were raised in a time when higher education was a beneficial, and attainable expense. As the economic landscape of America changed, they saw a real increase in pay scales depending on whether they had a degree or not. Added on top of this, all of their parents (our grandparents) began retiring right around the time they were graduating, because pensions were a thing back then, and retirement was possible, thus opening up a whole new slew of jobs for young professionals just beginning their own careers.

Then we came along. We were the first generation raised by parents who mostly all went to college. They didn’t know any other way. As far as they knew, college was as necessary as nutritious food to their children’s health and wellness. So that’s what we were taught. You go to elementary school. You go to middle school. You go to high school. You go to college. You study hard and obey your teachers throughout. Then when you graduate, you get a good job, buy a house, start a family, and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that was just a pleasant fantasy.

Here’s how it actually worked out: You go to elementary school. You go to middle school. You go to high school. You go to college. You study hard and obey your teachers throughout. Then when you graduate, you don’t get a job at all, because your parents and grandparents have ruined the economy with their shortsighted greed. Also, you have a MASSIVE amount of debt, because the cost of college has skyrocketed by a billion percent, WAY beyond any reasonable or acceptable levels. In all honesty, most of us shouldn’t have gone to college at all because it’s so unforgivably expensive. But what did we know? We were just stupid kids who were told our entire lives that college was the only pathway to success and happiness. So we signed up gleefully, and applied for student loans ecstatically, and watched our future financial well-being crumble away to dust for Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae with dumb, stupid, vacuous grins on our faces.

Then when we couldn’t find high paying jobs right out of school, our parents had the audacity, the cruelty, to point at us and go hey, this is your fault! Back when I was your age, I worked hard! I paid for college by working part time as a dishwasher, and then when I graduated, I got a good job! Forgetting of course that their own parents had all been retiring around that time, because retirement was a thing remember, thus opening up the job market to new employees. So now our parents, who refuse to retire, because they don’t have pensions, and they lost all of their savings when they got greedy during the sub-prime mortgage housing bubble, are wondering why we can’t seem to find jobs. It’s because you already have all the jobs you silly twats.

Additionally, College costs just ain’t what they used to be.

Let’s do some simple mathematical comparisons. Most of our parents were probably in college in 1981. Let’s use UConn, because that is where I went to school, and it’s a fairly prestigious State School, so it’s more expensive than some other State Schools, but way less expensive than most Private institutions.

In 1981, the cost of a year at UConn for In-State tuition and room and board was $3,346. In 2016 dollars, adjusted for inflation, that’s $8,807.12.

In 2016, the cost of a year at UConn for In-State tuition and room and board was $27,630. So College costs over three times as much money now.

That’s only part of the equation however. To really see the difference, we need to look at incomes between the two years as well. Let’s use minimum wage, because that’s what most high school and college students can be expected to be making. In 1981, the federal minimum wage was $3.35/hour. That seems low, but if you adjust for inflation and convert that to 2016 dollars, that’s actually $8.29/hour. Currently, the federal minimum wage is $7.25. So it’s actually effectively over a dollar LESS than what it was in 1981.

Hmm. A dollar less per hour, and college costs have tripled. Wait…that..that’s bad. That means that, while our parents could conceivably “work hard”, get a part time job, and pay for college, it’s literally impossible to do so now. Our parents would have to work 2.9 hours a day, every single day during the year to pay for their annual tuition. That’s doable. Working 365 days a year would suck, but 3 hours a day does leave time for, you know, sleep, and school, that thing you’re paying for.

A current 2016 student would have to work 10.4 hours a day, every single day during the year to pay for their annual tuition. Leaving, well, not nearly enough time to actually go to the school they’re paying for, and study, and sleep, and eat, and do all those other inconvenient time wasting things they’re always doing.

So what have we learned?

  1. College is fucking expensive now. It shouldn’t be. A lot of those extra costs go to administrator bonuses, not back into the actual education.
  2. I was able to buy this lovely home without being destroyed by student loan debt because of a devious mixture of low animal cunning, frugal and responsible living, and mind-boggling personal tragedy. This is not a life path I suggest for anybody else.
  3. Student loans suck mega horse dick. Most people are stuck with them, and it’s literally ruining their futures. To say those people shouldn’t have gone to college however, is wrong. While there are certainly thousands that should have gone to trade school, technical school, or gotten a job out of high school to better their financial situation, that should not be a necessity. College should be more affordable. It simply needs to be more attainable to a greater number of people for the good, and I don’t exaggerate here, of the entire fucking world . Don’t you see that while a philosophy major, or a drama major, or an art major, or any number of other liberal arts majors can’t realistically expect to have high paying jobs waiting for them upon graduation, we still need those people to study those things. Not everybody can be an engineer, or a doctor, or an accountant, or a financial analyst. But college can’t be just for those high earning career type courses of study. People need to be free to learn and study whatever they are passionate about. Life isn’t all about making money. Think about it like this. We don’t remember the ancient Greeks for their efficient accountants. We remember them for their beautiful sculptures, their philosophies, their..liberal arts.
Posted in Max's Journal | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The hypocrisy of hope

Posted on May 2, 2016 by Max T Kramer

It’s not easy being me.

I mean, as an educated, healthy, wealthy, handsome, white, cis-gendered, heterosexual male, with ready access to nutritious food, luxurious shelter, fulfilling and lucrative employment, abundant recreation, and unwavering support from friends and loved ones, I guess, technically, it is literally the easiest to be me. But for the sake of argument, it’s not easy being me.

The issue you see, is that I read too many books as a child. It has ruined me.

I grew up in a rich, rural town, the type of strangely anachronistic place that Trump probably has wet dreams about, where people don’t see color because all of your neighbors are white, dairy cows outnumber people, and the local high-school’s student parking lot looks like a high-end car dealership. And not used-cars, either. It was a town where dads were either wall-street bankers, or farmers, and the bankers were millionaires, but the farmers were billionaires. Don’t get me wrong, there was poverty of course. Some families didn’t have summer homes in the Hamptons, and wouldn’t even winter in the tropics, if you can believe it. My own family, in a particularly lean year, had to sell our airplane AND the Porsche. Hardships abounded.

This was the type of town where differences weren’t persecuted, but they weren’t necessarily tolerated either, and they certainly weren’t celebrated. They were instead steadfastly ignored, and whenever possible, sublimated through the judicious application of designer pharmaceuticals. The place is a sealed time-capsule, to a time that never actually existed, where everyone was happy, and everyone was special, and everyone was gifted, and everyone was white, and everyone was right.

Coming from this Stepford Wifey, cultish, Wayward Pines type idyll, I should be a close-minded, racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, sociopathic, elitist snob. Now, there are certainly times when I, like anybody, give in to my baser instincts and embrace my inner sociopath, but for the most part, I didn’t turn out like any of that at all. In part, this is because I left, went away to school, traveled as much as possible, and generally diversified my worldview through exposure to and immersion in other, less disgustingly masturbatory cultures and communities, but honestly even that wouldn’t have been enough, if I hadn’t been an avid reader of fantasy and science-fiction as a child.

The thing about Fantasy and Science Fiction, is that both genres allow anything to be possible, and when written well, even plausible. To the understandably sheltered worldview of a child whose parent’s estate was so remote that he had no visible neighbors, these fictional worlds were a blessing and an education.

Thanks to the anthropomorphic writings of Brian Jacques, I learned that even incredibly different looking people can live and love and work together in relative harmony. In current popular culture, I can see marginalized subgroups like Furries or Otherkin, and say ehh, it’s been done before. Thanks to Tolkien, I learned that even the least physically imposing among us can harbor hidden strength. That helps curtail my ableist tendencies, and to recognize an additional facet of my overwhelming privilege, that the world we live in is simply more accessible to people with my physical health and abilities. Thanks to countless Science Fiction authors, like Heinlein, Azimov, or even the Connecticut local, Elizabeth Bear,who introduced NB pronouns like Sie or Zi into my lexicon, I learned to think beyond the traditional hetero-normative gender binary, and open my mind to the fascinating, diverse, and beautiful breadth of humanity’s capacity for love in all it’s exciting iterations. From Steven Erikson, I realized that just because the world I reside in is sexist, I don’t need to reflect that in my work, and I can help change the narrative by writing strong female characters into my stories, not as exceptions to the rule, but as simple, canonical fact. From Zelazny, I learned that weird is good, and jerks make the best protagonists. Fantasy and Science Fiction both allow the author to create entire universes fresh, universes where our own foibles and faults and follies can be alternately focused on, forgotten, or twisted on end. They allow us to speculate, and think differently, to learn and grow, to escape from our mundane existence into worlds where different cultures exist and  different rules apply. The result is that we are forced to then reflect on our own world, which makes us think, what if things were different? What if they were better? For the most part, I find these genres to be incredibly optimistic, even if individual stories within can be violent, dark, and brutal.

As far as modern science can ascertain, we appear to be completely alone in the Universe, but as Arthur C. Clarke famously penned, two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe, or we are not. According to Clarke, both are equally terrifying. Of course, if Lovecraft was right, NOT being alone would be far, far worse.

So you see, therein lies the crux of my emotional turmoil. By the circumstances of my birth, I should practically be a Hitler Youth, unassailable in my confidence that this world was created specifically to cater to the various whims of myself and people exactly like me. After all, if different people were meant to be in charge, wouldn’t they be? By virtue of being on top, haven’t us straight white males empirically proven that we deserve to be on top? I Should be like that, but I’m not. You know what I would say to an idiot who thought like that? Read a fucking book, you piece of fungal jelly. And Mein fucking Kampf doesn’t count.

Thanks in part to the depth of my immersion into the other worlds created by the many fantasy and science fiction books I read, I was luckily able to escape the fate of being a complete asshole, and instead grew up with a more open-minded and open-hearted world view, as well as a powerful curiosity. Which would be great if I wasn’t a nihilist.

Unfortunately, my curiosity is tempered by the niggling suspicion that the entirety of human endeavor is comically insignificant on a cosmic scale, nothing matters, everything is pointless, nobody is special, and eventually we’re all going to die. If we’re lucky. The alternative of course being much more horrifying. So I say this to you my friends and family, I say this to you internet SJWs, I say this to you feminists, I say this to you He-man woman-haters, equal rights activists, equal lefts activists, the religious right, the liberal left, to hipsters, and hippies, The New York Jets, and every human who ever is, was, or will be, I say this with all the love in my little Grinch heart: You are nothing.

Rejoice.

‘Ph’nglui mglw’nafh CthulhuR’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

morty

 

 

Posted in Max's Journal | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why joint Facebook accounts are Dumb and not even Cool.

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Max T Kramer

If you’re over 200 years old, and you’ve been married to your spouse for so long that you were already a couple when Otto von Bismarck was chancellor of Germany, and you have the combined computer knowledge of a penicillin fungi, a joint Facebook account with your wrinkled prune of a lover is adorable.

If you’re not older than the wireless telegraph however, and can type on a keyboard with more than just your pointer fingers, having a joint Facebook account with your significant other is literally the creepiest thing you can possibly do with your life. And this is assuming you do a lot of creepy shit already. Which you must, if you have a joint Facebook account.

jointaccounts

Here is what I assume BobandLinda Dickcheese are thinking when they set up their joint account: 9/11 was an inside job! I love my schnookums and the world NEEDS TO KNOW. I can’t believe Betty White is dead! Thanks OBAMA. Two passwords is too many to remember. If this pic gets a million “likes” Jesus will save a child in Africa. Vote Trump 2016!

FYI BobandLinda, here is what the rest of the world is thinking when they see your profile, since you can just as easily mark your individual pages with “in a relationship” without being unnecessarily creepy: “I wonder who cheated” and/or “I wonder which one viciously beats the other.”

This is because a joint Facebook account doesn’t scream, “we like to share everything because we’re just so close,” it screams “our relationship is a dangerously toxic mountain of mistrust, jealousy, and violent control.” Besides the obviously unhealthy Stepford Wives meets Charles Manson level of abuse present, there are numerous practical reasons why having a joint account is a foolish decision.

  1. You can’t hide anything from your partner. If you’re using social media, especially Facebook, to cheat on your spouse, you’re doing it wrong. Go to the convenience store, get a prepaid burner cell phone with a different number, leave it at the office where your wife can’t find it, and text dick pics to your secretary to your heart’s content. Also don’t save numbers in that phone, just memorize them. Don’t do your adulterous chicanery with the Facebook account that you leave logged in on your home desktop for Christ’s sake. What is this, amateur hour? No, you want to use your individual Facebook account for GOOD secrets. Like setting up a surprise party for your beloved. Or getting Christmas present advice from your spouse’s mom. Or getting medical advice about that weird recurring rash on your rectum from your doctor neighbor. You know, things that your spouse is really better off not knowing about.
  2. You’re supposed to have separate interests from your partner. Maybe you want to go on a “liking” spree for bird-watching pages. Maybe your spouse is obsessed with club-style Dyna motorcycles. Maybe you hate motorcycles, and he/she hates birds. That’s okay. That’s normal. That’s why you have separate accounts, you gargantuan nincompoops. So you can like your stupid asinine bullshit without annoying anybody else.
  3. You’re supposed to have separate friends from your partner. Obviously, most of your friends will be shared, especially if you’ve been together a long time. But maybe your husband doesn’t need to see  that Carla, your freshman year roommate, had another baby on his news feed, and maybe you don’t need to see that Chad, his childhood barber cut off his finger in a tragic barbering accident. If you don’t give a shit about Carla or Chad, congratulations, now you know how literally everybody else in the world feels about your stupid relationship. They don’t fucking care. So stop shoving it down their throats with your creepy joint account you sweaty bridge troll.
  4. You’re supposed to have a distinct, individual social media presence. This is your own specific brand, and it is actually very important. Employers look at it. Law enforcement looks at it. Everybody fucking looks at it. Would you apply for a job with your spouse’s name on the resume? Of course not. Well, your online profiles are just as much a part of that resume as the word document you upload to your potential employer’s HR website. 27 out of 27 employers surveyed said that if they find a joint Facebook account, they will immediately reject your application, and probably key your car.
  5. Your joint account screams insecurity with the strength of ten thousand sirens. Do you know what I think when I see a babe with a joint Facebook account? I don’t think, oh no, she’s in love, I’d better respect her and her husband’s clearly strong, healthy, nurturing, and fulfilling relationship! No…no no. What I think, and what every other person in the world thinks is Behold! Therein lies a struggling relationship, weakened by deep-seated emotional issues. Now is the time to strike! So really, by over-proclaiming your co-dependence, you’re actually making yourself a target. Burglars don’t break into your house through the strongest brick wall, they come in to steal your treasures through the already broken window. Your joint Facebook account is that broken window.
  6. You don’t do EVERYTHING together. Your social media is supposed to reflect YOU. You are not BobandLinda. You are Bob. Or you are Linda. Separate. Unless you’re some sort of unholy conjoined amorphous meat-blob, you should really retain a certain level of independent thought and activity from your partner. Some couples are super close and comfortable with each other. Like, so close that one person might brush their teeth in the bathroom while the other is pooping. That’s okay. Unsanitary, but okay. Those people still have separate Facebook accounts. I can only imagine that the troglodytes with joint Facebook accounts not only share the bathroom while pooping, but also show each other their toilet paper after each wipe.
Clevemire

Photo of a typical couple with a joint Facebook account 

Is that who you are? Are you a person who shows their partner your shitty toilet paper? No, I didn’t think you were. So for the love of all the Gods, please delete your joint Facebook account immediately and stop being such a colossal stooge.

Posted in Max's Journal | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

2016 Political Post 3 – Feeling the Bern

Posted on February 11, 2016 by Max T Kramer

Alright turds, break out your trapper-keepers and gel pens, because it’s time to go to school. The American presidential race continues to heat up like bare thighs on a leather sofa, and there’s no shortage of editorial opinion pieces available on radio, TV, and the internets. I’m sure you’ve already heard/seen/read a million billion things that support your particular favorite candidate, because you made a decision, and then you sought out content which supports your already formulated opinion, while ignoring any inconvenient literature which might force you to re-evaluate your closely held arbitrary beliefs. And don’t lie to me, you fucking know you do it too you lazy sperm satchels.

Now, me, I’m not a joiner. I’ve never been a gung-ho crusader for anything except the giving and receiving of tasteful nudes on Snapchat. I wouldn’t say that I’m willfully disagreeable, but I do enjoy playing the role of Devil’s Advocate in opposition to anybody else’s expressed opinions. I really, really do. So, as this election season approached, I assumed I would simply listen to everybody else’s ranting and raving with amused detachment and a sickeningly superior sneer. After all, I knew that the vote didn’t really matter, and never would, since the system is so flawed as to render us regular people completely meaningless. Much to my surprise however, I find myself, against my will, being swept up with something approaching enthusiasm, and dare I say, cautious optimism.

All because of a wispy-haired disgruntled grandpa from Vermont. I grudgingly admit it. I’m feeling the Bern.

So why am I, a cynical and distrusting millennial, alongside millions of my peers, rooting for the Sand man? Oh, let me count the ways.

First off, who is Bernie Sanders anyway? He’s a cranky Democratic Socialist senator from Vermont, who has had it up to here with the rotten state of established politics in Washington, and he’s ready for a social revolution. Who would even vote for such a silly little man? Well, who votes for anybody?

Republican voters vote Republican because they are either:

a) Rich penny pinchers who don’t want the government to even look at their hoarded treasures, let alone regulate how it is that they may make their wealth, but who are still happy to spend Federal funds on a big swinging dick military, and corporate welfare, just not on human welfare. It must be nice never having needed, or known anybody that needed government assistance like unemployment, or SNAP, or medical benefits. I mean, if you’ve ever used those programs, and still vote Republican, what a strangely hypocritical world you live in.

If you’re not richie-riches, and you’re with the GOP, you’re likely-

b) Poor people who are too dumb to realize that they’re voting against their best interests. Usually because they’re religious, and the GOP is the “religious” political party, in that they hate gay people and women. So, a poor person who is anti-abortion will likely vote Republican because they are ostensibly “pro-life”, even though the Republican party is against funding family planning centers like Planned Parenthood, whose services actually decrease the need for abortions by providing contraceptives and education to the horny young people who need them most. The GOP is also anti-women’s reproductive independence, because rich old white men in DC definitely know what’s best for your, your sister’s, or your best friend’s tasty female body. The Republican party’s motto on the subject is literally “You can’t have abortions, but you also can’t do anything to safely avoid needing abortions. You’re fucked mate.”.

(As an aside, here’s an idea for “pro-lifers”. If you’re enthusiastically pro-life, you should have to sign up for a registry. Then, when all of these unfortunate women who are forced to have unwanted babies against their wishes because of your bullying have babies, they can give them up to be placed in randomly selected pro-lifer homes, even if it’s against the pro-lifer’s wishes. It’s the perfect solution! Or…OR, you can realize what the rest of us realized long ago, that what happens in one woman’s body is nobody else’s damn business, and safely getting rid of an unwanted fertilized egg is much better for the woman, and probably the fertilized egg, AND society at large, than creating another unwanted baby who will grow up into an unwanted adult who will inevitably lure you behind a McDonalds dumpster by offering to suck your dick for Meth money, and then knock you out and steal your kidneys.)

So who, if Republicans are so greedy and stupid, are the Democrats? Democrats are other people who are not Republicans, but who are equally as greedy and stupid. Democrats represent the whiny unwashed masses, the corrupt unions, the lazy unemployed, seeking free handouts with grasping hands and crusty lips. They’re also the majority of young people, partially because most young people have not yet made enough money, especially in our current economy, to despise the idea of a safety net. They’ve also not yet grown so cynical  that they wish to hoard their personal wealth at the cost of other people’s well-being. Mostly however, young people are less likely to be Republican because they are idealistic, hopeful, and much more passionate about social justice than older generations.

Why then, if young people are more inclined to be Democrat anyway, are they not flocking to the banner of the Democratic juggernaut that is Hillary Rodham Clinton? Why do they love goofy old Bernie Sanders so much? It’s because, truthfully, they hate the Democratic party as well. While it might not be as egregiously loathsome to them as the Republican party, it’s still a disgusting example of the entrenched political system. The once powerful middle class of America is decreasing like a Native America tribe who just received a stack of plague blankets from Spanish missionaries, and both Republicans and Democrats are equally to blame. The entire governmental system is to blame. Hillary, unlike Bernie, is both of and for the Status Quo. Her entire platform is basically, “idealism is dumb, the system cannot be changed, the government is going to keep fucking you in the ass, but if you vote for me I’ll try to get them to lube up first.”

Bernie Sanders on the other hand is saying protect your anus, Fuck The System. He has the audacity to say that things aren’t right, and it’s time to fix it. Let me tell you, millennials are eating that up like cocaine flavored funfetti cake. And why shouldn’t we be? We didn’t fuck this Country up. We didn’t make all these problems. We’re just the ones who are going to be stuck inheriting them. Our parents and grandparents may be okay with the established system, but then again, their lives are already practically over, so they’re just trying to ride out the Status Quo until they can retire to Florida and hit manatees with speedboats.

So who is voting for Bernie? Anybody on the outside of the established system. Anybody who might benefit from a new normal. Who does that include? It’s a long list. People of color. Women. Immigrants. Working class. Middle class. And us, the youth of America. We’re inheriting our parents debt, their wars, their climate change, their economy, and we’ve decided enough is enough. They’re out of time. The dumb bastards blew it, and now it’s our turn. We’re no longer content working within a system that has shit on us at every step.

We’re going to stand by our ideals, and vote based on our consciences.

I know what the criticisms of this attitude are. Conservative and even moderate politicians are saying “you can’t fight the power you fools.” You see, the thing is, we can though. Once upon a time, the power in America was with the people, and we can take it back.

“But even if Bernie wins, he can’t actually enact any of his proposed legislation. He can’t make real changes.” You’re right, not with the greedy, corrupt, immature, narcissistic, arrogant Congress we have now. But just because our current state representatives are tragically uncooperative, that doesn’t mean we’ll always have a deadlock. Congresses change too. We won’t be done voting with just the Presidential election. We’ll be voting on our representatives at all levels of government for years to come. And the thing is, while you’re all slowly dying of old age, our numbers will only be increasing.

“Okay, okay, but what if Bernie gives you what he’s promising? You’ll never pay for it you dumb stupid idiot Dummies.” I…disagree. Will universal healthcare, free education, updated infrastructure, etc cost money? Yes, of course. Is it money WORTH spending? Yeah. Yeah it is. So where might this money come from? Well, some will come from you and I of course. A lot will come from increased taxes on corporations and the mega-rich. And more can come from spending cuts in other areas of the federal budget.

These aren’t even preposterous goals with wildly unattainable financial thresholds. Do you know what free four year public college is estimated to cost American taxpayers if it’s enacted? Like $250 per YEAR. I’ve spent more than that on one night out drinking. That’s about 70 cents a day.

And why are the mega-rich complaining so hard about increased tax rates? What are they really going to lose? I mean, really? What’s with the obsessive compulsion to accumulate more wealth? Are we secretly all just dragons, hoping to plunder the Dwarven mines of Erebor for a stack of shiny baubles to slumber upon in reptilian bliss? Beyond a certain, and surprisingly low point, wealth accumulation no longer makes sense. There comes a point where you can’t possibly spend it all. Studies show that day to day happiness no longer increases after your income exceeds $70-100k a year. If you’re no longer getting happier…what’s the point?

Donald Trump, by comparison, makes almost $700,000 PER DAY. But you’re right, he couldn’t possibly afford to pay any more taxes. He’d be ruined.

Look, the super-rich’s finances aren’t like yours or mine. When someone has billions in the bank, that hoarded money is benefiting nobody, not even the owner of the wealth. It’s just sitting. A small portion of those funds might as well be used for admirable things. If you can pay a little extra to help pave a road, or pay for a medical procedure, or send a kid to school, and you have so much money that you literally would not notice that extra bit missing except as a number on a bank statement that still has a lot of zeroes attached, why wouldn’t you want to spend the money? Put it to better use than just paying hush money when little Susie kills someone while high on designer drugs and driving the brand new Bugatti Veyron you bought her for her super sweet sixteen.

And we don’t just have to dig a little deeper into our pockets, or fleece the disgustingly wealthy of some of their ill-gotten gains. We can also move some money around that we’re already paying. Let’s see where our tax dollars are going currently:

 

Now, some common sense savings would occur as a direct result of enacting things like free education. The government already pays billions in Pell grants and financial aid to college students. If college becomes free…nobody will need those grants. Boom, the government is already saving billions. Additionally, education, especially provided to disenfranchised segments of society who didn’t have the financial resources to obtain it previously, will do a LOT to lower crime, and decrease overcrowding in our federal prisons. Are you familiar at all with our current prison system? That’s another place where billions are being spent, without any real return on the investment. We’re not rehabilitating anybody with our current system. Instead we’re sending in kids, and sending out monstrous adults. The government currently spends more money on prosecuting kids for drug charges, and then imprisoning them, than it spends on affordable public housing to help underprivileged citizens actually improve their situations. Fantastic priorities.

Regarding welfare programs, like the SNAP food stamps system, which is buried in that tiny blue 1% slice above, we can actually expand benefits, but still save money by making obtaining them more difficult. If you’re looking for government handouts, you should be expected to submit to drug screenings, and if you’re able-bodied, you should need to work, obtain work training, or perform community service. I don’t think that’s asking too much. You need some help making ends meet at the end of the day? We’re here for you. We’re all in this together after all. You want free shit for nothing? Go fuck yourself you fucking fuck.

And then there’s the big one. The Big Not-So-Friendly Giant. Our military.

Currently, over half of ALL of our tax dollars go to the military. And yet people rarely complain about our grossly over-inflated military budget. Why is this? Do you really think that we don’t have more than enough resources to protect the United States as it is? This is America! Every civilian household has 83.2 guns. Even if we had zero military, we’d be a hard nut to crack. The United States currently spends more per year than the next seven highest spending countries in the world. Most of whom are our allies!

 

To put this in perspective, Iran, who isn’t even listed above, and hasn’t invaded another country in hundreds of years, is portrayed as one of our most dangerous enemies. Their annual military budget? Less than $5 billion. Same with North Korea.

The United States military spends over $5 billion annually just on child care and recreation programs for our troops.

Here’s the thing. If we reined in our profligate military spending to a less absurd level, say 25% of our tax dollars instead of over 50%, that’s still a larger percentage, and larger dollar amount than any other country. If we lessened over seas deployments, and focused just on defending our homeland, instead of aggressively pursuing  interests abroad, I believe you’ll find we could safely decrease our military spending even more, because we’ll have less boots on the ground, and honestly, we’ll have fewer enemies. Not to mention, all this military hardware has to go somewhere. Overproduction of guns and tanks and bombs and planes and whatnot is dangerous. If it exists, there’s a good chance that eventually it will end up being used against us by our enemies. If we cut our military spending in half, we could enact free healthcare, free schooling, and a half dozen other helpful programs domestically, and still have money left over. Our taxes would actually decrease. Now, this isn’t easily done. I under stand that. A lot of our military spending happens simply because it’s expensive to be an American. For example, we may pay an average grunt soldier $18k a year. That’s not a lot of money by any American standards. China on the other hand can have that same soldier for less than $4k a year. So every one of our soldiers costs the same as 5 Chinese troops. That’s a hurdle, no doubt about it. But that doesn’t make up for hideously overpriced boondoggles like the F-35 fighter program, or the fact that we have an M1-A1/2 Abrams tank factory cranking out tanks that are just sitting in the Arizona desert rotting because we don’t actually need them. Ultimately, the US military can and should and must tighten its belt, for the good of us all.

Now, I like my money. Don’t get me wrong. I like buying cool stuff, and living the American dream. What I don’t like, is seeing that dream become more and more and more and more unobtainable for 98% if Americans while the top 2% buy off the government and sip cognac in their winter cabins as they prepare to hunt the most dangerous game of all, their fellow man, with impunity.

The current system is fucked, and we millennials have had enough. We’re ready for a revolution, and the thing about revolutions is, sometimes you’ve just got to watch the world Bern.

Bernie

 

 

Posted in Max's Journal | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment