You know how sometimes you experience something, and whatever that thing is, it strikes such a chord that it seems to reverberate through your whole being, and you can’t help but thinking, well, my world is never going to be the same again.

I experienced that this morning. I was taking my sweet time getting out of bed, flipping through tv channels and trying to summon the motivation to go log some overtime at the office, if only to spend it watching porn on the high-speed internet there, when I came across the movie Sky High being aired on ABC family. It’s a well documented fact that I can’t say no to watching Sky High, so that took up a small chunk of my morning.

Right after the movie ended, ABC family cut from its standard programming to one of those breaking news segments they always interrupt tv programs with in movies. I didn’t know they actually did that in real life.

Regardless of how inappropriate I think it is to insert an emergency news bulletin into a saturday morning children’s program, especially considering that the news subject matter was decidedly grim, this was a novel experience for me, so you know damn well I paid attention.

I kid you not. The news brief was about zombies. Really, zombies. Of course, they didn’t say the word zombie, or make any mention to the restless undead, but it wasn’t too hard to read between the lines. I guess there have been some sort of “riots” in one of those depressing old soviet block satellite countries, you know the ones with the names that are impossible to pronounce. It’s some sort of civil unrest stemming from an unprecedented viral outbreak. What does that sound like to you? Yeah, me too.


That’s about when I felt that “the world has just irrevocably changed” feeling I told you about earlier. I can’t say it was an entirely unpleasant feeling. It was kind of one of those I told you so moments. I’ll admit I expected the zombie apocalypse to start right here in the good old U S of A, or at least in Asia somewhere, but I guess in retrospect Eastern Europe fits the mold too. I mean, have you ever seen those people. They pretty much all look like the walking dead after age 15 anyway. (But until then, the chicks…damn) (You know what i’m talking about) (Like really, they all look like super models until their sixteenth birthdays, then they turn into trolls) (Why do they age so poorly? It probably has something to do with the Chernobyl flavored water.) I dunno.

In any case, check CNN or something. Zombies. In Eastern Europe. Right now. Don’t panic, we probably have a couple weeks, maybe even a couple months before this reaches epidemic proportions. It’s winter now, that works in our favor. Even undead tissue freezes solid in the cold. I implore you to take this brief respite however, and use it to make some plans, just in case.

Do I think a ravenous walking corpse is going to show up in my living room anytime soon? No, but do I have a plan for if that does happen? You bet I do.

If it’s just one moldering home invader, thats easy. I could probably do him in with a golf club or something. If it’s a couple, well, lets hope I can get to the attic. Then I play the waiting game. Eventually one of my roomates is going to come home, walk through the front door, and, unfortunately, be eaten. I’ve come to terms with that, and I will be ready to use that distraction to get down to the garage, load my bicycle (mountain, not bmx, although doing sweet tricks as I fled the infestation would be sweeeeeet) into the back of my truck and peace the F out of there.

After that, it’s a three day drive back to Oregon. Or, if I have to resort to using the bike, three months or something. Central Oregon is isolated, protected by mountains, and a lot of people have guns there. Blam-oh. Survival. You can come with me if you’d like.

Remember, i’m not saying this is going to happen. And the news technically didn’t use the Z word either. But it’s good to be prepared.

Write that down.

About Max T Kramer

Max has been better than you at writing since the third grade. He currently lives in Connecticut, but will someday return to the desert.
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