Animals is food

I would appreciate if someone could give me a rational explanation for the existence of pets. There are many reasons why owning certain animals can be beneficial. Potentially, they can produce a valuable product, like wool, or milk. Possibly, they can be used for protection, or in the hunting of other animals. Periodically they can provide a means of transportation. Most importantly however, they are delicious, and when their other feasible value has been depleted, you can slaughter and eat them. Preferably on a grill. Smothered in various sauces and spices.

So animals are good, when kept as assets which hold definite value, and continue to create wealth derived from either their produce or services. Guard dogs are great. Barn cats who hunt mice are great. These are useful animals. They are not pets. They don’t have names, you don’t have to spend money on them, and when they die you are happy because you get to poke their gross bloated corpses with a stick, and that’s fun. Pets, on the other hand contribute nothing of value, and are therefore a wasteful habit, as loathsome as smoking cigarettes, or chronic masturbation.

But Max, you will probably argue, Pets are worthwhile because they are wonderful friends and companions. WRONG. wrong. FRIENDS are wonderful friends. Pets are stupid animals, who can contribute nothing to your life but frustration and financial ruin. When you are with actual friends, you can engage in witty repartee and stimulating conversation. Pets on the other hand have no idea what you are talking about, don’t care, and only produce obnoxious loud stupid noises which are the worst thing ever. Who likes a barking dog, a mewling cat, or the mindless squawk of a shit bird? NOBODY. Not even other dogs, cats, or shit birds.

When you are spending quality time with your friends, you can play exciting games of chance and skill. When you are with a pet, you can throw a stick. That’s not a game, that’s a chore. Not to mention if you happen to be spending time with both a friend AND a pet, the pet with ruin your good time 100 percent of the time, all the time, either by being loud, or smelly, or messing up your game, or sniffing your butt, or making a mess, or running away, or staying, and it sucks.

So you’re lonely? You want someone to care for you and show you love and affection? Try a person. Not only can they show you love and cuddle with you, if that cuddle happens to turn sexual, it’s neither creepy, nor illegal. Beastiality on the other hand, is still illegal in this state. Your pet doesn’t even love you anyway, it just sticks around because you give it food. You don’t have to give your friends food. They will stick around anyway. And get their own food. And do all sorts of other useful stuff.

Pets are disobedient. Even the best trained animal still does stupid things, and after you tell it to stop one million times it still doesn’t get why you’ve grown insane with rage and you’re beating the crap out of it. People know when they’re fucking up, and they generally know why they deserve the severe ass kicking you are providing.

Pets cost money. Food, medicine, the vet, toys, professional cleaning. You will never ever get that money back, because your pet is worthless and doesn’t have a job. Real friends don’t mooch like that.

Pets make messes. Hair, poop, peepees, hair, poop, peepees, puke, and all of your valuable possessions that the animal has decided to ruin for the sheer perverse pleasure of making you sad. That’s all a pet is. A valueless shit factory which makes your life miserable for as long as it lives, and gives nothing back in return, but you can’t see that because you’ve been brainwashed by Hallmark or some other feel good company to think that the worst thing ever in your life is actually a good thing, when it clearly isn’t.

Cats Suck. Dogs Suck. Birds, and bugs, and fish, and rodents, and reptiles, and every other stupid animal that you allow into your home and give a name and spend unrequited time and money on Sucks.

The only lasting pleasure any animal can ever give a human is the pleasure of its death. This is a two part pleasure. One, that dumb creature will never bother you again. Two, you can eat it.


About Max T Kramer

Max has been better than you at writing since the third grade. He currently lives in Connecticut, but will someday return to the desert.
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1 Response to Animals is food

  1. Pingback: Does your cat pee in the toilet? MINE DOES. | Max Kramer

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